Free fallin'

"I'd risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly."

false.

I'm a two feet on the ground sort of girl. It was one of my goals last summer to make it down the zipline at camp. Did it happen? No. I was not afraid of heights or going fast. No. I was afraid of the fall. Everything is triple  locked at SpringHill so there is no way that I would plummet to the ground, but I would still fall. There has to be a little give in the line or else it would snap. That little bit of give results in a 1.2 second fall before your harness catches you. 1.2 seconds. Even when I promised Bailey I'd go down if she made it to the top of the rock wall, I couldn't. I was too afraid of the fall. I kept my feel securely on the ground. I don't like falling. 

It's that control thing.

If I don't stay in control, I become vulnerable and open to getting hurt. It sucks, but its true. And I'm just tired of being hurt. Just tired. I'm tired of fighting. so much so that I don't really know what I'm fighting for anymore.

love

future

faith

relationships

happiness

"He who risks and fails can be forgiven. He who never risks and never fails is a failure in his whole being."

You are more than the choices that you've made

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes

You are more than the problems you create

What's it going to take for me to let go? Or at least let other people hang on with me? We are a people made for community. I've said it before. We need people. I need people. I know that, but what's it going to take for me to believe that not everyone is trying to hurt me? People are human and therefore, I will be disappointed at times but that's not necessarily the person's intention. 

I don't know what it feels like to fly. The concept is so totally other that I cannot even fathom it, but, from what I've heard from the birds singing and all my campers who made it down the zipline, flying is like nothing else. Plane flights don't count. Am I going to let fear run my life? 

Come on people. 

That's no way to live.

That's not really living, it's just existing.

And everyone knows that a girl who loves rhinestones and coloring books the way I do was meant to do more than just exist in this world. We all know that I'm here to cover the world in glitter.

So how do I get from here to there?

I don't know. 

Perhaps I do everything I don't want to do. 

I'm running back to your promises...one more time