GOALS the size of DREAMS

This morning I realized how uncool I have become and how I'm generally okay with it. It was nearing noon and I had been firmly planted in the left corner of my couch for hours tap-dancing in and out of my daunting search for a Ph. D. mentor. This means I was reading a lot of faculty bios and corresponding research articles. Upon my realization of my uncoolness, I poked fun at myself with a facebook post about these Saturday plans. When you are a sassy, introverted 20-something who really loves school, there's no shame, but instead, a glimmer of hopeful pride in such a status update. 

After some minimal yet appropriate amount of time, my father commented asking "about that doctorate work...are you moving forward?" Well, the answer to that question is complicated...and so the following descriptive email was sent:

I'm sure we will talk about this plenty by the time I jet home for Christmas however, you inquired via facebook about the progression of this doctorate work goal of mine so I'll do some sharing...

First of all, I'm conflicted in a vacillation between feeling thrilled and disillusioned (which presents like incapability) because my goals look a lot like what others call dreams. I don't just want to conduct research, yet I also cannot justdo clinical work. 

As I've reflected on my academic and personal experience over the last decade, this makes sense: I loved the way my nose would wrinkle as I pushed my brain to integrate the information I learned in my high school bio and physics classes and I loved the way the creativity of theology and english made my eyes sparkle.

There's no 25-item career test that takes these things into consideration and sputs out the directions to build a career that combines three disciplines in search of causation, effect, and intervention for a pervasive problem. Had there been such a questionnaire, I don't think it would've made much difference...it may have just allowed me to know where I was headed this whole time. 

As it turns out, I'm not content being an agent of social change with flamethrowers of compassion (aka a therapist). I'm also not content showing up to a lab every day and churning out deficit-based research. As of right now, it seems I need social work to guide my biopsychosocial strengths-based approach (specifically with intervention), developmental psychology to explain behavioral components of brain functioning, and neuroscience to provide information about that which is unseen. 

I'm still in the infancy of both articulating my questions and researching who can help build my knowledge base as I seek answers. So, no, I don't know where I want to do my Ph.D. or in what yet but I know there are some good looking programs out there and that the way a timely intersection of graduation-1st job-joining in research-liscensure-Ph.D is stressing me out a bit.

Happy saturday.

When I was telling someone about this earlier in the week, she laughed and said "well, you're not going to change the world..." 

What does she know?! Does her crystal ball actually tell her legitimate truths about the future? I doubt it.

If you have goals the size of dreams, don't apologize, don't believe they're born of fiction. Be passionate in your fierce pursuit and don't take no for an answer (from anyone, including yourself), because no is not right.