Have you noticed how the way you plan things is never the way those things actually happen? I look back at my life, even just the past year, and I am FLOORED. Thank goodness I keep a journal, if I didn't I probably wouldn't believe I thought what I did.
Tonight I briefly thought about my summer plans and how dramatically they have changed in the past few months. At Christmas, I was trying to figure out if I was going to go on a summer project or back to camp. I said no to camp and was accepted to SDSP. It seemed great! The support money was rolling in and I was getting used to the idea of spending my summer in San Diego with a hundred strangers. Well, that got ripped away and my heart broke. But then Hayley got me looking at and praying about something else that would be really good for me. I still held on to the anger of losing San Diego but began opening up my heart to this new possibility. When things weren't falling into place after I worked my butt off, that possibility became less and less of a reality, so I decided it would be best to stay in St. Louis and work at my current job and take some classes. I began making plans there but was not excited at all. But then I was thinking about my favorite summers as a kid over the weekend and remembered they all surrounded long days at the pool beginning with summer swim team practice. I emailed just about every summer club in the St. Louis area with my credentials and a flood of enthusiasm. So after months of floundering, I may, possibly, have found what I'm supposed to be doing this summer--working at the rec center for kicks and giggles and coaching a summer swim team.
I am absolutely astounded when I think about this. It's a true testament to how I have no idea what I'm doing.
Literally no idea.
I make wrong choices all the time. It's kind of a problem.
I mean, let's talk about this paper I need to write this weekend. When you get into upper division classes in your major, you get to choose what you want to do for the most part. At this point in my education, I'm finally seeing that my professors want to teach me about what I want to learn about, they want me to study what I am interested in. 90% of the work I do to prove to my professors that I'm learning is paper writing. I've written close to 100 pages in the past 3 weeks. No big deal. I've already come up with three paper topics for this class and was pretty much burned out of creativity when it was time to begin topic brainstorming. Thus, I went to Dr. Rubio and asked for guidance. I told her about some of the readings I found most interesting and in earlier meetings we had discussed what sort of path I think my education is taking me career-wise so she knew my passion, and as an honors student, she has required me to make short presentations about extra reading I've done for the class all semester--so she knows what I'm capable of pulling out of a text without much guidance. Well, she proposed a topic. It was the same general topic she had asked me to do a formal class presentation about in early MArch but I switched topics last minute with my friend Annie. Because she was asking me to look at this topic again, I felt like I couldn't say no. But as soon as I thought about it, I began to regret it. Not only is it over my head, it's also extremely personal (not that Dr. Rubio knows). I doubt I can write this paper completely objectively, some part of that personal aspect is bound to burst into the paper. There was a part of me that thought it could be therapeutic but as I continue my reading, I find out how terribly wrong I was. So I'm avoiding writing it.
Poor choice.
I have no helpful thoughts here. I'm just frustrated that I'm always wrong.
No comments:
Post a Comment