The Only 3 Things I'd Say Under Oath

I've written before about how you can find me on the floor in my living room, hands above my head admitting "I don't know anything!" Apparently, this feeling of uncertainty, incompetence, non-mastery is one of the blossoms of my introvertedness. Whowoulddathunk?! According to a book I read the first 50ish pages of three weeks ago (the pick up/put down method to my reading madness is a topic for another post), it is so boringly common for introverts to feel as though they know nothing until they have three Ph.D.'s in the subject area--perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration from what the author actually said, but you get the gist, right?

Well, there's a lot I don't know, that's for sure; volumes of knowledge I have yet to learn and even more that I will never learn. In these 23 short years of mine, I have learned some things, here's a list of 3 things I swear to be true and important:

1. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. I learned this as a theorem in geometry class as a sophomore in high school--it's likely the only thing I remember word-for-word from that class. My classmates say the teacher was talking about figures and numerical distance, but that's not what I heard. I heard her whispering truths about life, about pain, about friendship, about the going to the doctor. She said, the most efficient way to go is through rather than up and around and back three steps in order to cross the bridge which will take you to an elevator to take you back down to where you want to be. Efficient, not easy. If you get caught kissing your best friend's boyfriend, you can avoid him and her and lose them both, or you can go through the embarrassment and guilt and apologize and try to save at least one of the relationships. If you were hoping to get into that one program, and then you don't, you can go on being "fine" and just putter around because there's no joy left to be found or you can cry about it, remember what about it brought you joy, and find plan B. You can get your flu-shot at CVS and your birth control at planned parenthood and a cast for your broken wrist at the ER and just assume 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' works for healthcare, or you can deal with the obnoxious questions about your sex life during your yearly physical and know you've got somewhere to go if you need more than a physical.

2. A well stocked supply of chocolate, a pair of rain boots, and a best friend will get you through the hard stuff. Someone once told me, "there's no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix." Well, there are some heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix, but that's what the rain boots are for. When the rain comes down, it clears the streams and streets and washes away everything, if you let it. Put your rain boots on so you don't wash away, then let everything else go. And if you've got someone to hold your hand or sit on you or just be with you, you'll be able to remember there is a reason to keep going.

3. If you can dream it, you can do it. I once got into a heated argument with a professor about this statement because, at the time, my mind was bound by self-depreciation. This truth does not promise you dreams don't require you to work your patootie off and get disappointed and betrayed along your way to your first 12940724 failed attempts. It says your dreams are possible, they can become real. Dreams are not just sparkly wishes floating in and out of the puffy white clouds...some are, I suppose, if you just close your eyes and imagine and call it quits. When I said I wanted a pony for my birthday when I was little (I was joking, but if I was serious), it totally could've happened. I would have needed to have a legit chat with my parents and figure out how we could, together, make this dream of mine real. Dreams seem lofty for a reason--to get you to reach and become. A life of static existence is boring. Dream...and do.

Learning to walk

Hi, I'm Emily and I'm addicted to running.

real life.

Yeah, sure, I ran a marathon on a broken foot.

but that's not really what I'm talking about here.

When I mentioned to my mom two years ago that I could graduate a semester early, she shot me down before I had even finished expressing the thought. Her response was:

 "Emily, slow down. 

You've always been in a rush to get through life. 

You need to just let life happen."

At first, I was offended that she wasn't interested in hearing what I had to say but was enforcing her agenda on my life. But she was so right. Since that 'conversation' I've often reflected on what she said and really tried to bring a sense of mindfulness and peace into the way I go through life--simply starting with slowing down. 

Easier said than done.

Just last night, I stood in my doorway getting ready for bed and said 'Can I just skip tomorrow?' as if it was not worth the effort and somehow the following day my life would be dramatically different. what a cop out. 

Be mindful,

pay attention,

live slowly,

just be.

I want to skip past the school related stresses of the next 10 days.

I want to skip the boredom of Christmas break.

I want to skip the waiting period of the grad school application process.

I want to skip the discernment process that comes after I get letters from grad schools.

I want to skip saying goodbye at graduation. 

I want to skip the [anticipated] awkward loneliness of moving to a new place.

Apparently, I want to skip the next 10 months of my life. I have goals and I want to run towards them. I anticipate pain and change and I want to run past it. I'm addicted to running. 

Above All,
Trust in the Slow Work of God



Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
     to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
     to something unknown, 
         something new.
Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
     by passing through some stages of instability
         and that may take a very long time.



And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on 
     as though you could be today what time
         -- that is to say, grace --
     and circumstances 
        acting on your own good will 
     will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new Spirit
     gradually forming in you will be.



Give our Lord the benefit of believing 
     that his hand is leading you,
     and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
         in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
     our loving vine-dresser.


Amen.

Loss

There are some things in life you just simply don't ever think you'll lose. And sometimes when you lose things you don't necessarily get them back. It's a bitter pill, that's for sure, especially for someone as hardcore opposed to unexpected change as me.

Well, I've had two of these losses in the past three months and, let me tell you, it's no easier the second time around. Like my father taught me, I'm sitting here with a bag of dark chocolate m&m's (lies it's the bag but its actually trail mix inside and I'm hugely failing at eating it, so you can tell by my writing when I should be eating).

The first time you go through a loss it's really difficult because its new territory. Do you talk about it or keep it to yourself? How sad are you allowed to be before seeming pathetic? When can you begin to move on? These are all legitimate questions with no specific answer. That's why they call them learning experiences. 

Still, every loss is different so even if you did learn from the time before, the second (or third or fourth or however many) time won't play by the same rules. That's what I'm finding out today. 

I'm learning life is pretty much a guessing game--and this is just another proof of that hypothesis of mine. 

So, anyway, that's the insight I've drawn from losing yet another toenail to marathon training. 

(viewer discretion is advised)

Random interjection: I just threw my apple core across the room and IT LANDED IN THE TRASH CAN like it is supposed to GO ME

When a person runs, their toes hit the top of their shoe with each step. Such repeated trauma often results in blisters on the toes and under the toenails. I popped one under my second left toenail last night and in the process, the toenail just plum fell off. If a toenail has a root, the root came off too so it looks like I may not be getting that toenail back in this lifetime. Loss but not quite as tragic as I may have made it out to seem. 

Until next time, shalom.

1.4

There were 43 teenagers entrusted to my general care and 12 that were specifically mine last week at SpringHill. I worked all last summer with middle schoolers so this was definitely different.

We always tell campers that we don't want camp to be a 1-week thing. We don't want to be known for creating a SpringHill high that eventually wears off.

No.

We want much more.

We want +1 experiences.

We motivate change.

As I was driving back to St. Louis last Sunday afternoon, I was talking on the phone with a friend and she asked how I was planning to use what I learned at camp. (What a strange question. Was I supposed to have learned something??? Uhhhh...) I told her I was still processing the week (and that was true, don't worry) so I wasn't exactly sure yet. 

I learned about community.

I know I've posted about this a few times but I say it once again, I learned that I need people. I'm a slow learner when it comes to these things, so God has to be super patient.

There was no one experience from the week that brought about this thought but rather the experience of the week. 

I came up to SpringHill without telling my friend Hayley who was working there this summer and feeling a really homesick (something I learned of after I agreed to come up, so the homesickness had nothing to do with my decision if you were wondering) and without telling Susie, a really good friend I worked with last summer who had returned for another summer of SpringHill Lovin'. I wanted to surprise them. I knew they'd have no idea and be caught totally off guard. 

I had campers who appreciated me for me and relaly respected me. I went to bed early on my night off and left a note taped to the cabin door that read "Dear Temple Dwellers: I'm sleeping. I love you but please be quiet. Love, Emily" Not only were these 12 teenage girls almost silent, they didn't even turn the lights on!

My small group wanted to know what I thought and how I came to think that and how they could share in the faith. My small group got really vulnerable early in the week and bonded in a way I hadn't expected. 

These were all experiences I had with people. Without others, none of these things could've happened. 

I'm learning I don't need to rely so much on being self-sufficient. It's okay to need help. It's okay to not be 114% totally on top of things all the time. 

God gave us people.

the girls of "The Temple" (I couldn't pronounce the name of our cabin, so we renamed it. It makes sense to us, I promise)

We've all thought these things, right?

Source: stumbleupon.com via Kelly on Pinterest

Bucket List

Sitting here, watching tv, creeping around facebook, procrastinating doing homework, I sat up and said "I want to make a bucket list." Random thought? Yes. Still...

I want to read through all my journals (there are lots and more are always coming)
I want to hike up a mountain
I want to sell something I draw
I want to write a book
I want to visit South America and take in all the beautiful landscapes
I want to meet stereotypically poor Africans
I want to love with a never-ending love
I want to become the person I want to die as
I want to give away something other than money to someone on the street
I want to go a whole day without complaining
I want to believe what I know
I want to be on an Alaskan dogsled
I want to learn to fly a plane or at least be in the cockpit while someone is flying
I want to artistically paint a wall
I want to do/say something that matters to someone

more to come, I'm sure.

We don't know

As this song explains, we don't always know how God blesses us but we must trust that He does.

I just heard this song on the radio and was really listening to the lyrics as they spoke to my heart. Oftentimes, I get frustrated when things aren't going my way and the Lord seems far away.I need to remember that His love never fails. Although love has failed me in the past, His love never has. If someone has walked away in our relationship, it has always been me. He is perfect and so I know if there is ever a problem in our relationship, it's because of me.

Lord, show me my value today. Make your blessings clear to me throughout the day. I promise to walk with you and look for those blessings, no matter how small. I thank you for your abounding goodness. Daddy, I think you for all you have blessed me with and all the ways you continue to bless me. In turn, I hope my actions can bless your name, Daddy. I pray that every breath I breathe can satisfy you.

We need people

There is a part of me that feels as though I have not posted anything of significance in awhile.

If you don't already know, I struggle in a major way with trusting people. I keep everyone at an arm's length no matter how trustworthy they seem. Many times this has bitten me in the butt but I have kept on with this way of life because I have felt as though actually trusting people has hurt me more. Not trusting has seemed, for a long time, like the lesser of two evils--in my mind.

The problem is, we [humans] were made for community. We were made to be in association with other people and no one has ever said this would be easy. In running from my innate call to community, I push away a part of my humanity, something so intrinsic to fullness of life.

That is not just a thought of mine, it is something I have very intimately experienced.

Trust is a risk. I am slowly learning that, sometimes, the benefits outweigh the costs.

I have been in Florida all week with 20 other kids from Wash U for spring break--not the usual drinking, partying, walking around half-naked type of spring break, don't you worry. Anyway, I knew most of these kids before the trip but didn't know them and so I felt as though I couldn't necessarily trust them with some of the big things that have been going on in my life recently. But here's the thing: when big things happen, they are big and they do not just go away, big things have a big impact. Throughout the week I was in contact with some friends from home who I do know and trust and so many of them encouraged me to talk. One such friend texted me Thursday night saying, "Please Em, I think God placed you exactly in that group for a reason. It's safe. They love You like He does and no one will judge you! Never think that! You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong, it IS not your fault! At all! Do not let that keep you from talking to someone! You deserve to be loved and cared for, and staying silent will not let God's other children care for you!"

Well, after that was said, I began to give in to the tugging on my heart. All week, I had an uneasiness about me. Something was pushing me to get real with someone. I had been feeling really inauthentic  and knew I needed to share that as well as the reasons behind the feeling.

It took quite a bit of internal debate but I did it. I just spilled everything I had been hiding inside and she listened. There was nothing she could say that would change anything and we both knew that. I wasn't looking for that to happen. She was able to share some of her own experiences in relation to mine and offer me some truth and love me through the pain.

Truth and love...that's all I need.

It's been taking a long time for me to realize how desperately I need to get out of that hole. Fear has kept me sitting there all alone but, honestly, what am I afraid of?

Yes, people are going to let me down. Over and over again people are going to disappoint me. That's a fact born to reality because of our broken nature in this fallen world. I shouldn't run and hide from that disappointment, but, rather enjoy the moments where I am not disappointed.

I need people.

Just sayin'