For the love of Mother Nature

really random sidenote: my gmail password, the account I use to get on here, has been the same since I was a junior in high school. I think it's time to change it.

today is January 30th, 2012.

this is what pops up when you google 'January'

today it was 67 degrees.

Because it was predicted to be 61 degrees, I had planned to sport a classy pair of Nike running shorts (I live in Nike nation, if you do recall) and some other spectacular (and just as vividly bright) clothing today. And I did. And I LOVED (to be said in a sing-songy type voice). 

Sweet baby Jesus, 

I'm the poster child for Seasonal Affective Disorder.

well, I should be.

Why do you think I wear neon colors on a regular basis?

Because these types of things that brighten my wardrobe also brighten my mood.

Because it was so beautiful outside, I decided not to waste a minute of it. 

I was up early(ish) to watch the sun rise from my apartment (it was still chilly outside at that time). 

Immediately after my single class of the day, I dropped my things off at the Rec and pounded the pavement. 

I had an appointment at 10:45 so I had to go inside for about an hour and a half but after that, I biked my behind down to Forest Park where I did the 8-mile loop and meandered myself to Art Hill for some relaxing and homeworking by the fountain pool. 

 EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.

I've been really really "up in my head" recently and even after skyping with two of my best friends last night, I was still in a funk. I guess, it just took a little bit of sunshine and a whole lot of wind in my hair to get me back to where I'm okay. The glare on the water did not erase the shitty things that happened and the way they make me feel last week and I received no invitation to "just move on" but, for a moment, I was content. Actually it was about 2 hours--until the wind picked up and I got chilly (it happens easily due to my body's inability to maintain its temperature).

So, to all of you who do not love in St. Louis or who were unable to take part in this glorious gift from Mother Nature, I am sorry, but I do offer you hope that sunshine does exist and it can be warm again and the combination of both does have the ability to drive your winter blues back to Antarctica. 

Just be, my friends, and know that SPRING IS COMING!!!!!!!!!! okay, it may not be such a good idea to get so excited just yet...it is still January, you know. 

less than 3

In < 3 my heart ripped in two last night.

In < 3 any belief that you loved me disappeared.

In < 3 our relationship changed forever.

In < 3 you said you don't believe me.

And in < 3 you denied me as your daughter.

I'm pretty good with words. I know what they mean...even when you say them in ways you don't mean. I know what they mean beyond the definition. Words carry so much meaning and so much power. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" was hopelessly naieve.

Last night, with just a few words--"no" and "I have serious doubts"--trust was broken, love negated, and relationship distanced. Even if time changes those words to "yes," it's too late. The "no" and "I have serious doubts" were already said and meant and said so quickly and easily.

Saying it hurts is not enough. Wanting to cry cannot suffice.
I knew the words were a possibility but I was caught off guard. I never fathomed them being spoken.


Saying it hurts is not enough. Wanting to cry cannot suffice.

Belly of the Whale

Welcome, my friends, to my brain when I'm not really thinking.

That's been the story of the day today--no overthinking, just lots of doing and talking. Doing and Talking without thinking can be messy but it's also vulnerable and real and unedited.

Inside of me there and thoughts. And a lot of fears.
     thoughts about my fears and even some fears about my thoughts.
...to fear your thoughts sounds a little strange, in my opinion, but as I sat in silence last night, I understood that that's a lot of where I'm at right now...I fear my thoughts and I fear my emotions. When I let myself think and feel freely, without reservation, the reality expressed is not controlled. In our society "to lose control" has awful connotations--carelessness, mania, powerlessness, etc. Though these may characterize some situations in which a person has lost control, they do not encompass the whole.

Still, the fear instilled by the negativity is what remains in the forefront of my mind and so I keep control.

I am afraid of what a loss of control would actually look like.
I am afraid no one would know what to do in that situation. And so I'm afraid I'd end up alone in my uncontrolled mess. Somehow that seems worse than choosing to be alone in the contained, neat and tidy version of the mess.

That choice is subconscious.

If someone were to literally ask me, I would choose companionship in my mess--because I know I have people in my life who would not be scared of my mess, maybe a little hesitant at first, but not in such a way that keeps them from helping me through it however they can.

Dumb.

Dumb.

Dumb.

I may have an IQ about 50 points higher than that of the average human being 

but my brain is still dumb.

Example.

It has been almost a year and there's this one person I still struggle to trust. She hasn't really given me any reason not to trust her and, from wha tI can see, she's done everything she knows how to get me to feel confortable to trust her. Still, my brain is being stupid and is afraid of judgement and rejection and of not being good enough or of being too much.

That's what's inside of me.

New Semester. Old Issues.

I HATE CHANGE.

really.

really really.

I really hate change.

But the ruler of the universe doesn't seem to care.

what's up with that?!!

The change of classes and professors isn't the issue here. It's friends leaving. shocker, I know. it's not like we haven't gone through this before. 

Try this dialectic on for size: Sure, I have abandonment issues, but I know this isn't about me.Yeah, I'm gonna miss 'em, but I know this is what's good for them.

Still, I liked things how they were. I liked it when we were all here.

I have this group of best friends. There are five of us and though we are rarely all together, we are always with one another. We've memorized each other's work and class schedules and schedule in "best friend time" on our google calendars. And when we aren't physically together, we are still textually connected (and emotionally, of course). In fact, Annie figured that for each hour she and I spend apart, we have a minute of phone conversation--this hypothesis was proven over the two weeks we were with our families during this past Christmas. We weren't always best friends--none of this 'we grew up on the same block and have been friends since kindergarten' business. It was gradual and, for the most part, natural. I could tell you stories about the precise prompting event that led me into friendship with each girl. Annie--crossroads class. Claire--texting pranks. Amanda--well, actually, I don't remember, Erin--living next to (and then with) each other.

Erin is in Ecuador. Awesome, right? She and I have bonded over our love of the Spanish language and, more specifically, the Latin American people and culture. We had hoped to travel to Nicaragua for a two-month immersion trip this summer (the scholarship got cancelled so that's not happening, don't worry, you haven't missed anything that big).  Some "plans" didn't work the way we expected and that resulted in Erin's decision to study abroad this semester.

Studying abroad is awesome. And I'm fully for it. But I don't like that it's taking one of my best friends to the southern hemisphere for and extended period of time. Fact is, I miss Erin. And she's only been there since Saturday. 




Person leaving #2: Fr. James Vioss, SJ
Much of my reason for being so absent from the blogoshpere this past semester has to do with this very fine man and his very fine class entitled 'Sources and Methods of Theology.' That's a fancy way of saying 'read this 400 page book written for Ph.D. students on the doctrine of the Trinity, understand it, and come up with a way to make it integral to your final project, which we will start during the second week of class.' And if you don't understand that description, it has also been called 'hell.' The class is a research seminar required of all junior theology majors and it is well-known for being the most difficult class in the major coursework.

Fr.Voiss keeps the class small (we had 6 students in the class) so he can offer each of us personal attention. He requires us to meet with him two or three times outside of class...I probably went to see him ten times. You sat and talked about life for 5 minutes then about class for 3 then about your paper for 5 then more about life and spent quite a bit of time staring at each other, trying to read the other's facial expressions. I cannot even tell you how many times he'd be smirking and I'd ask 'what's that face for?'

This was the first class I've had during my collegiate career that has actually challenged me.I've had classes that required a lot of work and some that took a bit of reflection but nothing like this. Fr. Voiss quickly tuned into the range of my abilities and was not about to let any of it go unused. There was one Friday in October when I cried in all of my classes because I was so stressed about an assignment due for Fr. Voiss that evening. There was a time I shed tears in our own class when he gave us a revised syllabus outlining all the work for the rest of the semester. It seemed like one class period I would be so angry and frustrated with Fr. Voiss that I was about to explode and cause a scene and the next I would tell him he was a great man and I loved him. Confused? I was.

We turned in our final projects on December 12 and on the 22nd, he emailed us telling us his provincial had requested his transfer to a province in the Northwest. Once again, I cried.

It was a rough class but I learned so much and I am a better student and theologian for having taken it. NO ONE can teach that course the way Fr. Voiss did. I am so incredibly grateful for having taken the course this semester and for being pushed and pulled the entire way.

I wish I had realized sooner how great I had it. I want to make an effort to be more present to the good, more grateful for the challenge, and less stressed about the inevitable.


People are indispensable. 
Experiences only occur once.