Synthesis: shalom

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.  Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." -Ayn Rand  

I'm in a class on the Old Testament Psalms this semester, and in this class, we talk about Hebrew words more than we talk about English it seems. On the first day of class some 6 weeks ago, Dr. Asen spoke about "shalom." It's a word we've all likely heard before and most of us translate it to mean "peace"...but, as Dr. Asen described, it means far more than peace.


Hebrew words go beyond their spoken pronunciation. Each Hebrew word conveys feeling, intent and emotion. Shalom is more then just simply peace; it is a complete peace. It is a feeling of contentment, completeness, wholeness, well being, and harmony.


"The best way I've heard 'shalom' explained to me," Dr. Asen shared, "came from a Jewish Rabbi who explained it as meaning 'I hope all the pieces of your life fit together'."

I hope all the pieces of your life fit together.

I've been working to fit the pieces of my life together recently--the past memories with the present situation with the hope of the future. It's complicated but important. 

I feel like it may be one of those unattainable ideals that we continue striving for despite knowing we will never actually get there. That sucks. The 'unattainable ideal' has been a common theme in my life recently--things I want but know can never be reality. In another one of my classes [spiritual exercises], we are contemplating this issue and learning how to live with these sorts of things. We are becoming intentional about observing the difference between the things we can control and those we can't. 

I may not necessarily be able to fit the pieces of my life together all myself but I can be open to the changes necessary for this to happen--letting people know which pieces don't fit, letting people love me, loving myself, acknowledging that it's okay that all the pieces do not fit together right now, and so on. It's a mindful contemplation focused on believing that the ideal I cherish is something I can work towards.

Friends, shalom, I hope the pieces of your life fit together. I hope, someday, you will look upon the entirety of your life and smile--not out of happiness for the pain, not denying the suffering, but seeing the completeness of the puzzle with all the pieces fit together.

Hopeful conflict

There's this "letter to my younger self" someone wrote and it really speaks to my heart right now. I feel like the "younger self"in some ways though I have the intellectual capacity of the "older self"--seems I'm caught awkwardly in between the two. I am hopefully conflicted. 

Earlier this week I gave a talk about conflict to an on-campus group and saw (and was told) that many hearts were moved and my words came at a right time. I spoke with the intention of reframing conflict as a good thing. We are so scared of a friend "getting mad" that we often don't verbalize the things that are bothering us. We are skeptical but do not want to engage the two sides because "well, what if they don't ever become compatible?"

I'm struggling with both.
        Struggle, too, is a good thing.
It means I'm not okay with things the way they are.
It means I have not grown complacent.
It means I'm fighting.
          Struggle is a good thing.
          Conflict is a good thing.

I am HOPEFULLY conflicted.

not the hopelessly conflicted state many find themselves in.

In my struggle, I hope things can change.

And I struggle to really want them to change. 

I'm that little girl who doesn't believe she is beautiful...or loveable...or likeable, but my heart would be broken if someone told me the same about them. I know these things are true about me but I do not believe them--I know it but I do not feel it or see it.

But I have hope that someday I will.

Special offer:

Don't get too excited.
The "special offer" is nothing more than what I give you whenever I write here--a quick peek inside my brain (and often my heart as well).

2 thoughts today. 

Both without my words.

"It's just that the suffering has to be visible and not called inevitable or blamed on the victim before we can stop it." check this to see what the heck brought about these words


"We can never answer your fear with proof." read The Red Tent to know the rest of the story


These are nuggets I've been chewing on this morning as I drink my coffee and count the red cars that pass on the freeway outside my apartment window. 


Go live your life. Stop reading this. 

Parts of parts

So we all know that there are lots of parts that make up a person. Duh. 

Did you know, however, that these parts of ourselves are made up of parts themselves?

I guess it's easy to believe, 

but have you ever really thought about it?

Humans are complicated.

The word 'RAGE' makes me uncomfortable.

(good transition there, I know, you needn't applaud. I swear it fits together.)

I know I'm angry. I'm angry almost all the time, but I suppose I didn't know how angry. The angry part of me has its own angry part. Does that make any sense? I am angry with the angry part of me. I do not like or want the angry part of me. The angry part of me has been banished, exiled, kicked out, shoved away, hidden, left alone, not acknowledged...until today. For a moment. a very, very brief moment, I acknowledged it. I saw that I'm not full of anger but full of RAGE. It was a brief moment because the thought makes me uncomfortable. 

This type of anger banished for so long becomes rage. 

Currently, I can feel the pulsating of my heart through my fingertips. 

The word 'rage' makes me uncomfortable because it seems non-constructive. 

              so what if I'm angry? 

              even if it's totally justified, what do I do with anger?

              and when it becomes rage, what does expressing it do for me besides free me from the responsibility to hide it? 

But anger is useful and it does have a purpose--I'm just not sure what that is and I am not confident that I an equipped to handle the depth of my anger safely. It makes me uneasy. 

Text from last night...

Obsession.

Join the club.

Confession time:

I'm Emily and I've always wanted to be a Disney Princess.

I'm Emily and I've always been trying to be someone other than myself.

I'm Emily and I've always been concerned about what others wanted from me.

          I'm Emily and I'm just Emily.

          I can't be a Disney Princess. 

          I can only be me.

          I can only control pleasing myself.

I love water--lakes but not oceans.

I love walking on sand but hate the feeling of dry sand on my feet (or anywhere else).

I'm really good with words but I find it hard to talk about my problems.

So what if I'm a little quirky...you are too.

You do you and I'll do me. 

Shit happens.

Yeah, I said it. 

and I swore on the interwebbs.

And when shit hits the fan, you've gotta cover your own head and run your little legs to safety. Sometimes you just have to do what's best for you and not be overly concerned about what that means for everyone else. It's not selfishness. It's not arrogance. It's survival and self-care and identity.

Shit has hit the fan.

It's not that we're in a fight 

but this is bigger than a disagreement or just an "issue."

Because it matters.

to me.

I cannot engage my parents in relationship right now. I just can't. It hurts too much and I'm too keenly aware of their ability to hurt me even more. For now, I don't need to. In fact, I think it would be silly and even unhealthy to try--certainly inauthentic. 

I've gotta figure out where I stand and to feel precisely how I feel--and know that it's totally legitimate. Trying to "fix" this--the big "this" isn't going to work right now. I'll do me.

No matter how much I feel compelled to take care of the entire mess, we all know that would be ineffective and unhealthy. Eventually, maybe I will have cleaned up the mess by doing it piece by piece, but first I need to take care of me. I need to be me. I need to simply do me. I need to stop worrying about what other people want me to do and if I'm disappointing them. And so do you.

You do you and I'll do me.

I'm sick and tired of doing things to satisfy people when those things do not simultaneously fulfill me. 

“The one who sets about making others better 

is wasting his time, unless he begins with himself.” 

– Ignatius of Loyola