An Ode

For the past week, I've been working on writing a poem. Turns out, however, that the poetry gods did not bestow their gifts upon me at birth. Coming to grips with that limitation this week has been extremely difficult, harder than my last long training run on Friday (22 miles that turned into 25 when Kels and I missed a turn). 

Though that sarcasm mainly fuels that last thought, it's not completely false. I simply don't like to not be good at things, hence my stubborn determination. 

I had intended my poem to speak volumes but I struggled to find ways to convey the whit, sincerity, and transparency of its subject matter.

to my cousin:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLY

I'm sorry I couldn't write you a poem

but you still deserve to know what I wanted to share;

When we were younger, I thought you were much older, wiser, and put together. I thought you had all the answers, or at least enough that I could learn what you knew and be totally fine. In time, as we both grew, I began to see your questions, struggles, imperfections. And when those things broke the shiny veneer I had constructed over you, I was not disappointed, instead I appreciated your authenticity as you tried to figure out what your authenticity actually looked like authentically. 

When I was in high school and you were just beginning college, I remember believing you had your life all figured out and you were capable of doing the work to figure mine out as well. Now that I'm a few years past that 'just beginning college' time, holy cow am I sorry for thinking what I thought. At 18, I didn't know who I was or what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be or really who I didn't want to be and I certainly wasn't capable of figuring that out for someone else.

Now we may be 700 miles apart and maybe even further in the not-so-distant future, but I've shared moments with you I haven't with many. Simple moments: crying on the phone because my parents inability to understand me hurts so bad, photoshoots on train tracks, making birthday surprise cupcakes,  feeling connected though few words are shared. 

You're not my best friend but you're certainly my favorite cousin--go ahead, tell Brent. 

TRUE BEAUTY 

shines from the soul and warms the world 

with its kindness, compassion, and integrity