The Heart-Wrenching Headache of the Day, yes, of the day

Four years ago, four summers ago actually, I nearly killed myself at a Christian summer camp. During orientation we were told of a magnificent acronym to shout at a staff member who looked like they were losing steam or passion or focus: FTK, for the kids. Everything we were to do that summer was 'for the kids.' If we took a nap during our break, the shut-eye was so we could feel refreshed and more capable of spreading joy for the kids. If we took a kid aside to reprimand [compassionately], the point was not an ego boost but rather to create a more positive experience for the kids. I came really close to killing myself for the kids. There is such a thing as loving too much, I learned.

11 asthma attacks, 7 that ended up with ambulance rides to the hospital. Apparently, I'm allergic to smoke and everything green and my asthma roars with exercise and allergies--so dancing around a campfire three times a week wasn't exactly what the doctor had in mind as life-sustaining-activity. Oops.

Despite my health issues, camp kept letting me come back because I was good at my job. In fact, I was pretty darn great...and each time I needed coaching to not cry while being wheeled into the ambulance, it was because I would be missing time with my kids. I kept coming back for the kids, that's what I thought. There's the heart-wrenching stuff.

Who are you? And why are you here?
And there's the headache.

That's how we began the first night's campfire each week. For my middle schoolers, the answers were typically: I'm (insert name here) and I'm at camp because I like (insert favorite activity here). For the counselors, however, answers were dug from a deeper place of intention. Perhaps something like : I'm  confused but overjoyed and I'm here to share both struggles with you and let you share your struggles with me this week so we can grow with one another. The answer was always another way of saying FTK.

Looking back now, I was being asked the ultimate questions each week. Yes, it was a getting to know you exercise but it also served as a moment of reflection that we never really took.

Who are you? And why are you here? What is your purpose? What is your goal? What drives you? What defines you? The questions swim around in my head most days. I ask myself these questions when I'm making decisions and when I'm not feeling confident and hope some clarity drops on me. There are some things I do that need definite answers to these questions and if my answers don't line up, I need to check-in with what I'm seeing in this world, in myself big time.

I'm starting a new school year soon, and with that, a new internship and a new swim season...each requires me to answer these questions daily and get some perspective. To do things to the best of my ability, I need to clean off my perspectacles and focus.

1.4

There were 43 teenagers entrusted to my general care and 12 that were specifically mine last week at SpringHill. I worked all last summer with middle schoolers so this was definitely different.

We always tell campers that we don't want camp to be a 1-week thing. We don't want to be known for creating a SpringHill high that eventually wears off.

No.

We want much more.

We want +1 experiences.

We motivate change.

As I was driving back to St. Louis last Sunday afternoon, I was talking on the phone with a friend and she asked how I was planning to use what I learned at camp. (What a strange question. Was I supposed to have learned something??? Uhhhh...) I told her I was still processing the week (and that was true, don't worry) so I wasn't exactly sure yet. 

I learned about community.

I know I've posted about this a few times but I say it once again, I learned that I need people. I'm a slow learner when it comes to these things, so God has to be super patient.

There was no one experience from the week that brought about this thought but rather the experience of the week. 

I came up to SpringHill without telling my friend Hayley who was working there this summer and feeling a really homesick (something I learned of after I agreed to come up, so the homesickness had nothing to do with my decision if you were wondering) and without telling Susie, a really good friend I worked with last summer who had returned for another summer of SpringHill Lovin'. I wanted to surprise them. I knew they'd have no idea and be caught totally off guard. 

I had campers who appreciated me for me and relaly respected me. I went to bed early on my night off and left a note taped to the cabin door that read "Dear Temple Dwellers: I'm sleeping. I love you but please be quiet. Love, Emily" Not only were these 12 teenage girls almost silent, they didn't even turn the lights on!

My small group wanted to know what I thought and how I came to think that and how they could share in the faith. My small group got really vulnerable early in the week and bonded in a way I hadn't expected. 

These were all experiences I had with people. Without others, none of these things could've happened. 

I'm learning I don't need to rely so much on being self-sufficient. It's okay to need help. It's okay to not be 114% totally on top of things all the time. 

God gave us people.

the girls of "The Temple" (I couldn't pronounce the name of our cabin, so we renamed it. It makes sense to us, I promise)

Who are you and why are you here?

That was the question.

1.4

Night one.

Campfire.

TST Community.

July 10, 2011.

WHO ARE YOU?

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

It's been awhile since I was at SpringHill but I've fallen into the step of things pretty quickly. I'll write all about the week next week when I get home (I'm with my kids 22 hours a day and don't feel that blogging is the best use of my break).

We had a great campfire that night and we have another one tonight. I'll be telling my testimony tonight...yeah...that's always a bit stressful but really freeing in the end. The first night about half my cabin shared at campfire--answering those questions: who are you? and why are you here? One girl spoke about being lost and not knowing why she was here at SpringHill or even in the world because she feels so lost. And another shared about being disappointed and frustrated and lonely. THE FIRST NIGHT! What a blessing. PTL. 

I had a really great talk with the girls in my small group this afternoon. They told me they'd like me to start asking more personal questions so they can work through some hard stuff together. So cool, right?!! 

Earlier today I was talking with my friend Susie about how I was getting discouraged and frustrated because I didn't feel that my presence was important at all but I know that's not true--it's just something Satan wants me to believe so I don't thrown my heart into this week. 

P.S. KELSEY'S HOME!!!!!!!! I haven't been able to talk to her yet and probably won't for awhile since she'll be processing her project experience but I'm so happy to know she's home. 

SMILE!

AMDG

Remembering my SHX

June-August 2010. Best Summer Ever. My SpringHill Experience. So hard but so good.

Call it whatever you want, but know that there is absolutely no way those 10 weeks can be understood that easily. What happened to me at SpringHill happens to a lot of people, but that doesn't make it any less special or any less important. I saw what love and acceptance looked like. I learned what it takes to develop friendships and I learned that sometimes God catapults two people into friendship without all that development. I was taught humility in the most practical ways possible. I could write a novel, an entire book-series, on my SHX and would still feel as though I was leaving things out. Every moment of those 10 weeks was supernaturally infused with meaning and purpose in such a way that I have never experienced before (and may never experience again).

I will swear to you that I had the best campers who came to SpringHill all summer. From the open vulnerability of all my girls on testimony night week 1.1 to a midnight one-on-one week 1.3 to Faith holding my hand all the time and Ellen asking me to pray with her right when I got back from the hospital week 1.4 to watching brokenness be washed away week 1.5 to reading Gigi the book of Phillippians because the bible was her favorite book and Phillippians was her favorite story week 1.6 to understanding a BWE of life during 1.7 and having a really deep one-on-one with Emily as we were tubing 1.8 and even being asked why I was so upset the day I had to leave.

My girls were the best.

There was never a time when I had to put on my law-enforcer pants during shower time or tell them twice that we can't walk back from the lake in towels. In the one week that each girl was at camp, there was a noticeable change.

I remember my one-on-one with Liv (Wednesday 1.7) and how her desire to know God totally flipped around and had exploded by the end of the week. On Wednesday she didn't have time and didn't want to make time for a relationship with God, it just wasn't that important, but by the weekend, she was telling her parents (who told their family friends whose daughter was one of my closest friends on staff) that it was the best week of her life and how it totally changed the way she viewed faith.  Liv had immersed herself in the SpringHill experience and let God renew her heart.

I remember getting back to camp from yet another trip to the hospital after yet another asthma attack and walking into the cabin right after the lights had been turned out. Annika siat up and said "You're like a chicken McNugget! We just prayed for you to come home and here you are! You're like fast food!" And as I made my way to my bed, Ellen whispered something to me asking me if we could talk. We sat on the bathroom floor and talked and prayed in the dark as the rest of the cabin was falling asleep. There are so many terribly precious moments with my girls.

Here's why my girls are really the best: they didn't peace out. Today is Faith's birthday and we're going to talk tonight. Ellen sent me a care package and two letters at school. Oh, and Ell and I have skyped and facebook chatted often. Jenni made me a bracelet and wrote me a letter. Stephanie and I did a Philippians bible study and went to mass together when I was home for fall break. Anna Grace and I went shopping and skype to procrastinate. This morning, Cheyenne emailed me about some of her recent struggles asking for help. Greer and Julie always ask me to come over when I am home. I was able to go see Liv play in a volleyball tournament over Christmas break. Paige texted me all the time the week her grandfather was being moved into a nursing home. I've been assaulted by hugs when I show up to Emily and Anna's school masses. I'm telling you, these girls are precious, they came into my life at camp and a lot of them have chosen to stay. I suppose they think I give good advice and am just fun to talk to.

I think my favorite thing about my SHX comes from a camper that wasn't even mine. Her name is Anna Grace and she wasn't even in New Fro (middle school camp center). She was working in the New Fro dining hall with the other TST (high school camp center) kids and happens to be a student at the rival high school of mine. One day as lunch was ending and I was putting my dishes away, she told me to stick my hand in the extra pudding before they threw it away. That's where it all started. I put my hand in the pudding, took it out, and chased her around trying to rub it on her face. For the next week, we smeared some kind of food on each other's faces every time we saw each other (at meals). We never really had a legit heart-to-heart but there was something there because one morning, she came running towards me as I opened to door. She stopped and took my hands and told me she had committed her life to Christ the night before. I didn't really know this girl at all but somehow I had made an impression on her. God had done something great in her heart, and, for some reason, she felt like I was an important person to tell about this. Anna Grace and I have become good friends by skyping and texting often since she left camp. The day before she left, she asked for my phone number and i wrote it on her arm but as it began washing off, she memorized it. By the time she got home and got her phone back, she had committed my number to memory. I was not her counselor. I was not even working in her camp center, but I was what she took from camp.

A SpringHill Experience is like nothing else in the world. Every person's is unique and special.

Kizoa slideshow: my SHX - Slideshow

Give it all.

"Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness." ~Blessed Mother Teresa

This past summer I learned that I'm a doer. It was week 1.1 and Laura and I were on our fun-on-one getting hot cocoa in town (it was raining and cold) and we were talking about all sorts of things but as we pulled back into camp the topic of Surrender came up. It's something Laura had struggled with, she said, because it is most often presented as something done through prayer. Laura is a doer. She wanted to have some sort of checklist to qualify the quality of her Surrender.

In the past months, I have seen how much words don't mean to me. Not by themselves. Words by themselves are nothing more than a few letters stacked together that have a dictionary meaning but are not necessarily infused with truth. It is when words get attached to actions that they may actually mean something.

For example, the word 'love' really is just four letters in a row until it is connected. There's this song called 'There is a Way" by NewWorldSon that my friend Kelsey's mom sent me a few months ago. Listen to it and you'll understand a little about how I feel about love.

My point is, without action words are just words. That includes prayer of Surrender. In the bible, Jesus asks us to give away everything we have and follow Him. Often times we read those passages and say they have a different meaning in today's context. We say that Jesus didn't actually mean give up everything but instead He was pointing to the necessity of sacrifice. That seems like a cop out. If we aren't willing to give up everything, we are retaining control of our lives and, therefore, we are not Surrendered.

No one ever said it would be easy. No one ever said it wouldn't hurt.

It's hard and it hurts. But that's why it's so worth it. I can't say that from personal experience because I have a huge issue with control but I do believe that giving one's self totally to Christ and letting Him take everything seems much better than taking it ourselves.

A friend showed me a youtube video this afternoon after small group and there was a line in it that really struck me. The video was of a skit of a girl talking to God as He gets approval to chisel away all the things on her that are not of Him. Anyway. She said "...but I've let you down..." and His response was something like, "No, you have never let me down. That's not even possible. I've always been holding you up. I hold you on my shoulders and always have--you don't hold me."

Keep me humble, Keep me holy.

The mantra"keep me humble, keep me holy" was pounded into a leather bracelet for a friend of mine at camp this summer. When we met each Tuesday in our growth groups, she constantly reminded me what that really meant.

In the most difficult of circumstances, she handed over the struggle to her Maker. When she had nothing left to give, she fell at the foot of the cross and asked Him to revive her. With every success, she gave Him praise. With every failure, she gave Him thanks. All for Jesus. All for Jesus.

So often it is easier for me to fall into bitterness and indifference than to allow myself to be humbled to be made holy. I had a meeting with someone in administration half an hour ago and did not at all live up to my call to holiness or humility. I walked into the office with my head held high and a list of things I needed to say tucked in my pocket. This meeting, I had previously decided, was something I needed to "win." Little did I know, that it wasn't a fight at all. There would be no winner or loser, unless I formed those ideas in my head. Everything I was thinking and feeling fell into these three categories: 1. what felt good, 2. what was easiest, and 3. whatever concerned me. It was all about me. It was all about Emily. I had prepared in my mind what points I needed to make and knew I must remain calm during the conversation--because of that, I had unintentionally blocked myself from receiving the grace I would need.

But despite my sinfulness, God's goodness remains. I may have walked into that meeting stubborn and self-centered but a certain peace came into my heart and I shook the other person's hand and sat down. With that peace came an understanding that a hard heart wasn't going to get me anywhere. The meeting was smooth and virtually painless because I was sitting there being humbled.

Holiness takes humility. We pretty much all desire to get to heaven, I'm sure and the only way to heaven is through holiness. Thus, heaven takes humility too.

keep me humble, keep me holy...write it on a notecard and put it in your pocket or in your purse or write it on your planner or get it tattooed on your arm. whatever you do, never forget it.

Sing to me.

I can finally see


That you're right there beside me.


I am not my own,


For I have been made new.


Please don't let me go,


I desperately need you.



I am not my own


For I have been made new.


Please don't let me go,


I desperately need you.

This summer, Owl City's Meteor Shower (lyrics above) was played each week during our Tuesday night sin drama. (I'm not entirely sure if you will be able to use this like to watch a video of the show, but it is worth a try.) As I watched my fellow staff members act out breaking free from the chains of sin by surrendering them to Christ, I was reminded of how much these words describe my life. I desperately need Christ. I am nothing without Him. Week after week, the words of this song hit me hard--like a cannon ball exploding on the ground. Week after week, the lights in the auditorium would turn back on and my campers would see me in tears. Even now, I get chills whenever I hear those words and find myself in a contemplative state as I read them. 

This song beautifully outlines a Christian approach to everyday life. Coming to daily surrender when we realize we can trust Him. I am disgustingly aware of my issue with control. Daily, I struggle to hand over control of my life. Taking that step to pray "Sacred heart of Jesus, I place my trust in you. Take control today and keep it because I know I will try to take it back" can sometimes take all day, sometimes longer. 

Why are you striving these days?

Why are you trying to earn grace"

Why are you crying?

Let me lift up your face.

Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?

To where will you go, child?

Tell me, where will you run.

To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side,

Wherever you fall,

In the dead of night,

Whenever you call.

and please don't fight

these hands that are holding you.

My hands are holding you.

Look at these hands and my side.

They swallowed the grave on that night 

when I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life.

I want to give you life.

Cause I, I love you.

I want you to know

That I, I love you.

I'll never let you go.

By Your Side (Tenth Avenue North) is the song of my week. My ipod sang this song to me as I finished my run last Sunday and this morning, it was the first song I heard on the radio at work. Listen to the words. It asks you to be still and be loved. This is not a call to passivity but, rather, a call to surrender to redemption. Jesus wants so desperately to love you. He is love. He is perfect love. Stop searching and just be silent. 

If you've been keeping up with my posts, I bet you can guess which line shines brightest for me. No. you're wrong! Right now, the entire song speaks to my heart. I've recently found myself walking away instead of running toward Christ because I am scared. It is the disconnect of my head and my heart what keeps me from trusting the hands that hold me, trusting that they'll never let me go. God is not plagued by human imperfection. Therefore, God does not fall short and disappoint--He is worthy of my trust.