Learning to walk

Hi, I'm Emily and I'm addicted to running.

real life.

Yeah, sure, I ran a marathon on a broken foot.

but that's not really what I'm talking about here.

When I mentioned to my mom two years ago that I could graduate a semester early, she shot me down before I had even finished expressing the thought. Her response was:

 "Emily, slow down. 

You've always been in a rush to get through life. 

You need to just let life happen."

At first, I was offended that she wasn't interested in hearing what I had to say but was enforcing her agenda on my life. But she was so right. Since that 'conversation' I've often reflected on what she said and really tried to bring a sense of mindfulness and peace into the way I go through life--simply starting with slowing down. 

Easier said than done.

Just last night, I stood in my doorway getting ready for bed and said 'Can I just skip tomorrow?' as if it was not worth the effort and somehow the following day my life would be dramatically different. what a cop out. 

Be mindful,

pay attention,

live slowly,

just be.

I want to skip past the school related stresses of the next 10 days.

I want to skip the boredom of Christmas break.

I want to skip the waiting period of the grad school application process.

I want to skip the discernment process that comes after I get letters from grad schools.

I want to skip saying goodbye at graduation. 

I want to skip the [anticipated] awkward loneliness of moving to a new place.

Apparently, I want to skip the next 10 months of my life. I have goals and I want to run towards them. I anticipate pain and change and I want to run past it. I'm addicted to running. 

Above All,
Trust in the Slow Work of God



Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
     to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
     to something unknown, 
         something new.
Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
     by passing through some stages of instability
         and that may take a very long time.



And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on 
     as though you could be today what time
         -- that is to say, grace --
     and circumstances 
        acting on your own good will 
     will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new Spirit
     gradually forming in you will be.



Give our Lord the benefit of believing 
     that his hand is leading you,
     and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
         in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
     our loving vine-dresser.


Amen.

Processing Encounter: I have something to offer?!!

Lord, make me your bread, your body.

Take me. Bless me. Break me.

And share me with everyone you know.

Amen.

This is my prayer. This was our prayer on ENCOUNTER last weekend. At first they were just words (more often than not, that is how I feel about “premade” prayers) but as I reflected on the meaning of those words, they came to life. In fact, they came to have intense meaning for my life.

I feel this deep satisfaction from the idea of being taken, blessed, and broken for the greater glory of God. But that's pretty vague--what does it really mean for my life?

It means I'm doing something right. It validates my vision of what my life is developing into. As a social work student, I'm becoming increasingly aware that my heart will be broken over and over again as I pursue others. People are my passion, they always have been. People who have experienced things unfathomable to many ooze strength by the simple act of getting up each morning and continuing with this thing we call life. These are the people I want to serve. I want my heart to break as they share their brokenness. I want to be present with them in their pain. God blessed me with a desire for brokenness. 

He doesn't break you without building you back up. It may take time but His love never fails. 

This all made much more sense in my head but I find trouble to articulate it clearly. 

Basically, in the last week I've been affirmed in my life journey multiple times by multiple people and experiences. Things I once saw as personal flaws are becoming sources of blessing. My impulsiveness gets me to ask the questions everyone is thinking but won't ask. My bluntness offers me a bit of ease when it comes to asking the tough questions. My silence in tough situations allows me to  assess the person's needs and  meet them better. My stubbornness breeds intentionality. I was made as me, imperfections and all, for a purpose. I am the only me this world will ever experience and so I better make the best of that--leave this world a little different than it was before me. 

Step 1: be. experience. live.

I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted. School has been kicking my butt and I've been letting that happen. During my work shift on Friday I made the conscious decision to not allow school (junior seminar, in particular) stress me out and control my happiness and worth anymore. These things are here for me to learn from not to slave over. School is forming me into the person I want to be--I most certainly do not want to be the woman I've been recently stressed out beyond belief and not completely functional due to sleep deprivation. I only have one life to live. I only get one chance at each day. I do not want to keep regretting and dreading these days. 

Behind door number 1...

I've been in Michigan for the past three days in anticipation of my brother's college graduation this weekend.  My plane landed on Monday at 6:02 pm EST and it all began...actually, it began on the plane.

A baby a few rows behind me was crying. Not just crying but wailing and I wasn't havin' it. I sat there and pressed my face against the window and closed my eyes..."Daddy, please comfort that child. Please just do whatever you have to do to make her stop crying. Daddy, I'll pray the entire flight if that's what it'll take too get you to make her stop. We can talk this entire time if she just stops." I got out my journal and began to write and simultaneously the baby's shrieks ceased. "Shoot. Well, okay. You've got me now. Since I said we could talk, I've got some things to say..." That was the first time in a long time that I prayed undistracted, 

My life has seen its fair share of bumps on the road in the past four months and I'm not really one to march into conflict head on. In fact, I have a tendency to run away from the tools that can help me. In this case, it was God. There was a dramatic shift. I went to daily mass for the past two years but in the past few months, there have been weeks when I found myself needing to be coerced into attending Sunday mass. I filled an entire journal (about 100 pages, front and back) in five weeks this fall but have only written about 30 pages in the past 10 weeks. Clearly, things got shaken up.

Being here this week, though, has reminded me of what used to be. You see, I've only been at my parents' house for about 12 weeks out of the last 2 years...104 weeks and I've been here. Because I go to school 700 miles away, I only make it home around the holidays when the dorms are shut down. I'm not complaining; I'm just offering perspective. This short period of time in Michigan means that I do not see my friends from "childhood" very often. When I do come home, I get to see a select few people for just a short period of time. Often these visits make or break my view of the trip.

That was a lot of background.

What I want to say is that this week, I've gotten a wake up call. Monday night I spent with my friend Claudia who I hadn't seen since August. It was clear that we hadn't seen each other or talked in awhile. As we conversed over dinner and continued at her apartment, it became clear to me that she had no idea where I was at. She knew about some of the bumps in the road but seemed to ignore the possibility that they had actually affected me. I'm not the same person I was when we last saw each other but she definitely expected me to be.

I don't really know how to decide if that's a good thing or not.
Maybe a little bit of both.

The next afternoon, I had lunch with Kim, a woman who used to work for my parents. She could tell that I had changed, that life had changed me. She listened and understood. Kim took me as I was. Then she took my hands and very directly told me to stop running. She reminded me of what my relationship with God used to look like and honestly told me that she knew that I knew running away wasn't going to get me anywhere and she knew that I wanted to turn around.

These aren't the only two. Since Monday evening, easily half a dozen people/situations have directed me to where I know I should be.

It's like God's been knocking at my door for the past two or three weeks and I acknowledged that He was there and I acknowledged my desire to open the door but I didn't. This week, I opened the door and let God explain why He's been knocking.

Luke 11:1

"One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.”

I want to learn to pray the way David prayed. I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name. I want to feel like new. I want to hunger for You. Bring me back to life like only You can do.

Forms of 'to be'

As a freshman in high school, I had to write an English paper without using any form of the verb 'to be.' Am. Is. Are. Was. Were. Be. Been. Being. <--Take a look at some really solid words there. Thankfully, the assignment was only a paragraph, about a page in length, but still, I've tried writing this entry to this point without using those words and have failed. Even a few sentences excluding all forms of 'to be' take a concentrated effort to compose. 

That's not my point.

I'm just thinking that 'being' somehow describes every stage of life. 

Where have you been?

Places you don't want to know about.

Where are you now?

I don't really know. 

Treading water is some great expanse of water, perhaps.

Where are you going?

Please, Lord, guide me.

These are some of the questions that plug up the 'free space' in my mind these days. Today especially. 

We were having one of those conversations--the kind that go in circles with long silences and little eye contact. 

The conclusion was made that there may be some things I need to walk away from. These are things that are holding me back when I literally have unlimited potential. These are things that paralyze me in fear when I have the world resting at my fingertips. I need to walk away. It sounds all nice and dandy, I thought, but its not really realistic. I want it to be, but simply desiring it won't make that a reality. If I walk away from these things, I'll be walking toward something else...ideally. If I don't walk toward something else, I essentially walk off a cliff. And we've all watched enough cartoons to know what that means.  I need to know what direction to walk when I walk away. I need to know where I'm going. I don't need all the answers but I need a little hint. 

Pray with me. Pray that I find a way to let go and walk away. Pray that it be revealed where I need to end up. And pray that until that is revealed, I can just be. 

Back to the beginning...

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will be done.”

Remember when I started this blog some months ago I explained the title? Well, I'm listening to the songs of inspiration for that and realizing something...this whole leading/following situation I signed up for is a lot more complicated that I anticipated.

It's like a trust walk.

I led two groups of campers in a trust walk last summer and I've been a part of a few in my time as well. I know what it's like on both sides. Leading can be frustrating and aggravating and participating is usually just as frustrating but also difficult. It is called a trust walk for a reason. It takes trust. Trust the person in front of you. Trust the leader. 

Supposedly, God is the leader of this trust walk called my life. That's the plan at least. This thing we call sin is a fancy way of saying "not trusting God." It's like opening your eyes during the walk. We often think of opening our eyes as something really great but in this case, its not so good. 

My eyes are closed and I have NO IDEA where He is taking me and I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared. I like control. I really like to know what's going on. My google calendar says it all. I schedule meals. I schedule naps. Everything has its own allotted time slot. That calendar acts as a source of control for me.

My eyes are closed and when I can't feel His hand on me, I freak out and open my eyes...and every trust walk leader is disappointed when she sees a participants eyes flutter open...even if just for a moment. 

I know He is leading me somewhere but I don't know where. I have no idea. I can't even guess. There are stops along the way but I don't see one coming for a long time. 

Do I really just have to walk?

I've never done that before.

As far back as I can remember, there has always been something I could see coming up. 

Now...nothing.

Its like we're walking on a highway. It's dangerous. I want to open my eyes because I think it'd probably be easier for us all, but He just wants me to learn to trust Him. On a highway there are signs, of course, but because my eyes are closed i can't see them--only God can--and though I ask, He just keeps telling me to trust Him. 

BUT I DON'T KNOW 

WHERE WE'RE GOING!

I don't think you get it.

I think I'm gonna have to get over all that because it doesn't look like its going to change any time soon. I could be wrong (I often am), but it certainly looks like life is a highway. 

I'm back to the beginning. Lead me...

Lead me to the cross, where your love poured out, bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down.

Lead me home and I will rest in you.

Father, Lead me, because I can't do this alone.

We don't know

As this song explains, we don't always know how God blesses us but we must trust that He does.

I just heard this song on the radio and was really listening to the lyrics as they spoke to my heart. Oftentimes, I get frustrated when things aren't going my way and the Lord seems far away.I need to remember that His love never fails. Although love has failed me in the past, His love never has. If someone has walked away in our relationship, it has always been me. He is perfect and so I know if there is ever a problem in our relationship, it's because of me.

Lord, show me my value today. Make your blessings clear to me throughout the day. I promise to walk with you and look for those blessings, no matter how small. I thank you for your abounding goodness. Daddy, I think you for all you have blessed me with and all the ways you continue to bless me. In turn, I hope my actions can bless your name, Daddy. I pray that every breath I breathe can satisfy you.

The power of prayer

It rained this morning. Not kidding. I woke up to go running and it was raining. THIS IS FLORIDA PEOPLE!!!!!! Rain is not allowed. Any form of precipitation is not allowed here--only sunshine and warmness and tans and swimsuits.

Well, in morning session we made a rainstorm by rubbing our hands together, snapping our fingers, and patting our legs at different times. And during that rainstorm we assaulted Heaven with prayers for warm weather and sunshine. When there is rain, there are no people on the beach. When there are no people on the beach, we have to evangelize inside...lammmmeee.

After session we walked outside into SUNSHINE!!!!! We're about to head to the beach in our tanktops and bathing suits.

Get Salty

I'm in Panama City, FL with some of my Wash U friends for spring break. We are hanging out at this beautiful beachside resort called Edgewater. WE are here for something called Big Break--it's a conference put on by Campus Crusade for Christ every spring break. There are over 1000 college students from across the country gathered at this single resort with a single mission: share the gospel. We have morning and evening sessions every day and during the afternoon we all go onto the beach and talk to people. Sounds easy enough, right? We just walk up to girls laying out and guys goofing off and talk to them, let them talk, listen to their stories, and share a little of ours. It's not the typical spring break saturated with alcohol and marked by walking around half-naked, but I'm sure we will remember more of it than those participating in those "normal" spring break activities.

More updates to come.

By the way, please keep a special intention of mine in your prayers. I am waiting for something to happen anytime between Sunday (yesterday) and Tuesday (tomorrow) and it has not happened yet but it realllllllly needs to. Just sayin'

By the other way, I heard it snowed 3 inches in St. Louis last night/today...so I'm not gonna complain that there are a few more clouds in the sky than I'd like today.

Happy day.
AMDG, Emily

Mind over matter

What happens when there is a 718 mile disconnect between your head and your heart? ...when you know you need to do something but really don't want to? How do you discern the timing of actually executing these things?  Should you actually do them if your heart isn't in it?


These questions and many others have been rolling around in my mind more than usual recently. Upon reflection, I've determined that it all comes down to discerning God's will. I live, not for myself, but for Him, and so the root of my decisions should be found in His desires, His plan. 


As I was trying to make a big decision about a month ago, I was given an article about how we can actually do this. You can read the article by clicking here. There's no right or wrong answer to those questions because in each situation you find yourself asking, God's will may be different. Because of this, we need to be attentive to daily discernment--making sure our decisions constantly align themselves with the Lord's so that our path and God's path become one in the same. We must pray and act for this daily. It is not a once in a lifetime sort of thing. 


Pray: Lord, I do not know what to ask you. You alone know my real needs, and you love me more than I even know how to love. Enable me to discern my true needs which are hidden from me. I ask for neither cross nor consolation; I wait in patience for you. My heart is open to you. For your great mercy's sake, come to me and help me. Put your mark on me and heal me, cast me down and raise me up. Silently I adore your holy will and your inscrutable ways. I offer myself in sacrifice to you and put all my trust in you. I desire only to do your will. Teach me how to pray and pray in me, yourself.


""For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. When you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you. " Jeremiah 29: 11-13


"I do not pray to be successful, I pray to be faithful." Mother Teresa