Week 4ever: Oh, the Places My Gaze Will Go

My reasoning for not writing a reflection at the conclusion of my #monthwithoutmirrors last week is twofold: 1. the week was busier than I have been used to in awhile. therefore, I enjoyed sitting on my couch not doing anything or talking to anyone a bit much when I returned home each night. 2. I wanted to wait awhile to compare my return to mirror-less existence to this past month as well as life before.

Sweet, holy mother of pearl! 

The mirror is annoying.

It's not completely unnecessary but almost. Sort of like salad dressing. We think it's a wonderful thing to have and that in the name of all things good and holy we can't live without it...until we end up at work with no dressing and al our work buddies brought not-salads and OH NO! Oh, yes. You'll be just fine. In fact, you'll be able to taste your salad not just your salad dressing. Fancy that. 

By no means am I advocating for us all to frolic into the streets, mirrors in hand and smash away our reflections. No, no, no. Please use the mirror to help you pluck your eyebrows and put on eyeliner and check for panty lines. These things are a decent part of feminine existence. And guys, please watch yourself while shaving and make sure your crack stays in your pants and before you leave the house, please! please! please! check that you're not wearing stripes and plaid together. These things are also a decent part of feminine existence. Yeah. 

Please someone, explain to me why on god's green earth I find it necessary to check myself in the mirror when I'm about to head out running. Why?! If I pick clothes out of my closet, why do I stand in front of the mirror as if to ask "is this acceptable' or 'does this look okay'? I'm a pretty competent human being. I think I can put clothes on my body in an acceptable manner...but perhaps not. Something deep in my psyche seems to disagree.  

In the past week, I think I've realized I'm looking in the mirror hoping for reassurance that I appear the way I want...determined by what the world has told me I should want. It's completely arbitrary and yet controlling. Remember my rant about the 000 clothing size at J. Crew? Same concept here combined with the concept I chatted about week 2 regarding my inner chatter, my inner appearance being unchanged. If I appear confident, perhaps I will become confident. 

If I appear competent, perhaps I will become competent. If I appear fulfilled, perhaps I will become fulfilled. If I appear ______, perhaps I will become _______. Let's remember what I learned at my very first collegiate swim camp: the body achieves what the mind believes. Though I believe there's truth in that regarding athletic performance and even a tad relating to life-performance, I strongly dislike the 'fake it till you make it' mentality and I realized this appear-->become crap is exactly that. HOLY DANG! I'm doing exactly the thing I despise. Grrrrrrrrrrr. #thanksnothanks My issue with 'fake it till you make it' is that it tells you that you're not enough as you are and that someday, after a lot of hard work, you will be enough. False. No. Wrong. Lies. Deception. My tent has its stakes hammered down in the land of 'relax. you have enough. you do enough. you are enough.' 

Legit posted in my journal, next to my mirror, and on my door.

It seems I'm needing to live a mirror-lite existence. The full-length mirror in my room is going to live under a shroud for awhile to help me figure out this intentionality...a little barrier between my mirror-happy psyche and reality. I vote that what I bring to the world is already in me, I just have to find it and share it. Cool bros. 

#WORSTnightmareEVER

yep.

that's a stability boot.

yep.

for real.

NO!

I'M NOT OKAY.

I have a marathon to run in less than three weeks and thought I was being a good girl by going to the doctor, but what do they give me for my efforts to be healthy???? A STABILITY BOOT and a request that I "take it easy" and not run. Clearly, the doctor didn't know me and clearly he's not a marathon runner and clearly he was unable to read my personality in the time we spent together.

I'll wear the thing.

I'll lug it around on my leg.

But I will not stop running.

And I most certainly will not not run my 26.2.

Poor choice?

Probably.

Choice necessary for mental/emotional stability?

That's the only reason I'm making it.

#STRESStotheMAX

Roadblock #1

This isn't good.

My alarm went off this morning at 7 a.m. (despite it being my day off because of the holiday) and I wanted to stay in bed. Still, I got out of bed and began my morning like I always do--with a trip to the bathroom--but as soon as I took my first step, I felt foggy and lightheaded. I began mentally going through a checklist of possible reasons why I was feeling this way:
dehydrated?
not enough sleep?
weird food last night?
body tired from yesterday's activities?
No, none of that felt like it was right. I don't know what it could be other than my sleeping medication hitting me extra hard and not wanting to work its way out of my system in a timely manner.

Needless to say, I was not about to tie on my trainers [does that make me sound British? I'll post some time about how I very seriously wish I was British, perhaps.] and scoot through the city feeling unstable. Instead, I practiced some awesome self-care--made gluten-free, dairy-free banana pancakes [GF bisquick mixing in soy-milk and applesauce and 1/4 c. pureed banana and topped with 1/2 tsp peanut butter and banana slices] and indulged in watching some Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.

But, what now? I'm still feeling foggy and as it gets later in the day, it gets hotter, and therefore, more dangerous to go running. The high is 103 today and I am most certainly not putting my body through that torture...but I'm not ready to abdicate control of my training and get off track. I've got 5 miles to run today and I don't care if I can't get out there until 8 p.m. I'm going running today. Now, I'm a little more motivated. Perhaps all I needed was a little pep-talk and a source of accountability (yall knowing this is my plan for today and me promising not only myself but also you that I will do it.)

Not giving in to this roadblock.

Not getting off track.

Not yet.

I pinky promise. 

I'll let you know what happens.

Good

Yesterday was good.

I'm going to get a little theoretical philosophical for a minute, so please, bear with me. How does one define  'good'? As unoriginal as it sounds, I looked up the word in the dictionary and was absolutely stunned! There were over one hundred different definitions. 'Good' may honestly be the most complex four-letter word in the English language. Still, as I read through the attempts to define this word, this feeling, this thing I realized that there was no single way to define 'good; that is totally complete in itself.

This being said, the word good may be so complex that it has become utterly non-descriptive. I said yesterday was good but you have absolutely no idea what I mean...unless we already talked about my day...but that's cheating. When someone responds to the question 'how are you?' by saying 'good,' they might as well have not responded at all. The word good has so many meanings that it has become virtually meaningless.

Okay, I'm done with my etymological rant.

Here's the deal, 'good' might be the most unhelpful explanation or definition for something or someone but sometimes it is the only word that fits. Okay isn't positive enough. Great is too positive. What's in between? ...good.

Yesterday was good. Yesterday my alarm clock went off at 5:27 a.m. and I left for work at 5:46. Yesterday I knew all the answers to the questions on my Bible and Literature quiz for the first time all semester. Yesterday I got a piece of mail that I had been waiting for all week. Yesterday I ate lunch with my friend Anna for the first time in a long time. Yesterday my friend Emiley came to class with me...she's on spring break. Then, after class yesterday, Emiley and I got coffee and talked for 2 hours then went shopping.

Back up. Emiley and I talked for 2 hours. We sat in this coffee shop and talked and talked and talked for over 120 minutes. I suppose this doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary for two college-age women, but, oh, I promise you, it is something. First of all, the simple fact that I had 2 consecutive hours to sit down and talk is absolutely mind blowing. I wish there was a way I could publish a picture of my google calendar here for yall to understand what I mean. It's not necessarily a good thing but I am always busy. This, right now, is the first time I have had alone-time all week...other than when I am asleep. I go to class, and to work, and to practice, and to meetings, and to small group, and to mass, and to more practice, and to more work, and to bed...then repeat. Second, yall may not know the Emiley I was sitting with but you probably know this Emily (at least enough to know I'm probably wearing some yellow article of clothing while writing this). And if you know me at all or have creeped my blog at all, you have probably come to understand that I don't really like talking. I like writing. I like texting (a technological form of talking while writing but still not talking). I don't do small talk and there are only certain times when getting deep is something I'm willing to do. Third, I had been up since 5:27 and had been going going going all day. Work, run, class, class, pick up mail, lunch, homework, class...talk?? I guess.

So, you see now that I enjoyed this chat time but wasn't really expecting it to go so well.

Here's the kicker. Emiley has this look that can get me to tell her things. She's given me this look so many times that she doesn't have to even be looking at me for know that she's got the look. She could be in her own dorm room texting me and I'd know she's got the look. Yesterday the look came out. It came in tandem with the words "tell me something you don't want me to know." I don't know what you think about that request but I seriously thought she was kidding. Tell her something I don't want her to know??? Heck no! If I don't want her to know, I'm most certainly not going to tell her. Telling her would totally defeat me not wanting her to know. But she had the look. Unfortunately, there were a few things that floated through my mind at that time, a few things I didn't want her to know, that I had no intention of ever telling her. And those were precisely the things she wanted me to tell her. I told her one of them and she had me explain and it was AWKWARD. More awkward than the word awkward is to spell and look at. It was hard.

At first, I felt bad. I felt like she now knew this secret of mine and it wasn't any old secret. It was a secret that I wouldn't mind all that much for other people to know about but for her to know was unthinkable. The impossible is only impossible because we say it is.

Telling Emiley what I didn't want her to know was not something that I wanted to do but I liked it. I know that doesn't make any sense. Do you remember the childhood rhyme: secrets secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone? The truth will set you free. I am no longer held in bondage by that secret. The one person I didn't want to know now knows. The one person I thought would be most hurt by the secret knows. I survived. Emiley survived. Our friendship survived. Freedom lives on!

Last night was good too by the way. I listened to about three hours of convicting audio lessons on change. You can expect a post about that sometime soon.

xoxoxoxoxo Emily

We need people

There is a part of me that feels as though I have not posted anything of significance in awhile.

If you don't already know, I struggle in a major way with trusting people. I keep everyone at an arm's length no matter how trustworthy they seem. Many times this has bitten me in the butt but I have kept on with this way of life because I have felt as though actually trusting people has hurt me more. Not trusting has seemed, for a long time, like the lesser of two evils--in my mind.

The problem is, we [humans] were made for community. We were made to be in association with other people and no one has ever said this would be easy. In running from my innate call to community, I push away a part of my humanity, something so intrinsic to fullness of life.

That is not just a thought of mine, it is something I have very intimately experienced.

Trust is a risk. I am slowly learning that, sometimes, the benefits outweigh the costs.

I have been in Florida all week with 20 other kids from Wash U for spring break--not the usual drinking, partying, walking around half-naked type of spring break, don't you worry. Anyway, I knew most of these kids before the trip but didn't know them and so I felt as though I couldn't necessarily trust them with some of the big things that have been going on in my life recently. But here's the thing: when big things happen, they are big and they do not just go away, big things have a big impact. Throughout the week I was in contact with some friends from home who I do know and trust and so many of them encouraged me to talk. One such friend texted me Thursday night saying, "Please Em, I think God placed you exactly in that group for a reason. It's safe. They love You like He does and no one will judge you! Never think that! You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong, it IS not your fault! At all! Do not let that keep you from talking to someone! You deserve to be loved and cared for, and staying silent will not let God's other children care for you!"

Well, after that was said, I began to give in to the tugging on my heart. All week, I had an uneasiness about me. Something was pushing me to get real with someone. I had been feeling really inauthentic  and knew I needed to share that as well as the reasons behind the feeling.

It took quite a bit of internal debate but I did it. I just spilled everything I had been hiding inside and she listened. There was nothing she could say that would change anything and we both knew that. I wasn't looking for that to happen. She was able to share some of her own experiences in relation to mine and offer me some truth and love me through the pain.

Truth and love...that's all I need.

It's been taking a long time for me to realize how desperately I need to get out of that hole. Fear has kept me sitting there all alone but, honestly, what am I afraid of?

Yes, people are going to let me down. Over and over again people are going to disappoint me. That's a fact born to reality because of our broken nature in this fallen world. I shouldn't run and hide from that disappointment, but, rather enjoy the moments where I am not disappointed.

I need people.

Just sayin'

Keep me humble, Keep me holy.

The mantra"keep me humble, keep me holy" was pounded into a leather bracelet for a friend of mine at camp this summer. When we met each Tuesday in our growth groups, she constantly reminded me what that really meant.

In the most difficult of circumstances, she handed over the struggle to her Maker. When she had nothing left to give, she fell at the foot of the cross and asked Him to revive her. With every success, she gave Him praise. With every failure, she gave Him thanks. All for Jesus. All for Jesus.

So often it is easier for me to fall into bitterness and indifference than to allow myself to be humbled to be made holy. I had a meeting with someone in administration half an hour ago and did not at all live up to my call to holiness or humility. I walked into the office with my head held high and a list of things I needed to say tucked in my pocket. This meeting, I had previously decided, was something I needed to "win." Little did I know, that it wasn't a fight at all. There would be no winner or loser, unless I formed those ideas in my head. Everything I was thinking and feeling fell into these three categories: 1. what felt good, 2. what was easiest, and 3. whatever concerned me. It was all about me. It was all about Emily. I had prepared in my mind what points I needed to make and knew I must remain calm during the conversation--because of that, I had unintentionally blocked myself from receiving the grace I would need.

But despite my sinfulness, God's goodness remains. I may have walked into that meeting stubborn and self-centered but a certain peace came into my heart and I shook the other person's hand and sat down. With that peace came an understanding that a hard heart wasn't going to get me anywhere. The meeting was smooth and virtually painless because I was sitting there being humbled.

Holiness takes humility. We pretty much all desire to get to heaven, I'm sure and the only way to heaven is through holiness. Thus, heaven takes humility too.

keep me humble, keep me holy...write it on a notecard and put it in your pocket or in your purse or write it on your planner or get it tattooed on your arm. whatever you do, never forget it.

Everything Glorious!

It is 54 degrees outside. Look at the date....February 13th and 54 degrees.

This is absolutely glorious. It means I went running OUTSIDE and not just outside but IN SHORTS OUTSIDE. Glorious, I tell you. I got new running shoes yesterday and now I was able to properly christen them on the pavement.

want to know what else is glorious? friendship.

Last night was simple but beautiful. my friend Emiley and I ended up having a very unexpected heart-to-heart. what was shared will not be shared in this forum but, I'm telling you, it is not something either of us had anticipated.

I have this problem someone has referred to as an "alone complex" and while I think its more of a reality than a complex, the thing is that I often feel like I'm walking alone. Yes, I have friends. I have wonderful friends but I struggle with letting them love me. Thus, it sometimes seems like no one does and therefore, I feel alone. That was not the case last night or today.

Today I finished my run at Annie's. I made a pit stop at my room and picked up a picture I had drawn for her and then ran it over to her and set it up in the frame she had gotten for it. I then proceeded to nap on her futon and talk her into taking me to Jimmy John's for dinner. I took a shower while she finished up some work and when I came out she was on the phone with her mom. I didn't want to interrupt, so I opened her computer and found something to do. After hacking her facebook and writing a status about how she needed to shower, I wrote her a love note and saved it for her to find later. Now, I just got a text from her telling me to listen to "I Won't Let Go" (Rascal Flatts). Listen to it. Cry. I did. Clearly, Miss Annie found my letter. Annie has this uncanny ability to find music that speaks to my heart. She has seriously sat next to me and played songs on youtube in order to make me cry.

I'm not alone.

This is glorious.

I am loved.

Now I'm off to mass. My good time with the Author of Love.

xoxoxo Emily

What's in a name?

This blog is titled "Lead me..." and subtitled "Joyfully hoping. Patiently afflicted. Faithfully praying." I suspect some of you may have already pinpointed the inspiration behind these two choices, especially the subtitle.

If you guessed that it references Romans 12:12, you would be correct. The verse reads: "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer" and has offered me countless promptings. You may know that I am one of the most impatient people on this earth. It's not that I feel I deserve instant gratification. Rather, my impatience stems from my active lifestyle. I am and always have been a doer--I not only want to know why but I also want to know how. Clearly, I struggle with patience in general, so patience in affliction is an entirely separate ball game. In all honesty, I have been praying for patience a lot recently, and in answering those prayers, God has given me opportunities to practice patience--from things as simple as hanging up my coat on the bulky hook in my locker at the pool to more the more frustrating situation of waiting for important mail or following someone walking slowly. In the movie, Evan Almighty, someone expresses the idea that when we pray, we do not necessarily get whatever it is we pray for automatically granted to us, but rather, God gives us opportunities to grow towards the goal.

Now for the main title. Although I had one specific thing in mind when I chose the title, I've realized there are countless ways the relate "Lead me..."to the purpose of this blog. There are three songs I've come across that vividly depict the necessity of seeking the Lord's guidance--Lead Me (Sanctus Real), Lead Me To The Cross (Hillsong United), and Lead Me Home (Matt Maher). Music speaks to me in my weakest moments--many of which have been ignited by me feeling lost. I know that I don't know what I'm doing at all. Really, I don't know anything and I need to let my guard down to acknowledge that vulnerability and let someone lead me.

Impatience does not lend itself well to following someone else. So, as I relinquish control, my desire for patience becomes all the stronger.

Listen to those songs and tell me about how they're moving you.

Ad majorem dei gloriam,
Emily