the journey is the destination

When I was on a home visit two weeks ago, I mentioned to my mother that I was thinking about graduating a semester early. If I don't take at least 18 credits a semester, I get bored and I could have all my requirements taken care of with just another semester and a half. Sitting at the kitchen table, as I walked to the faucet to refill my waterbottle, my mom said,"Emily, slow down. You've always been trying to rush life. You need to just let it happen." 

There an alarming truth 

and a bit of parental wisdom.

She's right.

I have a control problem. 

I also have a short attention span and a free spirit. 

From a very young age, I've seemed to focus on the end goal rather than the process by which I achieve said goal. During the years I swam competitively, I constantly had pieces of bright colored paper with numbers taped to various focal points in my bedroom. These numbers were my goal times for the season. I did not make step by step, short-term goals. I set a big ones that were far in the distance, far from my reach. The goals were always attainable but often not fully attained because I would become intimidated. I focused on what was ahead rather than what was right now. 

My friends Annie and Chris recently bought TOMS whose pattern reads "the journey is the destination." When Annie told me about the shoes, I liked the saying but I hadn't reflected on it until now. 

What am I missing by living in the future?

Why can't I just enjoy this moment?

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I'll do after I graduate in two years--will I go straight to grad school or will I volunteer for a year like I wanted to after high school? Where will I go to grad school? Am I going to want a Ph. D. or can I settle for a masters? Will I ever move back to Michigan or is that history? When would be the ideal time to get married? I've been thinking of what classes I want to take to get the best education suited for the field I want to enter.

I always rush through life.

Fact is, I'm gonna miss this.

Someone told me that undergrad is the time when you're supposed to read. You're supposed to read everything you can get your hands on. You're supposed to take any class that sounds even remotely interesting. The classes you take the most of are what you'll graduate with a degree in but that's not something to put your focus on. You aren't expected to have it all figured out as an undergrad. You aren't supposed to be a grown up yet (reference my previous post to gain an understanding of the defining characteristics of grown-up-ness). I understood the words this person was saying but not the concept. As I have witnessed my peers in action for the past two years, it seems as though most of them have it figured out. Most know what they want to do with their life, or they at least have a solid idea, and most certainly know what they do not want to do. But tonight as I thumbed through the Curriculum Vitae of a few professors, I realized that this air of confidence many of my peers seem to exude about their future plans is a total farce. 

These professors are some of the most brilliant and fascinating human beings I have ever known. Both are theology professors. One studied political science at Yale in her undergrad...now she teaches theology. The other played football and studied religion and business administration. After graduation, he went on to successfully work in the business world until religious life caught his heart. Then, he became a Jesuit and furthered his education in theology at Yale, Notre Dame, Oxford, and in Rome. These people I have grown to admire and trust had absolutely no idea what their lives were going to look like when they were my age. They did what they wanted and let life happen. 

This is one of those things that is a choice--a daily choice--but its a decision that is completely up to me. One of the most common things my campers last summer heard me say was "I want you to learn to live in the moment." Good going Em, perhaps you need to listen to yourself. 

Let life happen.

Perhaps the most simple yet difficult task I've ever been charged with. 

"The beauty of the Christian tradition is that it holds grace and human finitude together." JHR

Back to the beginning...

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will be done.”

Remember when I started this blog some months ago I explained the title? Well, I'm listening to the songs of inspiration for that and realizing something...this whole leading/following situation I signed up for is a lot more complicated that I anticipated.

It's like a trust walk.

I led two groups of campers in a trust walk last summer and I've been a part of a few in my time as well. I know what it's like on both sides. Leading can be frustrating and aggravating and participating is usually just as frustrating but also difficult. It is called a trust walk for a reason. It takes trust. Trust the person in front of you. Trust the leader. 

Supposedly, God is the leader of this trust walk called my life. That's the plan at least. This thing we call sin is a fancy way of saying "not trusting God." It's like opening your eyes during the walk. We often think of opening our eyes as something really great but in this case, its not so good. 

My eyes are closed and I have NO IDEA where He is taking me and I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared. I like control. I really like to know what's going on. My google calendar says it all. I schedule meals. I schedule naps. Everything has its own allotted time slot. That calendar acts as a source of control for me.

My eyes are closed and when I can't feel His hand on me, I freak out and open my eyes...and every trust walk leader is disappointed when she sees a participants eyes flutter open...even if just for a moment. 

I know He is leading me somewhere but I don't know where. I have no idea. I can't even guess. There are stops along the way but I don't see one coming for a long time. 

Do I really just have to walk?

I've never done that before.

As far back as I can remember, there has always been something I could see coming up. 

Now...nothing.

Its like we're walking on a highway. It's dangerous. I want to open my eyes because I think it'd probably be easier for us all, but He just wants me to learn to trust Him. On a highway there are signs, of course, but because my eyes are closed i can't see them--only God can--and though I ask, He just keeps telling me to trust Him. 

BUT I DON'T KNOW 

WHERE WE'RE GOING!

I don't think you get it.

I think I'm gonna have to get over all that because it doesn't look like its going to change any time soon. I could be wrong (I often am), but it certainly looks like life is a highway. 

I'm back to the beginning. Lead me...

Lead me to the cross, where your love poured out, bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down.

Lead me home and I will rest in you.

Father, Lead me, because I can't do this alone.

Free fallin'

"I'd risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly."

false.

I'm a two feet on the ground sort of girl. It was one of my goals last summer to make it down the zipline at camp. Did it happen? No. I was not afraid of heights or going fast. No. I was afraid of the fall. Everything is triple  locked at SpringHill so there is no way that I would plummet to the ground, but I would still fall. There has to be a little give in the line or else it would snap. That little bit of give results in a 1.2 second fall before your harness catches you. 1.2 seconds. Even when I promised Bailey I'd go down if she made it to the top of the rock wall, I couldn't. I was too afraid of the fall. I kept my feel securely on the ground. I don't like falling. 

It's that control thing.

If I don't stay in control, I become vulnerable and open to getting hurt. It sucks, but its true. And I'm just tired of being hurt. Just tired. I'm tired of fighting. so much so that I don't really know what I'm fighting for anymore.

love

future

faith

relationships

happiness

"He who risks and fails can be forgiven. He who never risks and never fails is a failure in his whole being."

You are more than the choices that you've made

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes

You are more than the problems you create

What's it going to take for me to let go? Or at least let other people hang on with me? We are a people made for community. I've said it before. We need people. I need people. I know that, but what's it going to take for me to believe that not everyone is trying to hurt me? People are human and therefore, I will be disappointed at times but that's not necessarily the person's intention. 

I don't know what it feels like to fly. The concept is so totally other that I cannot even fathom it, but, from what I've heard from the birds singing and all my campers who made it down the zipline, flying is like nothing else. Plane flights don't count. Am I going to let fear run my life? 

Come on people. 

That's no way to live.

That's not really living, it's just existing.

And everyone knows that a girl who loves rhinestones and coloring books the way I do was meant to do more than just exist in this world. We all know that I'm here to cover the world in glitter.

So how do I get from here to there?

I don't know. 

Perhaps I do everything I don't want to do. 

I'm running back to your promises...one more time

My best friend, Franny

Yesterday, I found out that I have a best friend I never knew about. Her name is Francesca but I call her Franny (you can too). See now, my cousin reminded me of this friendship yesterday morning when she emailed me about a song Franny wrote for me. I promise you, I'm really not that bad of a friend. I really didn't know she knew me this well until I listened to the song. Listen in...

In all seriousness, it's super cool that the one song I've ever known to have my name in it speaks of things I speak about. Very cool people, very cool.

Just sayin'

Give it all.

"Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness." ~Blessed Mother Teresa

This past summer I learned that I'm a doer. It was week 1.1 and Laura and I were on our fun-on-one getting hot cocoa in town (it was raining and cold) and we were talking about all sorts of things but as we pulled back into camp the topic of Surrender came up. It's something Laura had struggled with, she said, because it is most often presented as something done through prayer. Laura is a doer. She wanted to have some sort of checklist to qualify the quality of her Surrender.

In the past months, I have seen how much words don't mean to me. Not by themselves. Words by themselves are nothing more than a few letters stacked together that have a dictionary meaning but are not necessarily infused with truth. It is when words get attached to actions that they may actually mean something.

For example, the word 'love' really is just four letters in a row until it is connected. There's this song called 'There is a Way" by NewWorldSon that my friend Kelsey's mom sent me a few months ago. Listen to it and you'll understand a little about how I feel about love.

My point is, without action words are just words. That includes prayer of Surrender. In the bible, Jesus asks us to give away everything we have and follow Him. Often times we read those passages and say they have a different meaning in today's context. We say that Jesus didn't actually mean give up everything but instead He was pointing to the necessity of sacrifice. That seems like a cop out. If we aren't willing to give up everything, we are retaining control of our lives and, therefore, we are not Surrendered.

No one ever said it would be easy. No one ever said it wouldn't hurt.

It's hard and it hurts. But that's why it's so worth it. I can't say that from personal experience because I have a huge issue with control but I do believe that giving one's self totally to Christ and letting Him take everything seems much better than taking it ourselves.

A friend showed me a youtube video this afternoon after small group and there was a line in it that really struck me. The video was of a skit of a girl talking to God as He gets approval to chisel away all the things on her that are not of Him. Anyway. She said "...but I've let you down..." and His response was something like, "No, you have never let me down. That's not even possible. I've always been holding you up. I hold you on my shoulders and always have--you don't hold me."

We don't know

As this song explains, we don't always know how God blesses us but we must trust that He does.

I just heard this song on the radio and was really listening to the lyrics as they spoke to my heart. Oftentimes, I get frustrated when things aren't going my way and the Lord seems far away.I need to remember that His love never fails. Although love has failed me in the past, His love never has. If someone has walked away in our relationship, it has always been me. He is perfect and so I know if there is ever a problem in our relationship, it's because of me.

Lord, show me my value today. Make your blessings clear to me throughout the day. I promise to walk with you and look for those blessings, no matter how small. I thank you for your abounding goodness. Daddy, I think you for all you have blessed me with and all the ways you continue to bless me. In turn, I hope my actions can bless your name, Daddy. I pray that every breath I breathe can satisfy you.

MercyMe - Beautiful

This song has been following me around for the past few days. A friend of mine brought this song into my life a month ago and it hasn't gone away.

Truth.

Story of my life

Hello friends, would you like to know why I'm packing my bags and going to San Diego for the entire summer with over a hundred people I don't know? Well, listen to this song. Funny thing is that I didn't find this song. No, out of the blue, one of my week 1.5 campers from last summer posted it on my facebook a few hours ago.


P.S. I'm up one more ministry partner!!!! Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Michalik for your gift.

Sing to me.

I can finally see


That you're right there beside me.


I am not my own,


For I have been made new.


Please don't let me go,


I desperately need you.



I am not my own


For I have been made new.


Please don't let me go,


I desperately need you.

This summer, Owl City's Meteor Shower (lyrics above) was played each week during our Tuesday night sin drama. (I'm not entirely sure if you will be able to use this like to watch a video of the show, but it is worth a try.) As I watched my fellow staff members act out breaking free from the chains of sin by surrendering them to Christ, I was reminded of how much these words describe my life. I desperately need Christ. I am nothing without Him. Week after week, the words of this song hit me hard--like a cannon ball exploding on the ground. Week after week, the lights in the auditorium would turn back on and my campers would see me in tears. Even now, I get chills whenever I hear those words and find myself in a contemplative state as I read them. 

This song beautifully outlines a Christian approach to everyday life. Coming to daily surrender when we realize we can trust Him. I am disgustingly aware of my issue with control. Daily, I struggle to hand over control of my life. Taking that step to pray "Sacred heart of Jesus, I place my trust in you. Take control today and keep it because I know I will try to take it back" can sometimes take all day, sometimes longer. 

Why are you striving these days?

Why are you trying to earn grace"

Why are you crying?

Let me lift up your face.

Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?

To where will you go, child?

Tell me, where will you run.

To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side,

Wherever you fall,

In the dead of night,

Whenever you call.

and please don't fight

these hands that are holding you.

My hands are holding you.

Look at these hands and my side.

They swallowed the grave on that night 

when I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life.

I want to give you life.

Cause I, I love you.

I want you to know

That I, I love you.

I'll never let you go.

By Your Side (Tenth Avenue North) is the song of my week. My ipod sang this song to me as I finished my run last Sunday and this morning, it was the first song I heard on the radio at work. Listen to the words. It asks you to be still and be loved. This is not a call to passivity but, rather, a call to surrender to redemption. Jesus wants so desperately to love you. He is love. He is perfect love. Stop searching and just be silent. 

If you've been keeping up with my posts, I bet you can guess which line shines brightest for me. No. you're wrong! Right now, the entire song speaks to my heart. I've recently found myself walking away instead of running toward Christ because I am scared. It is the disconnect of my head and my heart what keeps me from trusting the hands that hold me, trusting that they'll never let me go. God is not plagued by human imperfection. Therefore, God does not fall short and disappoint--He is worthy of my trust.

Jesus is clever, He must've had a Jesuit education...

So this one time, I went to 9 p.m. mass and it was great. the end.

no. yes. well, it was great. Fr. David Meconi, SJ has this wonderful ability to tap into my emotions and make a hot mess out of my feelings in public settings. During mass I prayed, laughed, cried, cried some more and sang some wonderful songs (achem...Hungry). I was reminded of my insecurities and my deepest fears. I was reminded of love--how desperately I need it and how much it means to me, for me to receive and to give.

Last night, we heard the gospel story talking about turing the other cheek and if he takes your cloak, give him your tunic also and if he demands you go a mile, go two (Matt 5:38-48). Fr. Meconi hashed out the meaning in a way that 99.9% of us had never heard. He explained that Jesus was not saying that if we follow Him people are going to walk all over us and we aren't supposed to do anything about it. No, Jesus knew the culture. When someone backhands you across the face it was read as a sign of elevated authority and when you turn the other cheek, the only way they could continue hitting you would be to punch you but that was considered an act of equality. The idea is that turning the other cheek is not an act of passivity but rather a clever way to stop the cycle of violence. And the other two things offer the same sort of situation. If a guy takes your cloak and you give him your tunic as well, he would get in trouble for exposing your nudity and if a Roman soldier made you do a mile of service but you did two, the soldier would be chided for overworking you. Jesus knew the culture. He was clever. He must've had a Jesuit education--an education involving the culture so His work would be culturally relevant.

Then, in a Meconi-style tangent, Fr. Meconi started talking about the trinity. Three in one, the trinity is totally dependent. In our culture, we have been taught that dependency is not a good thing but that's clearly a lie. The three persons of the trinity are so dependent on one another that if one were to not exist, the other two would be obsolete. One cannot exist without the other two. Dependency leads to holiness, to wholeness. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are called to holiness through relationship. By letting others into our lives, we get closer to this ideal.

Ohmygoodness!!! Fr. Meconi's random Trinitarian tangent seemed to be directed right at me. I've been struggling with the reality of humanity. I've been hurt by a lot of people coming into my life then just peace-ing out when things get tough or uncomfortable and especially by one person seeming to do this recently. People promise they're in for the long haul but then something that they don't know how to handle happens and they run away. I felt like Fr. Meconi was looking straight into my broken heart and asking me to give it another shot. People are always going to disappoint me, I know that, but God never will. If God is the buffer in the center of the dependent relationship, the hurt of the disappointment won't sting so much.

Right now, as I bounce back from the injury of another relationship lost, I must look to the future and all the possibilities for love. My heart will heal.

Love, Emily

P.S. if you read this far, you are amazing. go reward yourself.


"Broken, I run to you, for your arms are open wide..."

What's in a name?

This blog is titled "Lead me..." and subtitled "Joyfully hoping. Patiently afflicted. Faithfully praying." I suspect some of you may have already pinpointed the inspiration behind these two choices, especially the subtitle.

If you guessed that it references Romans 12:12, you would be correct. The verse reads: "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer" and has offered me countless promptings. You may know that I am one of the most impatient people on this earth. It's not that I feel I deserve instant gratification. Rather, my impatience stems from my active lifestyle. I am and always have been a doer--I not only want to know why but I also want to know how. Clearly, I struggle with patience in general, so patience in affliction is an entirely separate ball game. In all honesty, I have been praying for patience a lot recently, and in answering those prayers, God has given me opportunities to practice patience--from things as simple as hanging up my coat on the bulky hook in my locker at the pool to more the more frustrating situation of waiting for important mail or following someone walking slowly. In the movie, Evan Almighty, someone expresses the idea that when we pray, we do not necessarily get whatever it is we pray for automatically granted to us, but rather, God gives us opportunities to grow towards the goal.

Now for the main title. Although I had one specific thing in mind when I chose the title, I've realized there are countless ways the relate "Lead me..."to the purpose of this blog. There are three songs I've come across that vividly depict the necessity of seeking the Lord's guidance--Lead Me (Sanctus Real), Lead Me To The Cross (Hillsong United), and Lead Me Home (Matt Maher). Music speaks to me in my weakest moments--many of which have been ignited by me feeling lost. I know that I don't know what I'm doing at all. Really, I don't know anything and I need to let my guard down to acknowledge that vulnerability and let someone lead me.

Impatience does not lend itself well to following someone else. So, as I relinquish control, my desire for patience becomes all the stronger.

Listen to those songs and tell me about how they're moving you.

Ad majorem dei gloriam,
Emily