Story of my life

Hello friends, would you like to know why I'm packing my bags and going to San Diego for the entire summer with over a hundred people I don't know? Well, listen to this song. Funny thing is that I didn't find this song. No, out of the blue, one of my week 1.5 campers from last summer posted it on my facebook a few hours ago.


P.S. I'm up one more ministry partner!!!! Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Michalik for your gift.

Sing to me.

I can finally see


That you're right there beside me.


I am not my own,


For I have been made new.


Please don't let me go,


I desperately need you.



I am not my own


For I have been made new.


Please don't let me go,


I desperately need you.

This summer, Owl City's Meteor Shower (lyrics above) was played each week during our Tuesday night sin drama. (I'm not entirely sure if you will be able to use this like to watch a video of the show, but it is worth a try.) As I watched my fellow staff members act out breaking free from the chains of sin by surrendering them to Christ, I was reminded of how much these words describe my life. I desperately need Christ. I am nothing without Him. Week after week, the words of this song hit me hard--like a cannon ball exploding on the ground. Week after week, the lights in the auditorium would turn back on and my campers would see me in tears. Even now, I get chills whenever I hear those words and find myself in a contemplative state as I read them. 

This song beautifully outlines a Christian approach to everyday life. Coming to daily surrender when we realize we can trust Him. I am disgustingly aware of my issue with control. Daily, I struggle to hand over control of my life. Taking that step to pray "Sacred heart of Jesus, I place my trust in you. Take control today and keep it because I know I will try to take it back" can sometimes take all day, sometimes longer. 

Why are you striving these days?

Why are you trying to earn grace"

Why are you crying?

Let me lift up your face.

Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?

To where will you go, child?

Tell me, where will you run.

To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side,

Wherever you fall,

In the dead of night,

Whenever you call.

and please don't fight

these hands that are holding you.

My hands are holding you.

Look at these hands and my side.

They swallowed the grave on that night 

when I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life.

I want to give you life.

Cause I, I love you.

I want you to know

That I, I love you.

I'll never let you go.

By Your Side (Tenth Avenue North) is the song of my week. My ipod sang this song to me as I finished my run last Sunday and this morning, it was the first song I heard on the radio at work. Listen to the words. It asks you to be still and be loved. This is not a call to passivity but, rather, a call to surrender to redemption. Jesus wants so desperately to love you. He is love. He is perfect love. Stop searching and just be silent. 

If you've been keeping up with my posts, I bet you can guess which line shines brightest for me. No. you're wrong! Right now, the entire song speaks to my heart. I've recently found myself walking away instead of running toward Christ because I am scared. It is the disconnect of my head and my heart what keeps me from trusting the hands that hold me, trusting that they'll never let me go. God is not plagued by human imperfection. Therefore, God does not fall short and disappoint--He is worthy of my trust.

why?

In the past year, I've noticed myself asking 'why?' a lot...a lot. I have questions and most of the time, people have only partial answers. I desperately want to know things and the incompleteness of the answers I often get leads simply to more questions..

I know next to nothing about love and because of that I'm very critical of it. When someone says "I love you," the question "why?" almost always pops into my mind. Until last night, I don't remember ever actually asking the question but for some reason, I had the nerve to ask.

I recieved a simple text message from a friend saying "I love you!" and my response was "Is it rude, mean, inapprop, etc. if I ask you why?" There was part of me that really wantd to know why she loves me and another part that didn't even expect a response to such a strange question. I don't think many people ponder why they love. It just happens, it just is, just because. TERRIBLE ANSWERS!

Her answer just about brought me to tears..."Nope. I love you because you're really awesome to talk with, hang with, and you're just beautiful. I see God glowing in you! And you remind me of me ;)"

Questions are great. They can lead to answers which teach us things we had never known before. They can lead us to more and more questions through which our understanding grows. If we don't ask questions, we risk settling in complaciancy.

Think about this today: pick someone you love and reflect on why...why do you love that person? could that ever change? then tell them you love them.

xoxoxo Emily

God is good.

I know it's been like 2 days since I posted. My apologies for the lack of communication.

I have great news though and I just have to share it. Try to take a guess...my toenails are painted teal?? I tried ironing my shirt w/ a hair straightener because I was too lazy to get my iron out?? it rained today?? I love the color yellow almost more than life itself?

Well, yes, all those things are true and super great but they're not quite what I was going for.

Let me just tell you. I have 4 more wonderful ministry partners!!!!! I checked my mail today like I do every day and found four envelopes with the colorful address sticker that I put on over 100 envelopes a week and a half ago.

Thank you Ashley Kingsbury, Lizzy Van Oss, Corbeill family, and Wiese family.

I just want to take this moment to scream THANK YOU at the top of my lungs so yall can hear it. Your support really means a lot to me. Thank you for believing that this mission is worth supporting. I cannot wait to get to San Diego and let the fun begin. My heart so desperately wants to live on mission.

The support total is now at $535--about 1/8 of my total need for the project. Please pray that more and more people see the enormous worth in sharing the gospel.

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

Dear you,

Are you aware of how much I appreciate you?

Even when I walk away, you have pursued my heart. Despite the way I have treated you sometimes, you haven't given up on me. It hasn't been long but you have loved me well...and yet I am still afraid.

I know I'm sassy and stubborn and I know I have frustrated you with that many times, but you have never gotten so annoyed with me that you snapped. Thank you. Part of that stubbornness has had me keep you at a distance despite how desperately you want in. It's just a defense mechanism, I bet you already knew that, but it is my way of guarding my heart so I don't end up hurt...again. Sarcasm, sassiness, and stubbornness are simply my ways of saying, "we can be friends but only this much because I don't trust you." I want to trust you. I want to give you a chance to really know me. Me, the real me, not the me I am on paper or the me I pretend to be. I want you to know the me behind the smile, behind the sass, behind the fear.

Right now, I want you to know that I'm going to try. We've talked about it. I have thought about it. I've spent my entire lifetime running. It's time to try, time for surrender.

Recently, I've spent a lot of time looking for fulfillment and coming up empty. I am aware, however, that the one place I will find peace and fulfillment is what I desire and fear the most: love. Help me love. Help me learn to be loved. I need you. You know how much I dislike feeling needy but this is different. I don't know what real love really looks like. I've gotten glimpses of it--in friendships before the hurt, in sunshine, at SpringHill--but, now, I want more than a just a flash.

I'm opening my heart slowly. Please prove me wrong. Please don't hurt me.

Love, me

P.S. I love you.

Yeah when my world is falling apart.
When there's no light to break up the dark,
That's when I, I, I look at you.

When the waves are flooding the shore, 

and I can't find my way home anymore.

That's when I, I look at you.

Jesus is clever, He must've had a Jesuit education...

So this one time, I went to 9 p.m. mass and it was great. the end.

no. yes. well, it was great. Fr. David Meconi, SJ has this wonderful ability to tap into my emotions and make a hot mess out of my feelings in public settings. During mass I prayed, laughed, cried, cried some more and sang some wonderful songs (achem...Hungry). I was reminded of my insecurities and my deepest fears. I was reminded of love--how desperately I need it and how much it means to me, for me to receive and to give.

Last night, we heard the gospel story talking about turing the other cheek and if he takes your cloak, give him your tunic also and if he demands you go a mile, go two (Matt 5:38-48). Fr. Meconi hashed out the meaning in a way that 99.9% of us had never heard. He explained that Jesus was not saying that if we follow Him people are going to walk all over us and we aren't supposed to do anything about it. No, Jesus knew the culture. When someone backhands you across the face it was read as a sign of elevated authority and when you turn the other cheek, the only way they could continue hitting you would be to punch you but that was considered an act of equality. The idea is that turning the other cheek is not an act of passivity but rather a clever way to stop the cycle of violence. And the other two things offer the same sort of situation. If a guy takes your cloak and you give him your tunic as well, he would get in trouble for exposing your nudity and if a Roman soldier made you do a mile of service but you did two, the soldier would be chided for overworking you. Jesus knew the culture. He was clever. He must've had a Jesuit education--an education involving the culture so His work would be culturally relevant.

Then, in a Meconi-style tangent, Fr. Meconi started talking about the trinity. Three in one, the trinity is totally dependent. In our culture, we have been taught that dependency is not a good thing but that's clearly a lie. The three persons of the trinity are so dependent on one another that if one were to not exist, the other two would be obsolete. One cannot exist without the other two. Dependency leads to holiness, to wholeness. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are called to holiness through relationship. By letting others into our lives, we get closer to this ideal.

Ohmygoodness!!! Fr. Meconi's random Trinitarian tangent seemed to be directed right at me. I've been struggling with the reality of humanity. I've been hurt by a lot of people coming into my life then just peace-ing out when things get tough or uncomfortable and especially by one person seeming to do this recently. People promise they're in for the long haul but then something that they don't know how to handle happens and they run away. I felt like Fr. Meconi was looking straight into my broken heart and asking me to give it another shot. People are always going to disappoint me, I know that, but God never will. If God is the buffer in the center of the dependent relationship, the hurt of the disappointment won't sting so much.

Right now, as I bounce back from the injury of another relationship lost, I must look to the future and all the possibilities for love. My heart will heal.

Love, Emily

P.S. if you read this far, you are amazing. go reward yourself.


"Broken, I run to you, for your arms are open wide..."

A BIG "thank you!"

THANK YOU! to the two wonderful people who have become my ministry partners in the last week. With their help, the deposit is taken care of! I have been blessed to have these two fulfill the $300 deposit I need to send in at the end of next week. Praise God!

I know God will provide me adequate ministry partners to support my mission this summer. I know that and I trust Him in that. However, I was still worried that getting $300 together so quickly was asking a little much. Clearly not. God is making His will known by setting forth exactly what I need.

Please join me in praying for those contemplating partnering with me this summer. I do not ask simply for money but for prayers and the development of a relationship. This is not simply fundraising, but, rather, ministry partner development. It's less about the money and more about the relationships.

I am so excited to see how the Lord sets this into motion.

AMDG, Emily

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says: 'do not fear, I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13

Read what God did...so never will you doubt...

So, I've decided to read the entire bible this year. I'm sick and tired of not knowing what's in it. Like so many people, I am guilty of proclaiming myself to be one who knows God but I really have no idea about the guy. I have so many questions...sooo many questions that I want answered. I know that questions are great but I also know that there's something to be said for taking the initiative to answer your own questions. So that's my plan.

I'll keep you updated.

Love, Emily

P.S. if you're interested in doing the same, click here to check out the website I'm using as a guide. It has 5 plans for each of like 25 different translations. So cool!!

Hide your kids, hide your wife

To those who do not understand or appreciate the title of this entry: my sincere apologies, please ignore my immaturity.

I'd like to take a moment and review the events of the past few weeks...
1. a few weeks ago, I met this girl and we became facebook friends that night. The moment our friendship was fb official, I wrote on her wall and it read "let the stalking begin..."
2. today, I wrote 7 comments on Amanda's wall in addition to the 5 wall posts I left.
3. One of those comments was "You have a very nice shower curtain"...Amanda has never given me a tour of her room.
4. my amazingness has been captured in 2 people's statuses (stati, perhaps, I don't know the correct plurality) in 24 hours
5. Annie and I had to take a friendship timeout last night for about 10 hours so we could each get our work done in a relatively reasonable amount of time
6. last week, I perused the internet for hours to find addresses of teachers I had in elementary school so I could send them letters. I did this with such ferocity that Tyra Banks is working on upping her fierce-factor.
7. since Saturday, I have hacked Annie's facebook thrice (aka 3x) to make her statuses super fun and slightly inappropriate.
8. I brushed my teeth in the gym and in the library today.

It seems as though I have gone stir crazy after having my facebook deactivated for a week. It seems as though I've had at least three cups of coffee a day since Friday...oh, wait, that's true. It seems as though I have no outlet for my obnoxious energy.

Truth be told, I'm a professional creeper. You only think I'm majoring in theology and social work...that's code for majoring in creeping.

Just sayin'

xoxoxo Em

P.S. I just drank more coffee. Yummmm.

Naked Without Shame

Don't run. I know I just wrote the word 'naked.' Oooh, there I go again!!! It's no typo, friends.

This semester, one of my classes is called "Sex Gender, and Christian Ethics"  and so I'm reading up on JPII's (Pope John Paul II) Theology of the Body specifically looking at premarital sex and the reason it has been deemed immoral by the Catholic Church--and Christianity in general as far as I know. The first time I was exposed to the Theology of the Body was during some summer youth group meetings 3 1/2 years ago and I remember being in awe of the depth to which this made sense.

The thing that stuck with me the most through the years was the concept of humans being called to be "naked without shame" just as Adam and Eve wandered the garden of Eden. Genesis 2: 25 tells us that "the man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame" before sin entered the world. This is how we were supposed to be--naked without shame.

Now, this is what i've been learning with JPII's brilliance:

Personally, I think you should be able to read my notes since I so graciously photographed them for you, but because I sympathize with those who have imperfect eyesight, I'll tell you what it says and do a little explaining...

Here's the deal, like I said before, Adam and Eve were chillin in the garden in their respective birthday suits and totally fine with it. They were relaxed living in the freedom on the gift (aka their human sexuality). Just six verses later, sin enters the world--with sin comes injustice, death, shame, and fear. In the next verse they realize they are naked and a few verses later when God calls to Adam, Adam hides and says something to the effect of "I was afraid so I hid." Here, we see that Adam no longer felt so carefree in his nakedness. Instead, he felt shame and so he was afraid. Without shame, there was freedom...with shame comes fear. 

A very wise lady has grilled it into my head that FEAR IS NOT OF THE LORD. (This is the same person who who thinks I have an alone complex as I mentioned in my post "Everything Glorious" a few days ago) Anyway, If shame is akin to fear and fear is not of the Lord, then by the transitive property, shame is not of the Lord. 

When shame came into the picture along with sin, we lost our intended freedom to the power of fear. Here's the deal, humans were gifted free will at the time of creation--that's what makes us totally different than any other species, but something about this freedom was lost at the fall. Yes, we still have free will but it looks very different now than God had originally intended. 

When Adam and Eve chose to sin, the human relationship with God was shattered. They essentially said "no" to God--"No, I can do this better"--something each of us probably says multiple times a day. Therefore, "the real origin of man's fear is his 'closing his heart' to God's gift" JPII says. Sin is a rejection of God's love.

So, my friends, we were intended to be naked without shame. This expression of total vulnerability is no longer shame-free. To strip someone naked, is the ultimate way to disgrace them. 

Nakedness is a very physical thing, but it can be applied to other aspects of life as well. For example, through gossip, we strip another person of their privacy and a piece of their self-worth. And sarcasm, does the same. In an effort to build ourselves up so we do not feel shame, we tear other people down in such a way they are engulfed by shame. Unfortunately, shame has the uncanny ability to permeate every aspect of life. 

I watched a movie a week or so ago that had this great line "I will not do anything to shame myself, my family, or the team." I think that's a great mindset to have--especially if you count your family as the body of Christ.

Just sayin'

xoxoxox Emily

P.S. this is much longer than I had anticipated.

Singles Awareness Day

Last week, Lifeteen published an article called: What a Girl really wants in a Guy. It's an interesting read.

Men, pay attention, take notes.
Women, respect yourselves and your desires--don't cave just because he's cute.

Singles Awareness Day (aka Valentine's Day) begins in about 15 minutes and well, I'll probably write about my disdain for Valentine's Day tomorrow after a full day of vomiting in my mouth.

Everything Glorious!

It is 54 degrees outside. Look at the date....February 13th and 54 degrees.

This is absolutely glorious. It means I went running OUTSIDE and not just outside but IN SHORTS OUTSIDE. Glorious, I tell you. I got new running shoes yesterday and now I was able to properly christen them on the pavement.

want to know what else is glorious? friendship.

Last night was simple but beautiful. my friend Emiley and I ended up having a very unexpected heart-to-heart. what was shared will not be shared in this forum but, I'm telling you, it is not something either of us had anticipated.

I have this problem someone has referred to as an "alone complex" and while I think its more of a reality than a complex, the thing is that I often feel like I'm walking alone. Yes, I have friends. I have wonderful friends but I struggle with letting them love me. Thus, it sometimes seems like no one does and therefore, I feel alone. That was not the case last night or today.

Today I finished my run at Annie's. I made a pit stop at my room and picked up a picture I had drawn for her and then ran it over to her and set it up in the frame she had gotten for it. I then proceeded to nap on her futon and talk her into taking me to Jimmy John's for dinner. I took a shower while she finished up some work and when I came out she was on the phone with her mom. I didn't want to interrupt, so I opened her computer and found something to do. After hacking her facebook and writing a status about how she needed to shower, I wrote her a love note and saved it for her to find later. Now, I just got a text from her telling me to listen to "I Won't Let Go" (Rascal Flatts). Listen to it. Cry. I did. Clearly, Miss Annie found my letter. Annie has this uncanny ability to find music that speaks to my heart. She has seriously sat next to me and played songs on youtube in order to make me cry.

I'm not alone.

This is glorious.

I am loved.

Now I'm off to mass. My good time with the Author of Love.

xoxoxo Emily

What's in a name?

This blog is titled "Lead me..." and subtitled "Joyfully hoping. Patiently afflicted. Faithfully praying." I suspect some of you may have already pinpointed the inspiration behind these two choices, especially the subtitle.

If you guessed that it references Romans 12:12, you would be correct. The verse reads: "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer" and has offered me countless promptings. You may know that I am one of the most impatient people on this earth. It's not that I feel I deserve instant gratification. Rather, my impatience stems from my active lifestyle. I am and always have been a doer--I not only want to know why but I also want to know how. Clearly, I struggle with patience in general, so patience in affliction is an entirely separate ball game. In all honesty, I have been praying for patience a lot recently, and in answering those prayers, God has given me opportunities to practice patience--from things as simple as hanging up my coat on the bulky hook in my locker at the pool to more the more frustrating situation of waiting for important mail or following someone walking slowly. In the movie, Evan Almighty, someone expresses the idea that when we pray, we do not necessarily get whatever it is we pray for automatically granted to us, but rather, God gives us opportunities to grow towards the goal.

Now for the main title. Although I had one specific thing in mind when I chose the title, I've realized there are countless ways the relate "Lead me..."to the purpose of this blog. There are three songs I've come across that vividly depict the necessity of seeking the Lord's guidance--Lead Me (Sanctus Real), Lead Me To The Cross (Hillsong United), and Lead Me Home (Matt Maher). Music speaks to me in my weakest moments--many of which have been ignited by me feeling lost. I know that I don't know what I'm doing at all. Really, I don't know anything and I need to let my guard down to acknowledge that vulnerability and let someone lead me.

Impatience does not lend itself well to following someone else. So, as I relinquish control, my desire for patience becomes all the stronger.

Listen to those songs and tell me about how they're moving you.

Ad majorem dei gloriam,
Emily

Lead me...

I've always wanted to blog but never felt like I had a reason to. Now, though, seems like a good time to start.

This summer, I will be going on a 10-week mission trip to San Diego, CA (San Diego summer project/ SDSP) with Campus Crusade and I want to share that experience. I already know that amazing things are going to happen all the time. But I also know that I won't have time to write everyone letters about all the amazing things. So this seems like a logical way to impart information before, during, and after my 10 weeks in San Diego.

Here I intend to post: a testimony video to tell you how I've gotten to this point in my life, an explanation of SDSP, all those amazing experiences, pictures, random thoughts, etc. And if there is anything you ever want to know, leave me a comment or write me an email (emilyclark13@gmail.com) and I'll give it a shot.

I really hope this can be a useful tool to keep you updated on my journey. I don't know what God is going to do with me or this blog or with me and the blog. It's all up to Him to lead me...

Ad majorem dei gloriam, 

Emily