Clueless

The more I think about the future, well, my future specifically, the more anxiety crowds around me like Italian men on a bus in the middle of Rome. (yeah, it stinks too)


I've just recently come to the acknowledge the fact that I really have no idea what I'm going to do with my life after college. If this is still the case two years from now, I will for sure be headed to grad school to further delay the need for a decision to be made. I've always been a student. I've always dreamed about what I was going to spend my life doing. For as long as I can remember, this was something I could think about with leisure. Well, time's a ticking.

What I do know is this...

I will get there...

eventually. 

In my case, there is no straight and narrow. 

There is no direct route. 

I take two steps forward, seventeen to the side, and then get plopped back on my butt. I'm moving, but I'm moving like a four year-old trying to kick to the other side of the pool--slowly, very slowly.

I want to do what I love. 

I do not want my job to be work. 

Granted, some days it will seem that way, it is inevitable that I will not pop out of bed giddy with two thumbs up day after day. But I intend to enjoy myself during the day. I refuse to fall into the large percentage of folks who come home to gripe about their day of work. Instead, I look forward to coming home to gush about the joys I experienced throughout the day. You may say this is idealistic but you'd be incorrect. This is simply the way it should be. I am spending time in school to learn what I love so that I can then do what I love. I currently love what I'm learning so that's a good start, I suppose. In a small way, I think I may be on the right track, simply because learning what I love doesn't feel like work.

I'm studying theology and social work...Jesus and helping people.

For eight years, I was hard set on being a teacher. Then I was convinced I was going to pursue a career as a hardcore Catholic counselor. And when I understood that I don't want to wait for people to be hurt for me to help, I began looking into youth ministry. But now I'm seeing how I need to refuse to settle. I need to follow these loves I have and let my passions guide me to the next step.

But there's another problem. Two of the best words to describe my personality are controlling and impatient. I'm working on adding fearless.

If you've detected a similarity in the last few posts, it's not my fault, I swear. Clearly, my lack of clarity is at the forefront of my mind. It probably doesn't help that it's graduation season and I'm living at school for the summer and I'm more than half-way done with my undergraduate experience and I'm the child of two people who entered college knowing exactly what they wanted to do (and did it and are still doing it.


Just sayin'.