My sophomore year of high school, I had some very strange heath problems going on. Part of that situation involved being completely blind in my left eye and about 75% blind in my right. You didn't know that, did you??! It's all better now, don't worry, but it lasted about a year and it made those 10 months absolutely miserable.
Until that year, I had perfect vision so I knew what it was like to see clearly. But being legally blind meant that I couldn't see clearly at all. I could see light and basic shapes and if I tried really hard with a large font, I could manage to read what was absolutely necessary. I couldn't see what everyone else could see. And what I could see did not come easily. Each day as my eyes opened from sleep, they were immediately stressed into trying to see what they couldn't. I wanted so desperately to see clearly again.
Now that my physical eyesight has recovered, I'm afraid I still cannot see clearly.
I cannot see myself the way others see me.
You tell me you love me and
my automatic thought is "why?"
I've been told repeatedly that I'm very likable and she enjoys spending time with me
but I don't understand what makes me likable or why she'd enjoy our time together.
When I was visiting my parents a few months ago,
my mother called me pretty for the first time I can remember
and it felt sooooooooooo weird.
Yesterday afternoon, I was chatting it up with a former professor turned mentor/friend briefly mentioning something I am applying for and she asked me how I felt about it--I said I thought I wasn't worthy of the opportunity. She cast a downward gaze as she shook her head and chuckled. I've gotten that response from people many times before when I say similar things. The underlying message of the looking down, head shaking, chuckle is "Em, that's ridiculous. You've gotta see how much you have to offer." Yesterday I asked what the chuckle was about and she simply said "you are so wrong and I want you to see what I see in you."
Why can I know that's what others think
but not believe it myself?
What happened to keep me from believing,
really believing?
Why can't I see myself as others see me?
The super rational part me me answers that saying that they just don't see me honestly--they see the positive things they want to see and ignore the not so great things that I cannot deny.To an extent, that may be right, but there are people in this world who know all my crap--as much of it as I am aware of myself--and still think much better about me than I do.
What is keeping me from believing I'm loveable...or even just likable?
What am I afraid of?
I want SO DESPERATELY for my eyes to open.
I want to see in myself what others see in me.
I want to see myself clearly--to accept it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
This blindness is so much like the blindness I struggled with five years ago.
I know I'm missing out.
