The Most Dangerous Game You'll Ever Play

I've been full of thoughts recently, as evident by the four posts in two days. I had promised myself I'd never write more than once a day...but sometimes I have more thoughts than can be whittled into one post.

Here's the name of the game: What If...


Directions: Begin a statement "what if..." and finish by say something that you could have done but didn't or could have said but didn't or something of the like. Then, think about it.

Sometimes you'll chew and chew on that nugget of speculation until it disintegrates and you can start a new one or sometimes you'll gnaw on it so long it gets hard and nasty or sometimes no matter how long you think about it, it will never stop. Dangerous, I tell you. The results are unpredictable and each speculation is unprecedented.

I have found myself playing this game a few times recently but always with the same thoughts.

...what if I hadn't been so tired when I gave Jen that answer?
...what if I had gone to a different college?
...what if I had studied abroad this semester?
...what if I had been in Iowa for the tournament on February 26th and 27th?
...what if I had kept my mouth shut?
...what if I had told her myself?
...what if I had cried?
...what if I hadn't run away?
...what if i hadn't waited so long?
...what if I had listened when she said 'please please please don't go'?
...what if I go back?

This is a very dangerous game. I would advise you against participation unless you can stop your mind.

Will I get dual citizenship?

According to professional lip readers (no joke!) Prince William looked at Kate and said "You look beautiful" just before the ceremony was about to begin this morning. Awwwwwww.

I

WANT

TO

BE

A

PRINCESS.

People, hear me out. It's not like i woke up and watched the royal wedding this morning and found this new desire. No. I've wanted to be a princess longer than I've known how to spell the word.

I hear Harry's still available...and doesn't have a receding hairline (but either did William three years ago).

but he's a ginger...I don't think I'd like what that
would do to our children's skin tone.

Back to the beginning...

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will be done.”

Remember when I started this blog some months ago I explained the title? Well, I'm listening to the songs of inspiration for that and realizing something...this whole leading/following situation I signed up for is a lot more complicated that I anticipated.

It's like a trust walk.

I led two groups of campers in a trust walk last summer and I've been a part of a few in my time as well. I know what it's like on both sides. Leading can be frustrating and aggravating and participating is usually just as frustrating but also difficult. It is called a trust walk for a reason. It takes trust. Trust the person in front of you. Trust the leader. 

Supposedly, God is the leader of this trust walk called my life. That's the plan at least. This thing we call sin is a fancy way of saying "not trusting God." It's like opening your eyes during the walk. We often think of opening our eyes as something really great but in this case, its not so good. 

My eyes are closed and I have NO IDEA where He is taking me and I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared. I like control. I really like to know what's going on. My google calendar says it all. I schedule meals. I schedule naps. Everything has its own allotted time slot. That calendar acts as a source of control for me.

My eyes are closed and when I can't feel His hand on me, I freak out and open my eyes...and every trust walk leader is disappointed when she sees a participants eyes flutter open...even if just for a moment. 

I know He is leading me somewhere but I don't know where. I have no idea. I can't even guess. There are stops along the way but I don't see one coming for a long time. 

Do I really just have to walk?

I've never done that before.

As far back as I can remember, there has always been something I could see coming up. 

Now...nothing.

Its like we're walking on a highway. It's dangerous. I want to open my eyes because I think it'd probably be easier for us all, but He just wants me to learn to trust Him. On a highway there are signs, of course, but because my eyes are closed i can't see them--only God can--and though I ask, He just keeps telling me to trust Him. 

BUT I DON'T KNOW 

WHERE WE'RE GOING!

I don't think you get it.

I think I'm gonna have to get over all that because it doesn't look like its going to change any time soon. I could be wrong (I often am), but it certainly looks like life is a highway. 

I'm back to the beginning. Lead me...

Lead me to the cross, where your love poured out, bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down.

Lead me home and I will rest in you.

Father, Lead me, because I can't do this alone.

Gosh, dang it!

So, apparently, over time, things happen. Seems, simple, right? Wrong. Things happen. Whether we like it or not, things happen over time.

9 months after you get pregnant, 

you'll probably be giving birth.

8 years after you start kindergarden, 

you'll probably graduate 8th grade.

7 days after you go to church, 

you'll probably be going back.

6 months after you complain about the winter cold, 

you'll probably complain about the summer heat.

you get the point.

Time happens.

Things happen.

I don't like it.

Good things happen and bad things happen, yes, but when I say I don't like things happening, I'm not talking about the good v. bad. Rather, I strongly dislike when good things come to an end.

It has come to my attention in approximately the last 48 hours that a certain good things will be coming to an end in approximately 2 weeks. So, apparently, time doesn't care that I don't like it. 

Kelsey came to St. Louis in August  as an intern with Campus Crusade--a huge step of faith. She had just graduated from High Point University (NC) with a degree in interior design--not exactly something that feeds into ministry. Through God's intervention and my submission, I got involved with a Campus Crusade bible study on campus that she was co-leading with a student here. A few days after the first meeting I attended (and left early), I got an email from Kelsey saying: My name is Kelsey and I co-lead the small group at SLU with Tim. He gave me your contact information to contact you and see if you were possibly interested in meeting up with me sometime? I will be there on Tuesdays, and would love to just be able to sit down and get to know you better, talk about the Lord, and get into the word. If you are interested I would love to hear from you! I thought about it, I prayed about it. Long story short, I emailed her back 30 minutes later and that's when it all started.

We met the following Tuesday and shared our stories--the parts we felt comfortable enough to get vulnerable with--and we continued to share our stories, our faith, our struggles, and essentially our lives every Tuesday. We would go out for coffee and sit there for three hours and not think a thing of it. 

Ever since the beginning of our relationship I've struggled with thinking two things: 1. its Kelsey's job to hang out and like me and 2. what's the point, she's only going to be here a year. she'll touch my heart then leave just like everyone else.

Those two things have come up over and over but the relationship remains. If #1 was really true, I don't really think tears would have been shed when she found out painful things about my life or phone calls would be made over Christmas break. If I really believed #2, I wouldn't have stuck around with her. Simple as that...not really...those things have plagued me all year. Whatever.

Fact of the matter is, Kelsey is leaving in two weeks. 

Her year with Cru is up.

I may never see her again.

Wanna guess how my heart feels???? I was journaling about it this morning and even still, my heart is apprehensive. Not broken, not abandoned. I knew this was coming. I remember being on retreat in October and telling Kelsey through tears, that I wasn't going to let myself get close to her because she was just going to leave me like everyone else. She promised that she was going to be here for the year and it would be silly for me not to give her that year. 

I gave her the year...kind of. If you know me, you know I'm terribly difficult and stubborn and afraid of vulnerability. Translate that into discipleship and you get me avoiding certain subjects or saying I'm fine when I'm really not--you get secrets. Well, Kelsey broke through barriers I had set up. She didn't ask to know the secrets but found out on her own accord. And some of those secrets broke her heart...that's why they were secrets in the first place. 

Like I said, Kelsey broke down walls that very very few people break. She loved me in a way that I have never experienced before. She held my face and prayed for me as I was having an asthma attach and waiting for the ambulance in September and then sat in the ER waiting room for hours. She interrupted her staff meeting and talked to her staff team and even to her mom in hopes of finding me resources in December. Kels was never content with meeting me where I was at and chilling there. Very soon after meeting me, Kelsey understood my trust issues and realized that I wasn't going to willingly open up to her. So she opened up to me in hopes that I'd see I could trust her. A lot of the time, she'd meet me then push me forward. She challenged me every moment of my life..to make better decisions, to think before I decide, to love Jesus more, to listen to Satan less. Kelsey has been an indispensable part of this year for me. So many memories of this year include her in one way or another. Kels may be physically leaving, but she ignited in me a desire to be challenged and that will live on whether or not she is the one kicking my butt. I really hope she knows that. I'm really going to miss her.

I don't know if she'll ever see this. It doesn't matter. 

I don't know what's going to happen when Kelsey leaves St. Louis in two weeks. I'm doing my best not to make any expectations--high or low. 

I want the year to start over, gosh, dang it! I feel like I did it all wrong. 


Ecclesasties 3:1-8, 10
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: 
a time to be born and a time to die.
a time to plant and a time to uproot.
a time to kill and a time to heal.
a time to tear down and a time to build.
a time to weep and a time to laugh.
a time to mourn and a time to dance.
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
a time to search and a time to give up.
a time to keep and a time to throw away.
a time to tear and a time to mend.
a time to be silent and a time to speak.
a time to love and a time to hate.
a time for war and a time for peace.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart. 

All that Green and Blue

Since college began, I've boarded a plane roughly every 5 weeks. More during waterpolo season each spring, less during the fall. You got a question about flying right now? I'm your girl. And I have to watch bein' sassy at TSA. "Ma'am, you'll probably have to take off that bracelet for security." "No, it won't set it off. Promise." "Ma'am, I really think it will set it off. "No really. It won't. Watch." HA--boom. Told ya so, sir.

There are some things I'm really going to miss about flying. Because you see, I do three things on planes:

1. Sleep. This girl can pass out on a plane.

2. Talk.

3. Stare out the window.

I always book a window seat. Literally, always. Which means I have free reign to hog the window. And stare. Which I do.

So when I listened to the Get Down, to Get Up sermon by Louie Giglio a few weeks ago, a grin spread across my face. Sometimes, I'm forehead-against-plexiglass, lost-in-my-thoughts, lost-in-praise. Staring at this gorgeous planet. And it's like no one else on the plane knows that God is talking to me, sharing with me in that sweet moment. Saying "I know right?! I made that. Yup, that too." And I'm quiet. In awe.

As we pass over snow-capped Rockies.

Canyons.

Great Lakes.

Patchwork plains.

All that green and blue.

(from the sermon) "Meanwhile, the flight attendant is goin' up and down the row offering beverages and eight peanuts in a little foil wrapper. The guys behind me are in the telecommunications business. And they are prepping for their business meeting, and talking so loud that you can hear them over huge engines that are flying a plane. You know that guy? That you just wanna go 'Hello, this is not your office, bro. This is like, a community space.' And people are getting up and going to the bathroom... And I got a paper--don't care. An iPad? I could care less. I don't want peanuts or pretzels or a Sprite...I don't need to do anything because I've got about 59 minutes worth of majesty. And I can't stop lookin' at it.

"I just wanted to jump up and grab the microphone and give it a 'Hi, this is Louie. I'm not the flight attendant but I'm up here in uh, 1D and I'm not sure if you've noticed it or not, but there is literal awe and wonder going on on the right side of the airplane... Something out there will move your soul. Thank you very much.'"

I swear. I feel like that every week of my life.

I just got out of the car after a 6 hour drive from Ohio, and let me tell you, most people get bored by corn field after bean field after pasture after farm after cornfield after farm and on and on but I sat there contently with my eyes fixed on creation. It wasn't a beautiful day--gray clouds and rain--but it was beautiful creation. There was no blending in. God did not show His humility in His creation, that's for sure.

But I realized today: I get so struck over our nation's landscape. Made by a Love who crafted the u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e. And it hit me, He doesn't need to show me His universe because this is my portion. Right now, at least. It's like how You don't feed me answers to everything I want to know tonight. It'd be too much for me. This moment? This is enough to capture my awe and words and breath.

Perhaps that also translates into the rest of my life. I am a creation. My life is a creation, I suppose. Day after day I get frustrated that I don't have the timeline of my life before me. I get frustrated that God doesn't talk to me the way He talked to Moses. But now I'm realizing...it'd be too much.

He always knows what to supply me with. He loves us so...

What a strange and lovely dream I have.

I have nostalgia for a time that never was. I’ve heard before that’s really all it is; the creation of an absence. It falls over you with one chord in a song or a single glance at a photo, and suddenly you feel that immense longing for another time, another place where everything was simpler, sweeter, full of possibility. 

I have this longing, but it’s for a kind of alternative universe. You know those old teen spirit movies from the 90s? She’s All That, Drive Me Crazy, Ten Things I Hate About You - I lived for the day I would finally walk into high school and live out those infamous house parties, joy rides, fabulous grunge outfits, and the first love that defies all social boundaries. In reality, I entered high school when TRL was on the fritz, texting was on the rise, and low-rise was the new acid wash. The dreamy jock never fell for the artsy wallflower (possibly because I went to an all-girls school), no charming announcements were made by a witty student MC over the school’s intercom (well, sometimes). 

And so I yearn for what remains an unfulfilled expectation. Barenaked Ladies comes on the radio or a re-run of Dawson’s Creek airs on TV and suddenly my throat throbs in mourning of a yester-year I only ever met in my prepubescent day dreams.

Expectations

Healing

My friend Colleen wrote this poem. Let it tell you what it needs to.

Healing

I fear that I will turn into a shadow

Of the woman you created me to be

That consumption in a world of man's desires

Will blind me so my eyes no longer see

At times I let my earthly thoughts consume me

I turn to vice and let it move my deeds

But still, your hand I know is there to move me

Back to reaping grain from heaven's seeds

My eyes are often glazed by man's display

My ears sometimes exposed to ego's lies

My heart is touched at times by false desires

Masked in costumed truth, fear's great disguise

But then, I feel you moving deep within me

I see your mark again in human eyes

I hear your words ring out against deception

When hope and faith sweep in as heart's allies

Though I fear that I will turn into a shadow

Of the woman you created me to be

I trust that I am resting in your love

And you will heal my heart so I can see

-C. O'Connell-

Baby toys.

It's Holy Week and so I don't have school. 

Yayyyy!!

I have come to my friend Annie's house for these five days.

Yayyy!!

Part of being home with Annie involves seeing all the people that she loves here.

Maggie. Mom. Dad. Buddy. Izzy. Kevin. Ashley. Sarah.

those are the lucky ones who have seem us so far.

more will come.

lots more.

Let's talk about Kevin.

Kevin is the youth minister at a retreat house Annie spent time at in high school.

He has two daughters of his own and a bunch of other unofficially adopted kids like Annie.

So we went to visit Kevin at work yesterday. We sat in his office and talked for I don't even know how long. Kevin is hilarious and intense and thoughtful and loving and ohmygoodness. Talking with Kevin yesterday reminded me of talking with one of my campus ministers (Jude) in high school. It made me miss her a lot. 

Kevin shared stories of different one-acts and prayer services that he has put together for retreats, and let me tell you I was covered in goosebumps. :) Many of the things he shared touched my heart where it is at right now that's a tricky thing to do. But one, in particular, got me hard. Baby toys. 

Here's the gist: all the retreatants came into the chapel and took a seat. They were college kids and so many of them were deep in the college-life cultures--drunkenness, casual sex, mixed up priorities, etc. They were asked to think about their walk with the Lord and how the decisions they were making/the lives they were living fit with that or with what they wanted that to be. Then, one by one, the retreatants walked up to the altar and picked up a baby toy. Attached to each toy was a short blurb of a story about a baby who died, a child who never got the chance to live. 

This got me thinking. Every day there are tons of babies who die--from abortion or even natural causes--but for some reason, when I was born, I lived. I continue to live. What's with that? Why me? What makes me so special? 

yeah, that's me. yeah, i still have that bear i'm holding.

I don't know how to answer those questions, but I do know that it isn't fair for me to live this life as an entitlement. 

Life is a gift. 

End of story.

I have done nothing to deserve life. In fact, I have done many things that deserve just the opposite, yet, I continue to wake up each morning. There's gotta be something to that. There has to be some reason that I was chosen to be one of the babies who didn't die. 

Nonetheless, there are babies who did die. Those babies are people who never got a chance. I was given a chance. The whole point of the exercise was to get the students to see that their actions may not show their appreciation for that gift.

Mine certainly don't. I may not be getting drunk every week or doing that which is 'typical' sin of a college student but I am a mess. I am a hott mess of sin. Believe it or not, I am not perfect. Not even close. I make mistakes. Lots of them. Lots and lots and lots of them. Stupid ones. Ones I know are wrong. Sometimes I make mistakes and don't care. Fail.

I was given a chance. I need to care. 

Even if I don't care for any other reason, I need to care because there are plenty of other babies born on May 20th, 1991 that would have loved to take my spot and live it better than I am. I need to show that I want this spot in life that I've been given. 

I've tried typing a title three times and always misspell it, so this is what you get...

A girl in my small group shared this with us a few weeks ago and it's pretty epic.

Change the world. Change your life. Change someone else's.

“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.” — Karen Ravn

Life's hard.

There's no doubt about that.

Sometimes hard is an understatement.

No matter what, we can't go through it alone.

Last night I checked my facebook after getting home from a weekend tournament and saw a wall post my friend Emily had left. We haven't talked except for a few texts here and there in a week and so she doesn't know the details about where my heart is at the moment, but somehow she knew. She wrote: "We are meant to support one another in this world. Let go of the feeling that you have to do everything alone. Ask someone if they want to join you. I will always be here to join you! Hope you had a great weekend and a great week ahead!" Emily is one of my closest friends. She is one of the people I feel totally comfortable telling my ugliest secrets to. Emily has the arms I run into when I'm sobbing. We met at camp last summer in unusual circumstances but God catapulted us into this beautiful friendship we've been growing in. God must have revealed something to her yesterday because I certainly hadn't said anything to her that let her know I needed to hear that. 

We are meant to support one another in this world. Let go of the feeling that you have to do everything alone. Ask someone if they want to join you. I will always be here to join you! Hope you had a great weekend and a great week ahead!

1. Let go...I've talked about it before, my alone complex...not only that, but my superwoman complex. When you ask me "how's it going?" or something along those lines, my response is "I've got it under control." though it may be unconscious, my response says it all. Somehow I've got it in my head that my life is something I have to do all by myself. False. It's time that I let go of that mentality. Even when I let people in, I keep them at an arm's length. It's time to let it happen. It may be time to just be.

2. Ask someone...It's not going to be plopped in my lap. As much as I'd love for things to just come as I need them, that's not really how life happens. I'm gonna have to ask. The first step in letting people in is letting them know that I want them there. 

                                                               Ask. 

                                                                    Reach out. 

                                                                                     Call. 

                                                                                            Speak. 

together you might figure it out.

two is pretty much always better than one.

two cupcakes or one cupcake?

two, duh!

that's why there are two Resee's peanut butter cups in a package.

It's up to me to make the choice but after that, I'm not alone. We can fight together. Even if I don't know what I'm fighting for.

The question of the day: If I don't know what I'm fighting for, do I know what I'm fighting against? That could help point to what I'm fighting for...my journal and I will talk about it tonight.

The worst part about turning six.

Perfectly in the moment.

Beautiful and carefree.

Less stress.

A few days ago as I was procrastinating on facebook looking at pictures, I noticed a comment of a friends picture. The post read something like "I hope you are happy and life is simple." At first, those words were just words in another facebook comment but in the days since, those words have begun speaking amazing truth to me.

Simplicity.

I hope your life is simple.

Remember when you were a five and the most important thing you had to remember was to listen for Mom to call you in for lunch? I think the sixth birthday is the day simplicity dies. For most people, age six means first grade, first grade means a full day of school, school means homework, homework and a day of school means less time to play, less time to play means less creativity, less freedom, less authenticity, and, ultimately, complications. The sixth birthday leads to less simplicity. 

My childhood bff Alyssa and I loved simply being goofs in a McDonald's play place when we were little. Now you can ask either of us or anyone, really about McDonald's play places and some responses could be: McDonald's is so terrible for you, eww! the play place is probably cleaned, the signs tell me I'm way too big for that. When did that happen??? When did we become so concerned with calories and cleanliness and curbing our sense of adventure?? What happened? Our sixth birthday. Maybe our mom told us we couldn't have another piece of cake because it is unhealthy. Maybe our parents told us not to rip off the wrapping paper and throw it wherever it fell. Maybe our dad told us to finish opening presents before trying out out new rollerskates. Perhaps it was all three or none of these. It doesn't matter. Something happened. We are not born counting calories or even looking at nutrition facts labels. No, we were born hungry. 

I want my life to be simple.

I desperately want my life to be simple.

That doesn't mean no responsibilities or tasks or decisions. Instead, I would aim to remove the 'what ifs' and the over-scheduling and forgetting meals and useless arguments and impulsivity. 

I don't necessarily want to be Amish but doesn't that seem great?!

I hate needing to carry my phone around with me all the time. On Thursday, two of my friends were beginning to freak out because I hadn't responded to their texts and phone calls in two hours. Two hours that I was in class. They were hardcore freaking out. Granted, there was a little more basis to their state of being but not a whole lot more. Technology dependance can go.

The idea of a living within walking distance of everything you need is very appealing to me. When I was in Rome  years ago, my parents and I would see the locals walking to meals and shops and other places just like the tourists. I hate driving...well, I hate other drivers. The only reason I like car trips is that you get to relax and talk. We can ditch everyday personal transportation.

'Live, laugh, love' is the most perfect way to go towards life. Love, not hate, not pride, not jealousy, not insecurity, none of that please. Love. 

Decide what you want.

I want simplicity. 

Complicated is when that chocolate bar that is bigger than your head starts melting.

Keep it simple.

Keep it simple.

I hope your life is simple today.

Free fallin'...part 2

So, here's another reason why I'm not totally stoked with the idea of jumping out in faith...what if I fall and can't get back up?

This just a thought I had laying on a hotel bed at a tournament. Totally legit, I know.

Free fallin'

"I'd risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly."

false.

I'm a two feet on the ground sort of girl. It was one of my goals last summer to make it down the zipline at camp. Did it happen? No. I was not afraid of heights or going fast. No. I was afraid of the fall. Everything is triple  locked at SpringHill so there is no way that I would plummet to the ground, but I would still fall. There has to be a little give in the line or else it would snap. That little bit of give results in a 1.2 second fall before your harness catches you. 1.2 seconds. Even when I promised Bailey I'd go down if she made it to the top of the rock wall, I couldn't. I was too afraid of the fall. I kept my feel securely on the ground. I don't like falling. 

It's that control thing.

If I don't stay in control, I become vulnerable and open to getting hurt. It sucks, but its true. And I'm just tired of being hurt. Just tired. I'm tired of fighting. so much so that I don't really know what I'm fighting for anymore.

love

future

faith

relationships

happiness

"He who risks and fails can be forgiven. He who never risks and never fails is a failure in his whole being."

You are more than the choices that you've made

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes

You are more than the problems you create

What's it going to take for me to let go? Or at least let other people hang on with me? We are a people made for community. I've said it before. We need people. I need people. I know that, but what's it going to take for me to believe that not everyone is trying to hurt me? People are human and therefore, I will be disappointed at times but that's not necessarily the person's intention. 

I don't know what it feels like to fly. The concept is so totally other that I cannot even fathom it, but, from what I've heard from the birds singing and all my campers who made it down the zipline, flying is like nothing else. Plane flights don't count. Am I going to let fear run my life? 

Come on people. 

That's no way to live.

That's not really living, it's just existing.

And everyone knows that a girl who loves rhinestones and coloring books the way I do was meant to do more than just exist in this world. We all know that I'm here to cover the world in glitter.

So how do I get from here to there?

I don't know. 

Perhaps I do everything I don't want to do. 

I'm running back to your promises...one more time

Oh death, where is your sting?

Fresh cut grass...

analogous with...

asthma attacks...

cough, cough, wheeze

analogous with...

hospitals.

Matthew 6:25-34, specifically 34: 

"Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."

I have asthma. The kind of asthma that messes with my life more than any other kind of asthma. My asthma is mean-spirited and angry. I swear.

I have asthma. I have exercise induced asthma. I have allergy induced asthma. (note to readers: I'm allergic to just about everything green.)

"Nature, it's all over me, get it off"

I LOVE this time of year. Sunshine and green grass and blooming flowers and light night rain storms all bring my heart to smile. Not that coy smirk you're thinking of but a big, eyes squinting, teeth showing, almost cheesy type of smile. 

And I HATE this time of year. I don't know what you know about asthma or allergies or allergy induced asthma but I know, from personal experience, that all of the above STINK...hardcore...like spoiled egg being splattered on your favorite shirt. This is the best time of year to run outside, it's not too hot and it is sunny for the majority of the day. But this is also the time of year that the grass gets cut for the first few times of the season and so diffuse unheard of amounts of allergens into the air. These allergens are breathed into my lungs and cause them to shut down. 

I want to try to explain to you how I felt when I woke up this morning to the sound of lawn mowers outside my window and the scent of that fresh cut grass floating past my nose. 

depression.

total unadulterated crestfallenness.

disappointment.

why can't I be normal?

wth?

seriously? seriously! seriously.

where's my inhaler? 

ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

okay, I'm gonna go back to bed now.

well, today is gonna suck.

I kid you not. These are the things that ran through my mind at 7am. If the grass had not been cut this morning, I would have spent all afternoon outside. Kelsey and I would have had discipleship by the Dolphin pond. I would have revised my paper and written the intro to my gospel and read the letter to the bishops with my feet in the waterfall by the clocktower. 

But no.

The grass was cut today.

And if I had had discipleship by the Dolphin pond or revised my paper and written the intro to my gospel and read the letter to the bishops with my feet in the waterfall by the clocktower I could have died. Quite literally.

But guess what. I don't have control over every place I am on a daily basis...well, I guess I kind of do but only kind of. Dr. Miller decided that today would be another wonderful day to have class outside. 

(Poor choice. Do I say something? Do I risk my health? Do I just leave class? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.....this was not in the plan!) This was the fifth time we've had class outside this semester so I suppose I should not have been all that surprised, but I was nonetheless quite perturbed. False. I was FREAKING OUT! Don't get me wrong! I LOVE LOVE LOVE having class outside. In fact, I was the one who pressured Dr. Miller the very first time back in February to take us outside. But I wasn't in danger of not being able to breathe back then. Any other day and it would have been fine. But not today. 

I sat there for 50 minutes focusing on the in and out motion of my chest, listening to what sounds my breath made as it moved past my lips, remaining alert to the pressure in my lungs. I didn't learn anything in that class. I tried my best to look like I was paying attention but I really wasn't. I was simply focused on getting through those 50 minutes so I could run back inside and wash all the nature off of me so I could breathe like a normal person for the rest of the day. I did not want to have the special bonding experience of having my professor call an ambulance for me. Not okay. I've already had my boss and a campus minister and my discipler call 911, and I wasn't about to let Dr. Miller join that list of awkwardness.

Clearly I am still alive. My inhaler and I were good friends during those 50 minutes and for the rest of the day as my lungs recovered from the assault during class.

i'm just sayin' that sometimes the grass being greener on the other side isn't necessarily a good thing.