The engagement of paying attention, of making eye contact, of listening and actually hearing...opposed to the disengagement of feeling bothered, cut off, disinterested, and apathetic. This has been the topic of my week...or maybe better said as my choice of the week.
I've been babysitting two boys (ages 10 and 7) which really means I've been conducting 8 hours of play-therapy for a significantly reduced rate. I have no significant memories of babysitters that were harmful to my sense of self or esteem. However, no memories of the contrasting effort exist either. This gives me pause...childhood is short and the time in which the child is highly impressionable and malleable is even shorter, yet those who interact with children often lose this knowledge before saying 'hello.' From my experience as a small human as well as my later experiences as a coach, babysitter, and social worker, I've born witness to child/adult interactions mostly disengaged. I'm not pointing fingers. I'm not saying anyone is a bad parent or babysitter or nanny or coach or teacher or whathaveyou. I'm saying that we just aren't paying as much attention as we should.
When tiny humans come into the world, their gaze is met with a smile or at least two eyes of the makers of that tihuman and/or people around them. From the day of conception, the attachment process begins. It can be built or it can be destroyed. Though it is not a linear process, we certainly hope there is more building occurring than destruction.When tiny humans come into the world, their gaze is met with a smile or at least two eyes of the makers of that tiny human and/or people around them. When tiny humans cry, they are held and attempts are made to comfort. And pretty much whenever the tiny human does anything, the tiny human makers get genuinely excited.
And then the attention and excitement wane to occasional annoyance and a struggle for control. There's a lot of hearing larger humans tell the smaller humans what to do, where to go, how to act, etc. While this is certainly necessary to some point, there's a line that many people straddle between guiding and ordering, myself included.
On Monday, I decided my ten 8-hour days would be profitable for these boys. To have fun is a no-brainer, but "Emily camp"as they are calling it, has a richer goal: to infuse each activity with meaning and to intentionally create hundreds of teachable moments and opportunities for growth.
How?
- I'm asking open ended questions and listening carefully so I can mention parts of their answer in later conversation (it really helps that I'm an auditory learner).
- The boys are given choices galore and when they say "I don't care," we develop a pro/con list quickly in our heads to initiate choosing and problem solving.
- The games we play have a connection to gross motor development, memory, or creativity.
- The praise "good job" has been exiled from my lexicon for the time being. Rather, I articulate praise, recognition, and accomplishment in tricky ways that let the boys know I actually saw and was paying attention to what they were saying/doing.
- We've had a conversation about what is included in a full apology and that sometimes it's better to say "I'm not ready to apologize yet" instead of saying it without meaning it.
- We have activities about feelings and how to respond to them effectively.
There's probably more but that's the gist of it. I could let them play video games and watch tv all morning while I read then eat lunch while standing or walking around to turn on music or play with the dog then go to the basketball court and let them play while I sit on the opposite side of the hoop and swipe through facebook or pinterest on my phone. I'll admit that I've done that before and sure, I get paid the same amount as I do as when I'm truly engaged, but the boys connection to me is so much stronger because I pay attention to them and am teaching them things and building up their specific strengths and I've already noticed a bit of a change in behavior.
Now, here's my struggle: I can do this for 8 hours a day then go home to my apartment where I don't have to give anyone direction or pay keen attention or remain entirely positive and at an even keel, but I'm not about to sign up for the 24-hour shift. So, how are parents supposed to do it? I don't know. They get to go to their jobs all day and do whatever they do and then after hours at work, I'm asking them to come home and be fully attuned to their small humans...that's a china plate resting on a goose's head. I don't have an answer. Perhaps, that's why I'm staying on birth control until I figure it out.
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