Understanding things

I LOVE MARY. 

(Mary the Mother of Jesus) 

Though scripture does not tell us much about her, what it does tell us is pure and simple and what we can infer furthers that appearance. As I've matured in thought and faith, believing something solely because 'it's tradition' is no longer enough for me. Consequently, many questions have arisen in my mind about the mother of (arguably) the most influential figure in all of human history.


how do we know she was conceived without sin?
how do we know she died (okay, well, as a Catholic I believe she didn't die, she was assumed into heaven, but you know what I mean..."got to the end of her earthly life")sinless?
how can we call her the 'virgin' mary, the Bible isn't clear about her sexual history after Jesus' birth?

how do we know Mary was assumed into Heaven?

check out this article (click the work 'article') that explains where the Catholic belief in the assumption of Mary finds its roots.

Man made the clock

I don't know if you've ever thought about it but time is a human social construct. Time doesn't actually exist. We just say it does. Yes, the earth rotates on its axis which makes the sun appear to rise and set (the process which we refer to as a "day") but it was a man--some human person--who decided that this would serve as a way to count ourselves to our deaths.

Time stinks.

Whether you want to speed up time or slow it down, it's likely you're not content to leave time as it is. Well, that's precisely what I'm going to try to do this week. I was journaling for 40 minutes before mass tonight and realized that I want to just be this week.

JUST BE.

be happy where I am.

be content with what I'm doing.

be focused on what I'm doing.

Psalm 46:10--be still and know I am God...

It's not a meditation but a lifestyle choice. About six weeks ago my mom told me that I've always been trying to rush life and I need to "just let life happen" <--those may be some of the wisest words she's ever shared with me. 

I'll let you know how it goes.

AMDG

Luke 11:1

"One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.”

I want to learn to pray the way David prayed. I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name. I want to feel like new. I want to hunger for You. Bring me back to life like only You can do.

Gosh, dang it!

So, apparently, over time, things happen. Seems, simple, right? Wrong. Things happen. Whether we like it or not, things happen over time.

9 months after you get pregnant, 

you'll probably be giving birth.

8 years after you start kindergarden, 

you'll probably graduate 8th grade.

7 days after you go to church, 

you'll probably be going back.

6 months after you complain about the winter cold, 

you'll probably complain about the summer heat.

you get the point.

Time happens.

Things happen.

I don't like it.

Good things happen and bad things happen, yes, but when I say I don't like things happening, I'm not talking about the good v. bad. Rather, I strongly dislike when good things come to an end.

It has come to my attention in approximately the last 48 hours that a certain good things will be coming to an end in approximately 2 weeks. So, apparently, time doesn't care that I don't like it. 

Kelsey came to St. Louis in August  as an intern with Campus Crusade--a huge step of faith. She had just graduated from High Point University (NC) with a degree in interior design--not exactly something that feeds into ministry. Through God's intervention and my submission, I got involved with a Campus Crusade bible study on campus that she was co-leading with a student here. A few days after the first meeting I attended (and left early), I got an email from Kelsey saying: My name is Kelsey and I co-lead the small group at SLU with Tim. He gave me your contact information to contact you and see if you were possibly interested in meeting up with me sometime? I will be there on Tuesdays, and would love to just be able to sit down and get to know you better, talk about the Lord, and get into the word. If you are interested I would love to hear from you! I thought about it, I prayed about it. Long story short, I emailed her back 30 minutes later and that's when it all started.

We met the following Tuesday and shared our stories--the parts we felt comfortable enough to get vulnerable with--and we continued to share our stories, our faith, our struggles, and essentially our lives every Tuesday. We would go out for coffee and sit there for three hours and not think a thing of it. 

Ever since the beginning of our relationship I've struggled with thinking two things: 1. its Kelsey's job to hang out and like me and 2. what's the point, she's only going to be here a year. she'll touch my heart then leave just like everyone else.

Those two things have come up over and over but the relationship remains. If #1 was really true, I don't really think tears would have been shed when she found out painful things about my life or phone calls would be made over Christmas break. If I really believed #2, I wouldn't have stuck around with her. Simple as that...not really...those things have plagued me all year. Whatever.

Fact of the matter is, Kelsey is leaving in two weeks. 

Her year with Cru is up.

I may never see her again.

Wanna guess how my heart feels???? I was journaling about it this morning and even still, my heart is apprehensive. Not broken, not abandoned. I knew this was coming. I remember being on retreat in October and telling Kelsey through tears, that I wasn't going to let myself get close to her because she was just going to leave me like everyone else. She promised that she was going to be here for the year and it would be silly for me not to give her that year. 

I gave her the year...kind of. If you know me, you know I'm terribly difficult and stubborn and afraid of vulnerability. Translate that into discipleship and you get me avoiding certain subjects or saying I'm fine when I'm really not--you get secrets. Well, Kelsey broke through barriers I had set up. She didn't ask to know the secrets but found out on her own accord. And some of those secrets broke her heart...that's why they were secrets in the first place. 

Like I said, Kelsey broke down walls that very very few people break. She loved me in a way that I have never experienced before. She held my face and prayed for me as I was having an asthma attach and waiting for the ambulance in September and then sat in the ER waiting room for hours. She interrupted her staff meeting and talked to her staff team and even to her mom in hopes of finding me resources in December. Kels was never content with meeting me where I was at and chilling there. Very soon after meeting me, Kelsey understood my trust issues and realized that I wasn't going to willingly open up to her. So she opened up to me in hopes that I'd see I could trust her. A lot of the time, she'd meet me then push me forward. She challenged me every moment of my life..to make better decisions, to think before I decide, to love Jesus more, to listen to Satan less. Kelsey has been an indispensable part of this year for me. So many memories of this year include her in one way or another. Kels may be physically leaving, but she ignited in me a desire to be challenged and that will live on whether or not she is the one kicking my butt. I really hope she knows that. I'm really going to miss her.

I don't know if she'll ever see this. It doesn't matter. 

I don't know what's going to happen when Kelsey leaves St. Louis in two weeks. I'm doing my best not to make any expectations--high or low. 

I want the year to start over, gosh, dang it! I feel like I did it all wrong. 


Ecclesasties 3:1-8, 10
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: 
a time to be born and a time to die.
a time to plant and a time to uproot.
a time to kill and a time to heal.
a time to tear down and a time to build.
a time to weep and a time to laugh.
a time to mourn and a time to dance.
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
a time to search and a time to give up.
a time to keep and a time to throw away.
a time to tear and a time to mend.
a time to be silent and a time to speak.
a time to love and a time to hate.
a time for war and a time for peace.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart. 

Oh death, where is your sting?

Fresh cut grass...

analogous with...

asthma attacks...

cough, cough, wheeze

analogous with...

hospitals.

Matthew 6:25-34, specifically 34: 

"Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."

I have asthma. The kind of asthma that messes with my life more than any other kind of asthma. My asthma is mean-spirited and angry. I swear.

I have asthma. I have exercise induced asthma. I have allergy induced asthma. (note to readers: I'm allergic to just about everything green.)

"Nature, it's all over me, get it off"

I LOVE this time of year. Sunshine and green grass and blooming flowers and light night rain storms all bring my heart to smile. Not that coy smirk you're thinking of but a big, eyes squinting, teeth showing, almost cheesy type of smile. 

And I HATE this time of year. I don't know what you know about asthma or allergies or allergy induced asthma but I know, from personal experience, that all of the above STINK...hardcore...like spoiled egg being splattered on your favorite shirt. This is the best time of year to run outside, it's not too hot and it is sunny for the majority of the day. But this is also the time of year that the grass gets cut for the first few times of the season and so diffuse unheard of amounts of allergens into the air. These allergens are breathed into my lungs and cause them to shut down. 

I want to try to explain to you how I felt when I woke up this morning to the sound of lawn mowers outside my window and the scent of that fresh cut grass floating past my nose. 

depression.

total unadulterated crestfallenness.

disappointment.

why can't I be normal?

wth?

seriously? seriously! seriously.

where's my inhaler? 

ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

okay, I'm gonna go back to bed now.

well, today is gonna suck.

I kid you not. These are the things that ran through my mind at 7am. If the grass had not been cut this morning, I would have spent all afternoon outside. Kelsey and I would have had discipleship by the Dolphin pond. I would have revised my paper and written the intro to my gospel and read the letter to the bishops with my feet in the waterfall by the clocktower. 

But no.

The grass was cut today.

And if I had had discipleship by the Dolphin pond or revised my paper and written the intro to my gospel and read the letter to the bishops with my feet in the waterfall by the clocktower I could have died. Quite literally.

But guess what. I don't have control over every place I am on a daily basis...well, I guess I kind of do but only kind of. Dr. Miller decided that today would be another wonderful day to have class outside. 

(Poor choice. Do I say something? Do I risk my health? Do I just leave class? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.....this was not in the plan!) This was the fifth time we've had class outside this semester so I suppose I should not have been all that surprised, but I was nonetheless quite perturbed. False. I was FREAKING OUT! Don't get me wrong! I LOVE LOVE LOVE having class outside. In fact, I was the one who pressured Dr. Miller the very first time back in February to take us outside. But I wasn't in danger of not being able to breathe back then. Any other day and it would have been fine. But not today. 

I sat there for 50 minutes focusing on the in and out motion of my chest, listening to what sounds my breath made as it moved past my lips, remaining alert to the pressure in my lungs. I didn't learn anything in that class. I tried my best to look like I was paying attention but I really wasn't. I was simply focused on getting through those 50 minutes so I could run back inside and wash all the nature off of me so I could breathe like a normal person for the rest of the day. I did not want to have the special bonding experience of having my professor call an ambulance for me. Not okay. I've already had my boss and a campus minister and my discipler call 911, and I wasn't about to let Dr. Miller join that list of awkwardness.

Clearly I am still alive. My inhaler and I were good friends during those 50 minutes and for the rest of the day as my lungs recovered from the assault during class.

i'm just sayin' that sometimes the grass being greener on the other side isn't necessarily a good thing. 

Ham or eggs?

from my go-to source for everything true and totally legit (Urban dictionary) 

Tough love: Another version of "being cruel to be kind". To show somebody some tough love today will save them heartache in the future but may cause a small amount of upset for the reciever immediately after the "tough Love" has been dispensed. They would suffer more if you let them get on with their life with no interference from third parties.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other day--not a particularly good choice of edifying media, I know--and got this great insight. Ham and eggs. I've gotten assaulted with a lot of tough love in the past few days and this was just another example.

There's a chicken and a pig and we have to decide which we are going to be. Obviously, the chicken gives the eggs and the pig gives the ham. The pig gave everything. The pig sacrificed himself in the most total way possible. The chicken was only willing to sacrifice a little but the pig gave it all.

I'm 114% a chicken...

but I want to be a pig. 

I want to be 114% committed. Always. 

It is so easy to be a chicken--to give a little and say that's enough, to have one foot in and the other out. It is tempting to settle for mediocrity, to do just enough to get by. And He saw a poor widow putting in two small copper coins. And He said, "Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all of them. (Luke 21:2-3). Ham and eggs isn't about money (though I suppose that is a way if could be applied). 

Here's the deal, chickens don't change the world. I think about the times I have made a difference in people's lives and I see I was a pig in those moments. 

Yeah, being a pig can be exhausting.

But being a chicken can be unfulfilling.

I'd rather be tired than unsatisfied. 

It's about love. It's about giving your heart. Your whole heart...not holding anything back. When you give your heart, you relinquish control. In fact, you give someone else control. 

That's hard.

That's scary.

Yeah, well that's why it means so much and why it is such a big deal. Love is hard and it is scary. Love hurts sometimes but there are people who will swear that love is worth the pain. 

Is it really worth the pain?

They call it a broken heart for a reason.

How can we know if it is worth it until we try?

But here's the thing,
I don't think trying is really trying 
until you're the pig.

But when you're the pig, you're all in.

[So it's time to make the choice: ham or eggs?]

Mind over matter

What happens when there is a 718 mile disconnect between your head and your heart? ...when you know you need to do something but really don't want to? How do you discern the timing of actually executing these things?  Should you actually do them if your heart isn't in it?


These questions and many others have been rolling around in my mind more than usual recently. Upon reflection, I've determined that it all comes down to discerning God's will. I live, not for myself, but for Him, and so the root of my decisions should be found in His desires, His plan. 


As I was trying to make a big decision about a month ago, I was given an article about how we can actually do this. You can read the article by clicking here. There's no right or wrong answer to those questions because in each situation you find yourself asking, God's will may be different. Because of this, we need to be attentive to daily discernment--making sure our decisions constantly align themselves with the Lord's so that our path and God's path become one in the same. We must pray and act for this daily. It is not a once in a lifetime sort of thing. 


Pray: Lord, I do not know what to ask you. You alone know my real needs, and you love me more than I even know how to love. Enable me to discern my true needs which are hidden from me. I ask for neither cross nor consolation; I wait in patience for you. My heart is open to you. For your great mercy's sake, come to me and help me. Put your mark on me and heal me, cast me down and raise me up. Silently I adore your holy will and your inscrutable ways. I offer myself in sacrifice to you and put all my trust in you. I desire only to do your will. Teach me how to pray and pray in me, yourself.


""For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. When you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you. " Jeremiah 29: 11-13


"I do not pray to be successful, I pray to be faithful." Mother Teresa

Jesus is clever, He must've had a Jesuit education...

So this one time, I went to 9 p.m. mass and it was great. the end.

no. yes. well, it was great. Fr. David Meconi, SJ has this wonderful ability to tap into my emotions and make a hot mess out of my feelings in public settings. During mass I prayed, laughed, cried, cried some more and sang some wonderful songs (achem...Hungry). I was reminded of my insecurities and my deepest fears. I was reminded of love--how desperately I need it and how much it means to me, for me to receive and to give.

Last night, we heard the gospel story talking about turing the other cheek and if he takes your cloak, give him your tunic also and if he demands you go a mile, go two (Matt 5:38-48). Fr. Meconi hashed out the meaning in a way that 99.9% of us had never heard. He explained that Jesus was not saying that if we follow Him people are going to walk all over us and we aren't supposed to do anything about it. No, Jesus knew the culture. When someone backhands you across the face it was read as a sign of elevated authority and when you turn the other cheek, the only way they could continue hitting you would be to punch you but that was considered an act of equality. The idea is that turning the other cheek is not an act of passivity but rather a clever way to stop the cycle of violence. And the other two things offer the same sort of situation. If a guy takes your cloak and you give him your tunic as well, he would get in trouble for exposing your nudity and if a Roman soldier made you do a mile of service but you did two, the soldier would be chided for overworking you. Jesus knew the culture. He was clever. He must've had a Jesuit education--an education involving the culture so His work would be culturally relevant.

Then, in a Meconi-style tangent, Fr. Meconi started talking about the trinity. Three in one, the trinity is totally dependent. In our culture, we have been taught that dependency is not a good thing but that's clearly a lie. The three persons of the trinity are so dependent on one another that if one were to not exist, the other two would be obsolete. One cannot exist without the other two. Dependency leads to holiness, to wholeness. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are called to holiness through relationship. By letting others into our lives, we get closer to this ideal.

Ohmygoodness!!! Fr. Meconi's random Trinitarian tangent seemed to be directed right at me. I've been struggling with the reality of humanity. I've been hurt by a lot of people coming into my life then just peace-ing out when things get tough or uncomfortable and especially by one person seeming to do this recently. People promise they're in for the long haul but then something that they don't know how to handle happens and they run away. I felt like Fr. Meconi was looking straight into my broken heart and asking me to give it another shot. People are always going to disappoint me, I know that, but God never will. If God is the buffer in the center of the dependent relationship, the hurt of the disappointment won't sting so much.

Right now, as I bounce back from the injury of another relationship lost, I must look to the future and all the possibilities for love. My heart will heal.

Love, Emily

P.S. if you read this far, you are amazing. go reward yourself.


"Broken, I run to you, for your arms are open wide..."

A BIG "thank you!"

THANK YOU! to the two wonderful people who have become my ministry partners in the last week. With their help, the deposit is taken care of! I have been blessed to have these two fulfill the $300 deposit I need to send in at the end of next week. Praise God!

I know God will provide me adequate ministry partners to support my mission this summer. I know that and I trust Him in that. However, I was still worried that getting $300 together so quickly was asking a little much. Clearly not. God is making His will known by setting forth exactly what I need.

Please join me in praying for those contemplating partnering with me this summer. I do not ask simply for money but for prayers and the development of a relationship. This is not simply fundraising, but, rather, ministry partner development. It's less about the money and more about the relationships.

I am so excited to see how the Lord sets this into motion.

AMDG, Emily

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says: 'do not fear, I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13

Read what God did...so never will you doubt...

So, I've decided to read the entire bible this year. I'm sick and tired of not knowing what's in it. Like so many people, I am guilty of proclaiming myself to be one who knows God but I really have no idea about the guy. I have so many questions...sooo many questions that I want answered. I know that questions are great but I also know that there's something to be said for taking the initiative to answer your own questions. So that's my plan.

I'll keep you updated.

Love, Emily

P.S. if you're interested in doing the same, click here to check out the website I'm using as a guide. It has 5 plans for each of like 25 different translations. So cool!!

What's in a name?

This blog is titled "Lead me..." and subtitled "Joyfully hoping. Patiently afflicted. Faithfully praying." I suspect some of you may have already pinpointed the inspiration behind these two choices, especially the subtitle.

If you guessed that it references Romans 12:12, you would be correct. The verse reads: "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer" and has offered me countless promptings. You may know that I am one of the most impatient people on this earth. It's not that I feel I deserve instant gratification. Rather, my impatience stems from my active lifestyle. I am and always have been a doer--I not only want to know why but I also want to know how. Clearly, I struggle with patience in general, so patience in affliction is an entirely separate ball game. In all honesty, I have been praying for patience a lot recently, and in answering those prayers, God has given me opportunities to practice patience--from things as simple as hanging up my coat on the bulky hook in my locker at the pool to more the more frustrating situation of waiting for important mail or following someone walking slowly. In the movie, Evan Almighty, someone expresses the idea that when we pray, we do not necessarily get whatever it is we pray for automatically granted to us, but rather, God gives us opportunities to grow towards the goal.

Now for the main title. Although I had one specific thing in mind when I chose the title, I've realized there are countless ways the relate "Lead me..."to the purpose of this blog. There are three songs I've come across that vividly depict the necessity of seeking the Lord's guidance--Lead Me (Sanctus Real), Lead Me To The Cross (Hillsong United), and Lead Me Home (Matt Maher). Music speaks to me in my weakest moments--many of which have been ignited by me feeling lost. I know that I don't know what I'm doing at all. Really, I don't know anything and I need to let my guard down to acknowledge that vulnerability and let someone lead me.

Impatience does not lend itself well to following someone else. So, as I relinquish control, my desire for patience becomes all the stronger.

Listen to those songs and tell me about how they're moving you.

Ad majorem dei gloriam,
Emily