Week 4ever: Oh, the Places My Gaze Will Go

My reasoning for not writing a reflection at the conclusion of my #monthwithoutmirrors last week is twofold: 1. the week was busier than I have been used to in awhile. therefore, I enjoyed sitting on my couch not doing anything or talking to anyone a bit much when I returned home each night. 2. I wanted to wait awhile to compare my return to mirror-less existence to this past month as well as life before.

Sweet, holy mother of pearl! 

The mirror is annoying.

It's not completely unnecessary but almost. Sort of like salad dressing. We think it's a wonderful thing to have and that in the name of all things good and holy we can't live without it...until we end up at work with no dressing and al our work buddies brought not-salads and OH NO! Oh, yes. You'll be just fine. In fact, you'll be able to taste your salad not just your salad dressing. Fancy that. 

By no means am I advocating for us all to frolic into the streets, mirrors in hand and smash away our reflections. No, no, no. Please use the mirror to help you pluck your eyebrows and put on eyeliner and check for panty lines. These things are a decent part of feminine existence. And guys, please watch yourself while shaving and make sure your crack stays in your pants and before you leave the house, please! please! please! check that you're not wearing stripes and plaid together. These things are also a decent part of feminine existence. Yeah. 

Please someone, explain to me why on god's green earth I find it necessary to check myself in the mirror when I'm about to head out running. Why?! If I pick clothes out of my closet, why do I stand in front of the mirror as if to ask "is this acceptable' or 'does this look okay'? I'm a pretty competent human being. I think I can put clothes on my body in an acceptable manner...but perhaps not. Something deep in my psyche seems to disagree.  

In the past week, I think I've realized I'm looking in the mirror hoping for reassurance that I appear the way I want...determined by what the world has told me I should want. It's completely arbitrary and yet controlling. Remember my rant about the 000 clothing size at J. Crew? Same concept here combined with the concept I chatted about week 2 regarding my inner chatter, my inner appearance being unchanged. If I appear confident, perhaps I will become confident. 

If I appear competent, perhaps I will become competent. If I appear fulfilled, perhaps I will become fulfilled. If I appear ______, perhaps I will become _______. Let's remember what I learned at my very first collegiate swim camp: the body achieves what the mind believes. Though I believe there's truth in that regarding athletic performance and even a tad relating to life-performance, I strongly dislike the 'fake it till you make it' mentality and I realized this appear-->become crap is exactly that. HOLY DANG! I'm doing exactly the thing I despise. Grrrrrrrrrrr. #thanksnothanks My issue with 'fake it till you make it' is that it tells you that you're not enough as you are and that someday, after a lot of hard work, you will be enough. False. No. Wrong. Lies. Deception. My tent has its stakes hammered down in the land of 'relax. you have enough. you do enough. you are enough.' 

Legit posted in my journal, next to my mirror, and on my door.

It seems I'm needing to live a mirror-lite existence. The full-length mirror in my room is going to live under a shroud for awhile to help me figure out this intentionality...a little barrier between my mirror-happy psyche and reality. I vote that what I bring to the world is already in me, I just have to find it and share it. Cool bros. 

Week 3: know thyself

Yes, week 3 ended last Tuesday while I was enraptured by the marvels of Michigan and simply computer-less. My apologies, again. Instead of getting pissy about how clearly tardy this reflection comes, you could, perhaps, find some space for gratitude that my thoughts have had a few extra days to simmer richness into their meaning...perhaps.

Ladies, what's the single most challenging article of clothing to shop for? ...and they all responded: JEANS!

It was "cold" and I needed to wear pants that were not running leggings or yoga pants because eI was going out to lunch with my grandparents. And, in my brilliance, the only pair of jeans I had brought home was well-worn, slightly-baggy, and slightly torn--not lunch with the grandparents appropriate. So off to the store I scooted. And was soon as I walked in, I realized I was embarking in a feel-only based investment--I was going shopping without the ability to deem my appearance satisfactory based on the image in the mirror. Brilliant, just brilliant. 

Clothes shopping is not on the list of top 100 things I enjoy. I love clothes but hate the shopping part, the trying-on part, the staring at oneself in the mirror part. Shopping while banned from mirror gazing requires a different skill set involving a lot of trust. 

Trust the sales people: "You can always ask what we think," she said, and smiled. "It's what we're here for."

But ultimately trust yourself: Doing lunges in the fitting room helps discern mobility, but how can I know how my boot looks or if the pockets cut too low? Trust what feels right. Luckily, I'm not actually that picky about jeans. Still, I felt a wave of panic strike me as I handed over my credit card. 

Without the opportunity to use the mirror as my truth-teller, I've begun listening to my body and my heart. If my clothes feel good, I feel good, and when I feel good, I look good because I sparkle as I smile. When I show up at a formal awards dinner without looking at myself once in the mirror, I have to believe that even if my makeup isn't perfect, it's good enough. My makeup skills aren't what got me there anyway. 

In general however, I haven't been wearing makeup--freedom--not that I wear much regularly anyway. When you really don't know what you look like other than what your facebook profile picture shows, you've got no barometer with which to understand how people look at and treat you. Is there a big pimple on my chin? Do I have jelly smeared on my cheek? How unruly are my eyebrows? It's not that I no longer care, I most certainly do. Rather, I have crawled into a space of patience and peace with myself. Good enough really exists. 

What lies within me sparkles and creates and discovers and questions and loves and heals.

Considering that, why would I choose to give attention to the doubting, criticizing, perfection-seeking outside world of mine?

Week 2: The First Law of Motion

Two weeks without checking myself out in the mirror and, guess what, I'm not going crazy, not at all. It was tough for the first week when I wanted to put on eyeliner and check to make sure my unlatching clothes weren't too out of control. And then my racing heart calmed as I realized nothing bad had happened in the past week because I hadn't meticulously put on my eyeliner and mascara or spent 20 minutes changing into different workout tanks and shorts because the first outfit "didn't fall quite right today." Nothing bad had happened. No one had treated me any differently....

No one treated me any differently. That includes me. I didn't treat myself any differently. Even though I wasn't spending the time looking in the mirror, I was still experiencing the self-criticism I do regularly. Just instead of statements, the criticism took the form of questions, questions that I couldn't answer without looking in the mirror--do these shorts make my legs look fat? how sunburnt is my nose? is my sunglasses tan still obvious? is my hair cooperating today?--there's only so much your sense of touch can alert you about. The rest...its up to the gods (for the rest of the month, at least). 

Well, that's dumb. 

The whole point of this exercise is to change the way I treat myself! So, what am I doing wrong??!

Newton's first law of motion states the following:
an object in a form of uniform motion will stay in motion unless acted on by an external force.

Ah, ha! The "object" whose motion I'm aiming to alter is not vanity in the form of self-absorbed mirror staring, it's the self-criticism, the need to constantly check and recheck that I appear the right way whatever the heck that is. In fact, the mirror has less to do with making this change than I had originally thought. It starts from within. I must summon the courage and compassion to be completely as I am--no excuses, no apologies, no wishing it were different. It's not going to just happen. I have to do something, to make a choice, to try something different.  Sure, not looking in a mirror for a month is trying something different, but not if the work stops there. Growing and using courage and compassion isn't a mathematical formula or a law of physics, it's heart work.

Newton's third law of motion states the following:

for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. 

Beautiful. Possible. The trick is to figure out how to set this "equal and opposite reaction" in motion. 

If self-criticism exists intensely, self-compassion and self-acceptance also exist profoundly. Therefore work here requires me to uncover the compassion and acceptance that already exist, not go hunting for it in foreign territories. 

As always, easier said than done. 

As always, its a practice. 

I breathe out criticism.

I breathe in compassion.

I breathe out criticism.

I breathe in acceptance.
And my heart is full.

Month without Mirrors: WEEK 1

This world. This dang world.

I vow myself into a month of mirror-less living and am immediately confronted with all sorts of emotions and temptations and crazy. These things can make a good day feel bad. And then I remember that there is no way to lose, no way to fail and so I buck up and walk forward.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to navigate the gym without looking in the mirror? Mirrors in the locker room and the weight room and the cardio room...they're everywhere. Why are there mirrors all over the gym? In the weight room, sure, I can get that--you need to watch your form. But why in the cardio room? And why is the locker room lined with mirrors? Why?????? Here's my hypothesis: a large percentage of those who frequent the gym, do so for vanity reasons. They are concerned about what they look like (especially in comparison to others) and therefore, the mirrors are meeting that need. No judgement, just a hypothesis.

Now You See Me...Now You Don't

When I brush my teeth before bed tonight, 

I will be looking in the mirror for the last time for a month. 

I'm beginning a month without mirrors.

completely

It's not because I'm so vain that I need to take a break from loving myself. It's not that I'm so full of self-hate that I need space from my ugliness. Some of both, sure, but it's way bigger than that. 

People fast from food and technology and bad habits and all sorts of things as a way to cleanse themselves physically and spiritually. This month without mirrors (I'm hoping) will serve the same sort of purpose. When I look in the mirror, yes, I see myself. More often than not, however, that image staring back at me seems distant, imperfect, and wrong because I'm busy comparing what I see to what I think I "should" see...who I "should" be. And I'm sick of it. 

Brene Brown says, "COMPARISON is the THIEF OF JOY."

I don't know what it's going to be like. I don't know what to expect--other than that it will be challenging. I don't know how it will affect me. I don't know if I'm ready to do this. The way to figure it all out, though, is to try. 

Ready? Go!

I'll keep you updated each week!