the 3 D's

Back when I swam for Shannon Dunworth, he sat the team down for a "come to Jesus" meeting of sorts regarding our goals and motivation. What he said centered around what he called the 3 D's of success:

DedicationDetermination
Desire

These three have similar cores that give them a similar purpose. Dedication, Determination, and Desire propel you to dig real deep when you are stressed or tested or just plain tired. Some people see it as stubbornness or inflexibility or pride--and, granted, sometimes it is--but mostly there is a force from deep inside you pulling you toward something.

One who is dedicated knows knows every day is not her best day but that every single day counts. The dedicated student does not procrastinate or cheat or do just enough to slip under the radar. The dedicated athlete does not spend her time distracted or wishing her body felt more able or making excuses. Those who are dedicated are consistent and reliable. Each night, it is their fortitude that is rejuvenated through rest.

One who is determined sets goals with the intention of meeting them. This determined individual knows herself well enough to know her capabilities. Her goal is one step beyond the point at which she knows she will want to give up. Her dedication to herself and her goal keeps her from sitting on the sidelines in fear. Determination holds a person to a higher standard or excellence, not perfection, but excellence. This excellence results from knowing one's capabilities and never settling, for a determined individual knows that "to settle for less than your best is to willingly surrender a part of yourself that could have been."

One who has desire knows nothing of complacency. Desire fuels the drive for greatness. For it is "only those who dare to fail greatly [who] can ever hope to achieve greatly."

In January 2012, I tied on my shoes the same way I've tied them for years but I had a different reason this time. I wanted to see if my body was capable. I was not going to push myself beyond what my body was capable of but I was willing to push myself beyond what my body was comfortable with. I didn't sign up until March 1st because I needed time to listen to my body. I thought I could do it, I listened to my body, and I did it. On April 16, 2012, I completed my first half marathon.

On June 6th, I sat on the couch wondering if I could do more. Still unsure, I decided to, again, listen to my body. I thought I could do it, so I would try. On June 6th, I signed up for the Rock N' Roll Savannah half-marathon which would take place on November 3rd. I had every intention of running a full marathon but I wasn't sure if I was capable. My plan was to start out training for the full but not put my money on it (literally) until I was sure. After a solo 12-miler after 6 hours of work that began at 6am, I was sure and so I did the upgrade. The marathon is in 2 1/2 days and I am struggling to hold on to that certainty. I've trained with all 3 D's but I'm still wondering if that's enough. I was dedicated--I ran when I was tired and when it was too cold and too hot. I was determined--I started the long runs with Kelsey with a plan (finish) and a go-get-em attitude. And I had desire--even after being put in a stability boot with a stress fracture 2 1/2 weeks ago, I've continued to run because I want this. I want this for me. I am proud of myself and I want to finish the job. But I'm scared. 

"I'll be there to help 

whatever is left of you 

at the finish line. 

Either way, 

you're going to cross that finish line, 

even if it's on my back" --Nathan Blair 

people say running is an individual sport. Clearly, those people aren't runners. 

Green Bean Obsession

OMG!

As I sat in the Cincinnati airport waiting for the plane to arrive last Friday, my friend Marissa sent me an almost hysterical text message. She told me about this restaurant that is simply TO DIE FOR.

It's a giant salad bar...

That's my kind of bar!

It should be called Emily and Marissa's. The restaurant is actually called Green Bean and it's located in St. Louis' Central West End. All the meat and most of the produce is locally grown--that means its as fresh as fresh gets and your purchase is contributing to a more sustainable food economy.

I'm seriously obsessed. Marissa and I went after work on Thursday and our salad creations were as beautiful as they were delicious.

Field greens, asparagus, roasted red pepper, tomato, onion, pineapple, and tofu

I forgot to mention--their dressings are all homemade! 

(that means no gluten, and that means I had dressing on my salad!)

You may not believe me when I say I'm obsessed, so here's a story of obsession...

12:18pm 

(E) I WANT GREEN BEAN

(M)...don't even get me started. I TOLD YOU THAT YOU'D CRAVE IT 24/7!

(E) It's going to take a lot to keep me from going after I get off work at 2.

(M) Don't even resist it. You'll be more upset not going than if you did go. Wayyyy too good to pass up

(E) It's times like these when I sincerely love you for enabling me.)

12:30pm 

(M) I like to think of myself as the conscious that everyone is missing.

(E)Aww, good. I'm loving my thoughts about this future salad...

(M) I expect a picture with a full description. Ooo and try out as many dressings as possible!

(E) Oh, yes, I'm already planning.

1:04pm 

(M) I'll be needing the full scoop on your adventure there

(E) Less than an hour till I depart!

(M) 55 minutes and counting!

(E) Having a difficult time containing myself...

1:33pm 

(E) 30 minutes

(M) 26 minutes...

1:55pm 

(M) Umm 6 MINUTES

(E) Mouth salivating

(M) Guarantee your legs are twitching.

(E) Yeah, I can't even sit down.

(M) I don't know if the people are Green Bean understand what they have done to us. I'm not even going to green bean in 4 MINUTES and MY mouth is salivating.

(E) Ahhhh. I'm ready!!!!! (sitting in the ready position, with my jacket and sunglasses on, ready to leave)

(M) Conquer Green Bean!!!! 1. Create 2. Try dressings 3. Send txt for your punch card 4. Send me a picture 5. DEVOURRRRRRR.

2:15pm spinach and field greens mixed, roasted red pepper, cucumber, corn, onion, chicken, and lime dressing

 

Break time

HAPPY FALL BREAK!!!
that means no school for the next 4 days...and because my long runs are over, that means I'm free to actually take a break.

Good life choice--
no school
no work
no St. Louis
no computer
no meetings
FOR FOUR DAYS!

#stoked

And wanna know something else cool?? I'm in the Charlotte airport right now and took a plane that I've never taken before to get here. It was the kind that you have to walk outside to get on--walk up the steps and everything. I don't know why I think it's so nifty but I do so do with it what you will.

See you in a few minutes Kelsey!

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Raisin Cookies

DUDES! These cookies are unlike any other cookie.

These cookies are...

gluten free

dairy free

soy free

[added] sugar free

nut free

and can be egg free if you want

How'd I do it?

magic,

duh.

Ask my parents, I've never been fond of measuring and following recipes. That's probably why it's safer to let me cook than bake, but because of this gluten free, dairy free lifestyle my doctor has mandated for me, if I don't bake for myself no one else will. So I've been experimenting.

It started with the usual culprits:

2 1/2 c. almond flour

1 1/2 c. pumpkin puree

1/4 c. egg whites

1 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp. xanthum gum

1 tbsp. pumpkin spice

as many chocolate chips as you desire

as many raisins as you desire

1. preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. In a large bowl, mix together dry ingredients.

3. Whisk in pumpkin puree egg whites. And mix in raisins and chocolate chips.

4. Plop spoonfuls onto cookie sheet, spread with fingers (no butter means they won't spread themselves).

5. Bake 12-15 minutes.

That was easy.

#WORSTnightmareEVER

yep.

that's a stability boot.

yep.

for real.

NO!

I'M NOT OKAY.

I have a marathon to run in less than three weeks and thought I was being a good girl by going to the doctor, but what do they give me for my efforts to be healthy???? A STABILITY BOOT and a request that I "take it easy" and not run. Clearly, the doctor didn't know me and clearly he's not a marathon runner and clearly he was unable to read my personality in the time we spent together.

I'll wear the thing.

I'll lug it around on my leg.

But I will not stop running.

And I most certainly will not not run my 26.2.

Poor choice?

Probably.

Choice necessary for mental/emotional stability?

That's the only reason I'm making it.

#STRESStotheMAX

An Ode

For the past week, I've been working on writing a poem. Turns out, however, that the poetry gods did not bestow their gifts upon me at birth. Coming to grips with that limitation this week has been extremely difficult, harder than my last long training run on Friday (22 miles that turned into 25 when Kels and I missed a turn). 

Though that sarcasm mainly fuels that last thought, it's not completely false. I simply don't like to not be good at things, hence my stubborn determination. 

I had intended my poem to speak volumes but I struggled to find ways to convey the whit, sincerity, and transparency of its subject matter.

to my cousin:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLY

I'm sorry I couldn't write you a poem

but you still deserve to know what I wanted to share;

When we were younger, I thought you were much older, wiser, and put together. I thought you had all the answers, or at least enough that I could learn what you knew and be totally fine. In time, as we both grew, I began to see your questions, struggles, imperfections. And when those things broke the shiny veneer I had constructed over you, I was not disappointed, instead I appreciated your authenticity as you tried to figure out what your authenticity actually looked like authentically. 

When I was in high school and you were just beginning college, I remember believing you had your life all figured out and you were capable of doing the work to figure mine out as well. Now that I'm a few years past that 'just beginning college' time, holy cow am I sorry for thinking what I thought. At 18, I didn't know who I was or what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be or really who I didn't want to be and I certainly wasn't capable of figuring that out for someone else.

Now we may be 700 miles apart and maybe even further in the not-so-distant future, but I've shared moments with you I haven't with many. Simple moments: crying on the phone because my parents inability to understand me hurts so bad, photoshoots on train tracks, making birthday surprise cupcakes,  feeling connected though few words are shared. 

You're not my best friend but you're certainly my favorite cousin--go ahead, tell Brent. 

TRUE BEAUTY 

shines from the soul and warms the world 

with its kindness, compassion, and integrity

Pumpkin Parfait

I am an a-typical college student, and proud of it. Some may find it odd, but I function quite well at 5am and therefore I have made it known to my boss and so I am at work by 5:45 three days during the school week and on the other two I get up even earlier to bet in a pre-sunrise run. And on the weekend, sleeping past 7am is a rare occurrence.

But just because I am awake before 99% of this university population--student and staff combined--does not mean I wait for them to wake before I have a little moment of joy called breakfast.

Breakfast is sacred.
Take me to a breakfast restaurant and I can easily find something to eat without having to make half a dozen alterations to the meal because of my gluten-free needs.

Yesterday, my nerves were a twitching as I put the first bit in my mouth but...I almost died it was so good.

1/4 cup oats

1/3 cup plain greek yogurt

1/2 cup pumpkin puree (or less if you're not an addict)

dash and a half of pumpkin spice

Directions:

Put it in a bowl and mix and enjoy. :)

Sweet infatuation

I absolutely LOVE 

OCTOBER.

Without a doubt, October holds the position of my favorite month of the year. October has fought long and hard with the others but has come out superior yet again. 

As the year beings to draw to a close, October keeps the spirits light (if it's been a good year) or offers some pure joy and happiness (if the year has been not so great) in ways that are socially unacceptable at other times. 

Brown

...leather jacket

...leather boots

Mustard Yellow

...everything

Puffy vests

Sweaters

...giving use to my cardigan collection

...rocked in conjunction with the puffy vest

Running

...without getting dehydrated by mile 6

...in capris or leggings

...in half zips

Coffee

...warm in my hands

...just because I can

Pumpkin

...bread

...yogurt

...coffee

...muffins

...chocolate chip cookies

...bars

...ice cream

...buttery spread

...soup

...lattees

...seeds

...oatmeal

I LOVE PUMPKIN

My October plan: 

make something pumpkin-y every week. 

I'll let you know how it goes.

Bundle

GOOD MORNING!!!!! It's 6:25am and I'm up and ready to run. This should come as no surprise to those in my daily life but friends from high school and family might have a more difficult time conceptualizing this.

The road is calling me...

for 20 miles.

With 18 under my shoes from last weekend, I'm not scared about the mileage. The body achieves what the mind believes. I'm more concerned about the cold. Some [uninvited] cold front slammed St. Louis in the face on Friday with low 40-degree temps and pouring rain. Kelsey and I were supposed to do our 20 that afternoon but when we realized that the rain was enjoying being released from the clouds and had no desire to stop, we quite literally called for a raincheck. So now it's Sunday morning and I'm meeting Kelsey in 30 minutes and it's still cold. Say goodbye to the tanktops and booty shorts I've trained in up to this point. I'm trading them in for 1/4 zips and leggings. 

Last night, Kelsey and I did THE GLOW RUN with our friends Eric, Claire, and Beth. Again, it was very very cold--hello under armour turtleneck. It was an excuse to wear neon and glitter and a time for others to appreciate my glow-in-the-dark shoes. Check that off the bucket list. 

Today, I've got friends racing while I'm training. Kelly Trom is kicking 26.2 in Chicago and Caroline Usher and Anna Borys are pulling out 13.1 in St. Charles, MO. Oh, and my financial aid rep is running the half in St. Charles too--we're buddies, we talk about these sorts of things. 

RUN strong.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Thank you Gwen Stefani for teaching me that 'banana' does not actually have a double 'n' after the first like I admit I've always thought.  If you don't know what the heck I'm goofily referring to, GO BACK TO THE TURN OF THE CENTURY AND LISTEN TO CHEEZY POP/ROCK.

Anyway...

Since I started distance running last spring (training began in January though so really since then), people have told me I'm crazy. psycho. loony. bananas. Whatever word they used, they've been complimenting me by putting me down. How's that work? I'm not a fan. People, these are mixed signals. You tell me I'm crazy but keep it up--you can't just redefine 'crazy' like that.

Now, there are also some people who tell me I'm crazy and mean it--not in the sense that I need to be put in a mental hospital to be treated for psychosis right away (or ever), but meaning that they don't think it's a well thought out idea. I can appreciate and respect those comments regarding my craziness much faster than the others. Yes, I like being propped up but the idea of saying something demeaning as encouragement does not sit well with me.

Whatever the case, whoever the commenter, thank you for thinking about me and caring enough to say something--good or bad. Your words keep me motivated...and keep me humble. But, honestly, I'm doing this for me. At first, I wanted to do this to make my mom be able to be proud of me for something. She's been a runner (though nothing more than a 10K) for as long as I can remember and so I figured she'd be able to connect with what I was doing and find something respectable and prideful in it. Well, I stopped holding my breath on that one. She encourages me to keep it up but it's not exactly the achievement of relational bonding I had hoped for...and that's okay (no lies, it was disappointing for awhile but that's how it is). I run for me. I run to help control my asthma. I run to clear my head. I run to feel. I run to be in the moment. I run to eat chocolate chip pancakes. I run to be proud of myself for doing something I thought I could never do.

And while we are talking about bananas, I just made 

gluten free, dairy free 

BANANA PANCAKES!

1 banana

1/2 c. egg whites

3 tbsp. almond flour

mash

pour 

flip

cool

eat

YOU CAN EAT THE WHOLE BATCH FOR

less than 200 calories 

(actual calorie count depends on the size of the banana)

approx 18g. protein

1 serving of fruit

100% YUM

Loss

There are some things in life you just simply don't ever think you'll lose. And sometimes when you lose things you don't necessarily get them back. It's a bitter pill, that's for sure, especially for someone as hardcore opposed to unexpected change as me.

Well, I've had two of these losses in the past three months and, let me tell you, it's no easier the second time around. Like my father taught me, I'm sitting here with a bag of dark chocolate m&m's (lies it's the bag but its actually trail mix inside and I'm hugely failing at eating it, so you can tell by my writing when I should be eating).

The first time you go through a loss it's really difficult because its new territory. Do you talk about it or keep it to yourself? How sad are you allowed to be before seeming pathetic? When can you begin to move on? These are all legitimate questions with no specific answer. That's why they call them learning experiences. 

Still, every loss is different so even if you did learn from the time before, the second (or third or fourth or however many) time won't play by the same rules. That's what I'm finding out today. 

I'm learning life is pretty much a guessing game--and this is just another proof of that hypothesis of mine. 

So, anyway, that's the insight I've drawn from losing yet another toenail to marathon training. 

(viewer discretion is advised)

Random interjection: I just threw my apple core across the room and IT LANDED IN THE TRASH CAN like it is supposed to GO ME

When a person runs, their toes hit the top of their shoe with each step. Such repeated trauma often results in blisters on the toes and under the toenails. I popped one under my second left toenail last night and in the process, the toenail just plum fell off. If a toenail has a root, the root came off too so it looks like I may not be getting that toenail back in this lifetime. Loss but not quite as tragic as I may have made it out to seem. 

Until next time, shalom.

The Comeback Kid

I'm pretty sure there's a movie with that title: The Comeback Kid, or maybe I'm thinking of The Karate Kid. Who knows?! I could surely do a quick google search to put an end to this unknowing and remove any possibility that I'm making no sense at all, but, alas, no desire. To err is human, or so they say.

So, I'm making a comeback. In fact I'm making multiple comebacks right now.

Numero uno: come back to the blogoshere. (Why? Well, because it was fun and fruitful while it was going on and why give up something fun and fruitful for the reason of "I just got busy"--that's lame)

dos: come back to HEALTH. define it how you want but this is what I'm talking about...
                 honesty-truthfulness, especially with myself
                 equality-daily recognition of every single person's egual worth regardless of health, accomplishments,  or material/social status.
                 accountability-being responsible for my own actions and feelings. I must acknowledge that I make my life and the universe is not just going to plop happiness and joy in my lap. I must make a life worth living.
                love-compassion and acceptance--for myself and others.
                trust-reliance on god.
                humility-the desire to seek and do god's will.

tres: come back to living my life. sounds simple, sure, but I promise it's not.
            I realized this summer that I spend time with some people who I call friends but really only because they are the friends of another friend. And there has been a lot of stress amongst those friendships. I'm done fighting for their friendship--if it's there, it will continue naturally but if its not there I'm not going to try to make it happen any longer.
           I'm learning confrontation skills and I am making decisions. I went through this phase of apparent ambivalence. I said 'I don't care' when asked where or what I wanted to eat or do but only because I was afraid of voicing my true opinion and offending or not meshing with someone else. I'm tired of living the life I imagine other people want me to live. I get this one life and I don't want to continue wasting it.

Clearly, I'm in a you-go-girl type of mood right now, but I swear, this is happening. It's happening slowly but with the encouragement and challenge of those around me and a hell of a lot of perfectionistic determination, I'm beginning to choose to make my experience in this world into some life I feel is worth living.

TTFN.