Gosh, dang it!

So, apparently, over time, things happen. Seems, simple, right? Wrong. Things happen. Whether we like it or not, things happen over time.

9 months after you get pregnant, 

you'll probably be giving birth.

8 years after you start kindergarden, 

you'll probably graduate 8th grade.

7 days after you go to church, 

you'll probably be going back.

6 months after you complain about the winter cold, 

you'll probably complain about the summer heat.

you get the point.

Time happens.

Things happen.

I don't like it.

Good things happen and bad things happen, yes, but when I say I don't like things happening, I'm not talking about the good v. bad. Rather, I strongly dislike when good things come to an end.

It has come to my attention in approximately the last 48 hours that a certain good things will be coming to an end in approximately 2 weeks. So, apparently, time doesn't care that I don't like it. 

Kelsey came to St. Louis in August  as an intern with Campus Crusade--a huge step of faith. She had just graduated from High Point University (NC) with a degree in interior design--not exactly something that feeds into ministry. Through God's intervention and my submission, I got involved with a Campus Crusade bible study on campus that she was co-leading with a student here. A few days after the first meeting I attended (and left early), I got an email from Kelsey saying: My name is Kelsey and I co-lead the small group at SLU with Tim. He gave me your contact information to contact you and see if you were possibly interested in meeting up with me sometime? I will be there on Tuesdays, and would love to just be able to sit down and get to know you better, talk about the Lord, and get into the word. If you are interested I would love to hear from you! I thought about it, I prayed about it. Long story short, I emailed her back 30 minutes later and that's when it all started.

We met the following Tuesday and shared our stories--the parts we felt comfortable enough to get vulnerable with--and we continued to share our stories, our faith, our struggles, and essentially our lives every Tuesday. We would go out for coffee and sit there for three hours and not think a thing of it. 

Ever since the beginning of our relationship I've struggled with thinking two things: 1. its Kelsey's job to hang out and like me and 2. what's the point, she's only going to be here a year. she'll touch my heart then leave just like everyone else.

Those two things have come up over and over but the relationship remains. If #1 was really true, I don't really think tears would have been shed when she found out painful things about my life or phone calls would be made over Christmas break. If I really believed #2, I wouldn't have stuck around with her. Simple as that...not really...those things have plagued me all year. Whatever.

Fact of the matter is, Kelsey is leaving in two weeks. 

Her year with Cru is up.

I may never see her again.

Wanna guess how my heart feels???? I was journaling about it this morning and even still, my heart is apprehensive. Not broken, not abandoned. I knew this was coming. I remember being on retreat in October and telling Kelsey through tears, that I wasn't going to let myself get close to her because she was just going to leave me like everyone else. She promised that she was going to be here for the year and it would be silly for me not to give her that year. 

I gave her the year...kind of. If you know me, you know I'm terribly difficult and stubborn and afraid of vulnerability. Translate that into discipleship and you get me avoiding certain subjects or saying I'm fine when I'm really not--you get secrets. Well, Kelsey broke through barriers I had set up. She didn't ask to know the secrets but found out on her own accord. And some of those secrets broke her heart...that's why they were secrets in the first place. 

Like I said, Kelsey broke down walls that very very few people break. She loved me in a way that I have never experienced before. She held my face and prayed for me as I was having an asthma attach and waiting for the ambulance in September and then sat in the ER waiting room for hours. She interrupted her staff meeting and talked to her staff team and even to her mom in hopes of finding me resources in December. Kels was never content with meeting me where I was at and chilling there. Very soon after meeting me, Kelsey understood my trust issues and realized that I wasn't going to willingly open up to her. So she opened up to me in hopes that I'd see I could trust her. A lot of the time, she'd meet me then push me forward. She challenged me every moment of my life..to make better decisions, to think before I decide, to love Jesus more, to listen to Satan less. Kelsey has been an indispensable part of this year for me. So many memories of this year include her in one way or another. Kels may be physically leaving, but she ignited in me a desire to be challenged and that will live on whether or not she is the one kicking my butt. I really hope she knows that. I'm really going to miss her.

I don't know if she'll ever see this. It doesn't matter. 

I don't know what's going to happen when Kelsey leaves St. Louis in two weeks. I'm doing my best not to make any expectations--high or low. 

I want the year to start over, gosh, dang it! I feel like I did it all wrong. 


Ecclesasties 3:1-8, 10
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: 
a time to be born and a time to die.
a time to plant and a time to uproot.
a time to kill and a time to heal.
a time to tear down and a time to build.
a time to weep and a time to laugh.
a time to mourn and a time to dance.
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
a time to search and a time to give up.
a time to keep and a time to throw away.
a time to tear and a time to mend.
a time to be silent and a time to speak.
a time to love and a time to hate.
a time for war and a time for peace.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart.