Belly of the Whale

Welcome, my friends, to my brain when I'm not really thinking.

That's been the story of the day today--no overthinking, just lots of doing and talking. Doing and Talking without thinking can be messy but it's also vulnerable and real and unedited.

Inside of me there and thoughts. And a lot of fears.
     thoughts about my fears and even some fears about my thoughts.
...to fear your thoughts sounds a little strange, in my opinion, but as I sat in silence last night, I understood that that's a lot of where I'm at right now...I fear my thoughts and I fear my emotions. When I let myself think and feel freely, without reservation, the reality expressed is not controlled. In our society "to lose control" has awful connotations--carelessness, mania, powerlessness, etc. Though these may characterize some situations in which a person has lost control, they do not encompass the whole.

Still, the fear instilled by the negativity is what remains in the forefront of my mind and so I keep control.

I am afraid of what a loss of control would actually look like.
I am afraid no one would know what to do in that situation. And so I'm afraid I'd end up alone in my uncontrolled mess. Somehow that seems worse than choosing to be alone in the contained, neat and tidy version of the mess.

That choice is subconscious.

If someone were to literally ask me, I would choose companionship in my mess--because I know I have people in my life who would not be scared of my mess, maybe a little hesitant at first, but not in such a way that keeps them from helping me through it however they can.

Dumb.

Dumb.

Dumb.

I may have an IQ about 50 points higher than that of the average human being 

but my brain is still dumb.

Example.

It has been almost a year and there's this one person I still struggle to trust. She hasn't really given me any reason not to trust her and, from wha tI can see, she's done everything she knows how to get me to feel confortable to trust her. Still, my brain is being stupid and is afraid of judgement and rejection and of not being good enough or of being too much.

That's what's inside of me.