My best friend, Franny

Yesterday, I found out that I have a best friend I never knew about. Her name is Francesca but I call her Franny (you can too). See now, my cousin reminded me of this friendship yesterday morning when she emailed me about a song Franny wrote for me. I promise you, I'm really not that bad of a friend. I really didn't know she knew me this well until I listened to the song. Listen in...

In all seriousness, it's super cool that the one song I've ever known to have my name in it speaks of things I speak about. Very cool people, very cool.

Just sayin'

Bucket List

Sitting here, watching tv, creeping around facebook, procrastinating doing homework, I sat up and said "I want to make a bucket list." Random thought? Yes. Still...

I want to read through all my journals (there are lots and more are always coming)
I want to hike up a mountain
I want to sell something I draw
I want to write a book
I want to visit South America and take in all the beautiful landscapes
I want to meet stereotypically poor Africans
I want to love with a never-ending love
I want to become the person I want to die as
I want to give away something other than money to someone on the street
I want to go a whole day without complaining
I want to believe what I know
I want to be on an Alaskan dogsled
I want to learn to fly a plane or at least be in the cockpit while someone is flying
I want to artistically paint a wall
I want to do/say something that matters to someone

more to come, I'm sure.

Good

Yesterday was good.

I'm going to get a little theoretical philosophical for a minute, so please, bear with me. How does one define  'good'? As unoriginal as it sounds, I looked up the word in the dictionary and was absolutely stunned! There were over one hundred different definitions. 'Good' may honestly be the most complex four-letter word in the English language. Still, as I read through the attempts to define this word, this feeling, this thing I realized that there was no single way to define 'good; that is totally complete in itself.

This being said, the word good may be so complex that it has become utterly non-descriptive. I said yesterday was good but you have absolutely no idea what I mean...unless we already talked about my day...but that's cheating. When someone responds to the question 'how are you?' by saying 'good,' they might as well have not responded at all. The word good has so many meanings that it has become virtually meaningless.

Okay, I'm done with my etymological rant.

Here's the deal, 'good' might be the most unhelpful explanation or definition for something or someone but sometimes it is the only word that fits. Okay isn't positive enough. Great is too positive. What's in between? ...good.

Yesterday was good. Yesterday my alarm clock went off at 5:27 a.m. and I left for work at 5:46. Yesterday I knew all the answers to the questions on my Bible and Literature quiz for the first time all semester. Yesterday I got a piece of mail that I had been waiting for all week. Yesterday I ate lunch with my friend Anna for the first time in a long time. Yesterday my friend Emiley came to class with me...she's on spring break. Then, after class yesterday, Emiley and I got coffee and talked for 2 hours then went shopping.

Back up. Emiley and I talked for 2 hours. We sat in this coffee shop and talked and talked and talked for over 120 minutes. I suppose this doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary for two college-age women, but, oh, I promise you, it is something. First of all, the simple fact that I had 2 consecutive hours to sit down and talk is absolutely mind blowing. I wish there was a way I could publish a picture of my google calendar here for yall to understand what I mean. It's not necessarily a good thing but I am always busy. This, right now, is the first time I have had alone-time all week...other than when I am asleep. I go to class, and to work, and to practice, and to meetings, and to small group, and to mass, and to more practice, and to more work, and to bed...then repeat. Second, yall may not know the Emiley I was sitting with but you probably know this Emily (at least enough to know I'm probably wearing some yellow article of clothing while writing this). And if you know me at all or have creeped my blog at all, you have probably come to understand that I don't really like talking. I like writing. I like texting (a technological form of talking while writing but still not talking). I don't do small talk and there are only certain times when getting deep is something I'm willing to do. Third, I had been up since 5:27 and had been going going going all day. Work, run, class, class, pick up mail, lunch, homework, class...talk?? I guess.

So, you see now that I enjoyed this chat time but wasn't really expecting it to go so well.

Here's the kicker. Emiley has this look that can get me to tell her things. She's given me this look so many times that she doesn't have to even be looking at me for know that she's got the look. She could be in her own dorm room texting me and I'd know she's got the look. Yesterday the look came out. It came in tandem with the words "tell me something you don't want me to know." I don't know what you think about that request but I seriously thought she was kidding. Tell her something I don't want her to know??? Heck no! If I don't want her to know, I'm most certainly not going to tell her. Telling her would totally defeat me not wanting her to know. But she had the look. Unfortunately, there were a few things that floated through my mind at that time, a few things I didn't want her to know, that I had no intention of ever telling her. And those were precisely the things she wanted me to tell her. I told her one of them and she had me explain and it was AWKWARD. More awkward than the word awkward is to spell and look at. It was hard.

At first, I felt bad. I felt like she now knew this secret of mine and it wasn't any old secret. It was a secret that I wouldn't mind all that much for other people to know about but for her to know was unthinkable. The impossible is only impossible because we say it is.

Telling Emiley what I didn't want her to know was not something that I wanted to do but I liked it. I know that doesn't make any sense. Do you remember the childhood rhyme: secrets secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone? The truth will set you free. I am no longer held in bondage by that secret. The one person I didn't want to know now knows. The one person I thought would be most hurt by the secret knows. I survived. Emiley survived. Our friendship survived. Freedom lives on!

Last night was good too by the way. I listened to about three hours of convicting audio lessons on change. You can expect a post about that sometime soon.

xoxoxoxoxo Emily

Give it all.

"Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness." ~Blessed Mother Teresa

This past summer I learned that I'm a doer. It was week 1.1 and Laura and I were on our fun-on-one getting hot cocoa in town (it was raining and cold) and we were talking about all sorts of things but as we pulled back into camp the topic of Surrender came up. It's something Laura had struggled with, she said, because it is most often presented as something done through prayer. Laura is a doer. She wanted to have some sort of checklist to qualify the quality of her Surrender.

In the past months, I have seen how much words don't mean to me. Not by themselves. Words by themselves are nothing more than a few letters stacked together that have a dictionary meaning but are not necessarily infused with truth. It is when words get attached to actions that they may actually mean something.

For example, the word 'love' really is just four letters in a row until it is connected. There's this song called 'There is a Way" by NewWorldSon that my friend Kelsey's mom sent me a few months ago. Listen to it and you'll understand a little about how I feel about love.

My point is, without action words are just words. That includes prayer of Surrender. In the bible, Jesus asks us to give away everything we have and follow Him. Often times we read those passages and say they have a different meaning in today's context. We say that Jesus didn't actually mean give up everything but instead He was pointing to the necessity of sacrifice. That seems like a cop out. If we aren't willing to give up everything, we are retaining control of our lives and, therefore, we are not Surrendered.

No one ever said it would be easy. No one ever said it wouldn't hurt.

It's hard and it hurts. But that's why it's so worth it. I can't say that from personal experience because I have a huge issue with control but I do believe that giving one's self totally to Christ and letting Him take everything seems much better than taking it ourselves.

A friend showed me a youtube video this afternoon after small group and there was a line in it that really struck me. The video was of a skit of a girl talking to God as He gets approval to chisel away all the things on her that are not of Him. Anyway. She said "...but I've let you down..." and His response was something like, "No, you have never let me down. That's not even possible. I've always been holding you up. I hold you on my shoulders and always have--you don't hold me."

We don't know

As this song explains, we don't always know how God blesses us but we must trust that He does.

I just heard this song on the radio and was really listening to the lyrics as they spoke to my heart. Oftentimes, I get frustrated when things aren't going my way and the Lord seems far away.I need to remember that His love never fails. Although love has failed me in the past, His love never has. If someone has walked away in our relationship, it has always been me. He is perfect and so I know if there is ever a problem in our relationship, it's because of me.

Lord, show me my value today. Make your blessings clear to me throughout the day. I promise to walk with you and look for those blessings, no matter how small. I thank you for your abounding goodness. Daddy, I think you for all you have blessed me with and all the ways you continue to bless me. In turn, I hope my actions can bless your name, Daddy. I pray that every breath I breathe can satisfy you.

MercyMe - Beautiful

This song has been following me around for the past few days. A friend of mine brought this song into my life a month ago and it hasn't gone away.

Truth.

We need people

There is a part of me that feels as though I have not posted anything of significance in awhile.

If you don't already know, I struggle in a major way with trusting people. I keep everyone at an arm's length no matter how trustworthy they seem. Many times this has bitten me in the butt but I have kept on with this way of life because I have felt as though actually trusting people has hurt me more. Not trusting has seemed, for a long time, like the lesser of two evils--in my mind.

The problem is, we [humans] were made for community. We were made to be in association with other people and no one has ever said this would be easy. In running from my innate call to community, I push away a part of my humanity, something so intrinsic to fullness of life.

That is not just a thought of mine, it is something I have very intimately experienced.

Trust is a risk. I am slowly learning that, sometimes, the benefits outweigh the costs.

I have been in Florida all week with 20 other kids from Wash U for spring break--not the usual drinking, partying, walking around half-naked type of spring break, don't you worry. Anyway, I knew most of these kids before the trip but didn't know them and so I felt as though I couldn't necessarily trust them with some of the big things that have been going on in my life recently. But here's the thing: when big things happen, they are big and they do not just go away, big things have a big impact. Throughout the week I was in contact with some friends from home who I do know and trust and so many of them encouraged me to talk. One such friend texted me Thursday night saying, "Please Em, I think God placed you exactly in that group for a reason. It's safe. They love You like He does and no one will judge you! Never think that! You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong, it IS not your fault! At all! Do not let that keep you from talking to someone! You deserve to be loved and cared for, and staying silent will not let God's other children care for you!"

Well, after that was said, I began to give in to the tugging on my heart. All week, I had an uneasiness about me. Something was pushing me to get real with someone. I had been feeling really inauthentic  and knew I needed to share that as well as the reasons behind the feeling.

It took quite a bit of internal debate but I did it. I just spilled everything I had been hiding inside and she listened. There was nothing she could say that would change anything and we both knew that. I wasn't looking for that to happen. She was able to share some of her own experiences in relation to mine and offer me some truth and love me through the pain.

Truth and love...that's all I need.

It's been taking a long time for me to realize how desperately I need to get out of that hole. Fear has kept me sitting there all alone but, honestly, what am I afraid of?

Yes, people are going to let me down. Over and over again people are going to disappoint me. That's a fact born to reality because of our broken nature in this fallen world. I shouldn't run and hide from that disappointment, but, rather enjoy the moments where I am not disappointed.

I need people.

Just sayin'

what did you do today?

Schedule for Friday, March, 18, 2011:
7 a.m. run
7:45 a.m. go back to bed
9:20 a.m. wake up, eat breakfast
10 a.m.-5:00 p.m. lay on the beach, play football on the beach, eat lunch on the beach, wade in the ocean, fall asleep on the beach
5:02 p.m. walk home w/ an Arnold Palmer in hand
6:30 watch the sunset on the beach
...spend the rest of the night enjoying community and PCB


After seven hours in the beach, I have an incredible skin color and am more well rested than I have been in months. Good day!

And He said 'Go!'

"Christians are like manure--pile it up and it stinks, spread it around and it helps things grow."

At Big Break this week, we have been learning about the importance of sharing our faith and doing so with intentionality. There have been times when I have sat in the conference room thinking to myself: 'I don't have anyone to share my faith with. All my friends are already Christians...' but this week, I have been given a nice wake-up call--it has been made clear to me that I am called to share what I believe with EVERYONE! It is great to start that with my friends--the people I'm most comfortable around--but it has to be more than that.

When Jesus said "Go!" he didn't meant "Go! Get out there...all the way!" Jesus doesn't call us to a comfortable life. Pope Benedict XVI understands this in saying "the world promises you comfort, but you were not made for comfort, you were made for GREATNESS!"

It is a big call, enormous, in fact. But it is also a call that I cannot ignore.

For so long, I took my faith as something that was between me and God...and that's it. Recently, it has become abundantly clear that faith is communal. I mean, that's why there are religions--groups of people who all believe the same things and come together to express those beliefs. Faith involves people. God loves people. Faith involves bringing God to the people that don't know.

When was the last time you shared your faith with someone? You don't need to go knocking on your neighbors front door with your bible in hand, but what about something as simple as initiating a conversation with the guy who makes your coffee every morning--a conversation beyond "Hey, how are you?" and settling for an answer of "good." Be intentional. Speak to people. Start the conversation.

Like the quote at the top insinuates, we, as Christians need to spread out and share our faith in order to help the world grow in holiness.

I am most certainly not perfect at this. I often worry about other people's opinions of me and what they will think about what I am saying and how I am acting.

All I'm saying is that 2% of Christians share their faith once a year and I think that is pitiful.

The power of prayer

It rained this morning. Not kidding. I woke up to go running and it was raining. THIS IS FLORIDA PEOPLE!!!!!! Rain is not allowed. Any form of precipitation is not allowed here--only sunshine and warmness and tans and swimsuits.

Well, in morning session we made a rainstorm by rubbing our hands together, snapping our fingers, and patting our legs at different times. And during that rainstorm we assaulted Heaven with prayers for warm weather and sunshine. When there is rain, there are no people on the beach. When there are no people on the beach, we have to evangelize inside...lammmmeee.

After session we walked outside into SUNSHINE!!!!! We're about to head to the beach in our tanktops and bathing suits.

Get Salty

I'm in Panama City, FL with some of my Wash U friends for spring break. We are hanging out at this beautiful beachside resort called Edgewater. WE are here for something called Big Break--it's a conference put on by Campus Crusade for Christ every spring break. There are over 1000 college students from across the country gathered at this single resort with a single mission: share the gospel. We have morning and evening sessions every day and during the afternoon we all go onto the beach and talk to people. Sounds easy enough, right? We just walk up to girls laying out and guys goofing off and talk to them, let them talk, listen to their stories, and share a little of ours. It's not the typical spring break saturated with alcohol and marked by walking around half-naked, but I'm sure we will remember more of it than those participating in those "normal" spring break activities.

More updates to come.

By the way, please keep a special intention of mine in your prayers. I am waiting for something to happen anytime between Sunday (yesterday) and Tuesday (tomorrow) and it has not happened yet but it realllllllly needs to. Just sayin'

By the other way, I heard it snowed 3 inches in St. Louis last night/today...so I'm not gonna complain that there are a few more clouds in the sky than I'd like today.

Happy day.
AMDG, Emily

San Diego Summer Project

Hello friends,

I'm writing today to tell you that, unfortunately, I will no longer be a part of the San Diego Summer Project team. Some things have come up in the past week and it seems that God does not intend for me to minister through SDSP this summer. As hard as it is for me to accept, I know I desire only to serve Him and follow His will. Through my surrender, I have given up my selfish desires--my stubbornness remains, and that's why this is so difficult.

Those of you who had joined me in this project as financial ministry partners will receive your check in the mail soon. I am still waiting for a few to be returned from the project office in Colorado. I promise you, I will return them as soon as possible.

As far as what I now plan to do with my summer...well, I'm not entirely sure. I am not called to go home and sit on my butt. A return to SpringHill is a possibility. My heart is open to all possibilities--if you have any suggestions, feel free to share. ;)

My heart broke when San Diego fell through because I was already so far emotionally invested in looking forward to building community and growing in faith and love all summer. God has given me a passionate heart for ministry, as I learned last summer, and I desire nothing more than to let Him lead me through that.

Please continue to pray for me as I struggle through putting together my summer options. You are always in my prayers!

Love, love, love, Emily



"Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone..."

Mind over matter

What happens when there is a 718 mile disconnect between your head and your heart? ...when you know you need to do something but really don't want to? How do you discern the timing of actually executing these things?  Should you actually do them if your heart isn't in it?


These questions and many others have been rolling around in my mind more than usual recently. Upon reflection, I've determined that it all comes down to discerning God's will. I live, not for myself, but for Him, and so the root of my decisions should be found in His desires, His plan. 


As I was trying to make a big decision about a month ago, I was given an article about how we can actually do this. You can read the article by clicking here. There's no right or wrong answer to those questions because in each situation you find yourself asking, God's will may be different. Because of this, we need to be attentive to daily discernment--making sure our decisions constantly align themselves with the Lord's so that our path and God's path become one in the same. We must pray and act for this daily. It is not a once in a lifetime sort of thing. 


Pray: Lord, I do not know what to ask you. You alone know my real needs, and you love me more than I even know how to love. Enable me to discern my true needs which are hidden from me. I ask for neither cross nor consolation; I wait in patience for you. My heart is open to you. For your great mercy's sake, come to me and help me. Put your mark on me and heal me, cast me down and raise me up. Silently I adore your holy will and your inscrutable ways. I offer myself in sacrifice to you and put all my trust in you. I desire only to do your will. Teach me how to pray and pray in me, yourself.


""For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. When you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you. " Jeremiah 29: 11-13


"I do not pray to be successful, I pray to be faithful." Mother Teresa

Keep me humble, Keep me holy.

The mantra"keep me humble, keep me holy" was pounded into a leather bracelet for a friend of mine at camp this summer. When we met each Tuesday in our growth groups, she constantly reminded me what that really meant.

In the most difficult of circumstances, she handed over the struggle to her Maker. When she had nothing left to give, she fell at the foot of the cross and asked Him to revive her. With every success, she gave Him praise. With every failure, she gave Him thanks. All for Jesus. All for Jesus.

So often it is easier for me to fall into bitterness and indifference than to allow myself to be humbled to be made holy. I had a meeting with someone in administration half an hour ago and did not at all live up to my call to holiness or humility. I walked into the office with my head held high and a list of things I needed to say tucked in my pocket. This meeting, I had previously decided, was something I needed to "win." Little did I know, that it wasn't a fight at all. There would be no winner or loser, unless I formed those ideas in my head. Everything I was thinking and feeling fell into these three categories: 1. what felt good, 2. what was easiest, and 3. whatever concerned me. It was all about me. It was all about Emily. I had prepared in my mind what points I needed to make and knew I must remain calm during the conversation--because of that, I had unintentionally blocked myself from receiving the grace I would need.

But despite my sinfulness, God's goodness remains. I may have walked into that meeting stubborn and self-centered but a certain peace came into my heart and I shook the other person's hand and sat down. With that peace came an understanding that a hard heart wasn't going to get me anywhere. The meeting was smooth and virtually painless because I was sitting there being humbled.

Holiness takes humility. We pretty much all desire to get to heaven, I'm sure and the only way to heaven is through holiness. Thus, heaven takes humility too.

keep me humble, keep me holy...write it on a notecard and put it in your pocket or in your purse or write it on your planner or get it tattooed on your arm. whatever you do, never forget it.