We need people

There is a part of me that feels as though I have not posted anything of significance in awhile.

If you don't already know, I struggle in a major way with trusting people. I keep everyone at an arm's length no matter how trustworthy they seem. Many times this has bitten me in the butt but I have kept on with this way of life because I have felt as though actually trusting people has hurt me more. Not trusting has seemed, for a long time, like the lesser of two evils--in my mind.

The problem is, we [humans] were made for community. We were made to be in association with other people and no one has ever said this would be easy. In running from my innate call to community, I push away a part of my humanity, something so intrinsic to fullness of life.

That is not just a thought of mine, it is something I have very intimately experienced.

Trust is a risk. I am slowly learning that, sometimes, the benefits outweigh the costs.

I have been in Florida all week with 20 other kids from Wash U for spring break--not the usual drinking, partying, walking around half-naked type of spring break, don't you worry. Anyway, I knew most of these kids before the trip but didn't know them and so I felt as though I couldn't necessarily trust them with some of the big things that have been going on in my life recently. But here's the thing: when big things happen, they are big and they do not just go away, big things have a big impact. Throughout the week I was in contact with some friends from home who I do know and trust and so many of them encouraged me to talk. One such friend texted me Thursday night saying, "Please Em, I think God placed you exactly in that group for a reason. It's safe. They love You like He does and no one will judge you! Never think that! You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong, it IS not your fault! At all! Do not let that keep you from talking to someone! You deserve to be loved and cared for, and staying silent will not let God's other children care for you!"

Well, after that was said, I began to give in to the tugging on my heart. All week, I had an uneasiness about me. Something was pushing me to get real with someone. I had been feeling really inauthentic  and knew I needed to share that as well as the reasons behind the feeling.

It took quite a bit of internal debate but I did it. I just spilled everything I had been hiding inside and she listened. There was nothing she could say that would change anything and we both knew that. I wasn't looking for that to happen. She was able to share some of her own experiences in relation to mine and offer me some truth and love me through the pain.

Truth and love...that's all I need.

It's been taking a long time for me to realize how desperately I need to get out of that hole. Fear has kept me sitting there all alone but, honestly, what am I afraid of?

Yes, people are going to let me down. Over and over again people are going to disappoint me. That's a fact born to reality because of our broken nature in this fallen world. I shouldn't run and hide from that disappointment, but, rather enjoy the moments where I am not disappointed.

I need people.

Just sayin'