Text from last night...

Obsession.

Join the club.

Confession time:

I'm Emily and I've always wanted to be a Disney Princess.

I'm Emily and I've always been trying to be someone other than myself.

I'm Emily and I've always been concerned about what others wanted from me.

          I'm Emily and I'm just Emily.

          I can't be a Disney Princess. 

          I can only be me.

          I can only control pleasing myself.

I love water--lakes but not oceans.

I love walking on sand but hate the feeling of dry sand on my feet (or anywhere else).

I'm really good with words but I find it hard to talk about my problems.

So what if I'm a little quirky...you are too.

You do you and I'll do me. 

Shit happens.

Yeah, I said it. 

and I swore on the interwebbs.

And when shit hits the fan, you've gotta cover your own head and run your little legs to safety. Sometimes you just have to do what's best for you and not be overly concerned about what that means for everyone else. It's not selfishness. It's not arrogance. It's survival and self-care and identity.

Shit has hit the fan.

It's not that we're in a fight 

but this is bigger than a disagreement or just an "issue."

Because it matters.

to me.

I cannot engage my parents in relationship right now. I just can't. It hurts too much and I'm too keenly aware of their ability to hurt me even more. For now, I don't need to. In fact, I think it would be silly and even unhealthy to try--certainly inauthentic. 

I've gotta figure out where I stand and to feel precisely how I feel--and know that it's totally legitimate. Trying to "fix" this--the big "this" isn't going to work right now. I'll do me.

No matter how much I feel compelled to take care of the entire mess, we all know that would be ineffective and unhealthy. Eventually, maybe I will have cleaned up the mess by doing it piece by piece, but first I need to take care of me. I need to be me. I need to simply do me. I need to stop worrying about what other people want me to do and if I'm disappointing them. And so do you.

You do you and I'll do me.

I'm sick and tired of doing things to satisfy people when those things do not simultaneously fulfill me. 

“The one who sets about making others better 

is wasting his time, unless he begins with himself.” 

– Ignatius of Loyola